One thing that has continued to follow me in this journey, is as things became more intense, more unique, and closer to the truth in this awakening process, my ego wanted to find someone, anyone who understands what the self is going through. The journey towards enlightenment or a journey back to enlightenment one could say, started like any other spiritual awakening process. Years ago, being more sensitive towards others, caring a little more about the environment and eating healthy, and starting to grasp the concept of “we create our own reality.” Now I want to point out, that 10 years ago, the spiritual awakening process was still within the strong limits of the personal “ego” self, it almost becomes more tricky, because now you think you’ve “arrived”, when you go through an awakening. Many get stuck, in the ‘spiritual teacher’ phase of the awakening process, I did too for a while. A person in this phase becomes unteachable, and they do not further progress because of their belief that they’ve arrived at their destination. With the personal self still in the front of the driver’s seat, it is still very much a dualistic journey at that point, and it stays that way for quite a while. It stayed that way for me for a while.
But as my journey intensified, the people that I would have been called ‘more awake’ I started to not connect as smoothly with. So I started searching everywhere and I mean everywhere. Spiritual Meetups, Course in Miracles groups etc. I often would meet people in the spiritual world for much longer than I had been, people in their 50’s and 60’s. They appeared to have quite a bit of contextual knowledge, but when it came to experiences, well they just weren’t having the same intense, ego death, a two by four slammed me in the back of my head, experiences. Now keep in mind, I’m getting at all good experiences here, but INTENSE.
Now understand that at that time, my need to connect came from the personal self, but who could blame me? I had been me, as Jazz for 33 years, and thousands of years before that I had been a separated aspect of God living in a body, the forgotten God living as a human for who knows how many lifetimes. And in a matter of an intense 8 months, all of that humanistic identification was shedding off of me. Now I had experiences such as seeing distinct past lives of mine that were still relevant to the life that I was living now, (I will explain that at some point down the road.) I was able to see aspects of the future in the “now”. Things that I couldn’t possible know was coming, I knew that I was now pivoted in the direction of a particular outcome in my life as well as others. My five senses became more pronounced, my physiological sensations changed as my body would increases its energy capacity. I would shake some nights from the intense surges of energy radiating up and down my spine. I couldn’t help but walk around with a heart so full of love and empty of all fear.
But no matter where I turned, I couldn’t find anyone to lean on, even just a little. So then I became focused on ‘finding a teacher’, someone, anyone who had been on this journey for longer than I had, that could hold space for me with what I was experiencing. Every time I thought I’d met someone, I quickly realized that I was the one mainly teaching them. And not to say that I didn’t learn anything from them, it is just the dynamics of the relationship were not what I was hoping for. All I felt was peace all the time, and yet my friends/family still ping-ponged with good days and bad days of course. Their conversations often still circled around “and can you believe what she said? I mean what would you do if you were in my situation?” All of my answers would circle around compassion, forgiveness and the craziest part was I sincerely MEANT it. This often would cause confusion/disconnection especially to those that knew me before. Another thing I tried out, was telling a few family members that I knew had a deeper sense of Spirit in their journey. But because they were so heavily identified with me being the younger family member or grandchild, etc, their ability to receive information from me in order to create a space of resonance was mainly blocked. Not for all, but some.
In addition to that, I would share something really profound to me, this was all new to me so I was like a kid in the candy store especially in the beginning. and maybe even quite exciting to me that had happened and their reaction would be completely flat and unenthused. There was this sense of “you aren’t telling me anything I haven’t already been through” kind of vibe, yet you could tell by there lackluster expression, that they hadn’t been through it. The moment that I would sense that vibe coming from the person, I’d quickly realize that there would never be any words to pull them in to believe me. I admit I became a bit disheartened each time that that would occur. I found myself for a while, picking up the phone less, and speaking less to people I knew. I felt so alone for a few months. I felt so happy, yet alone and even guilty at times for my pure, newly innocent way of feeling and viewing the world. Some thought maybe I was suppressing how I really felt, and I couldn’t help but feel tempted to reassure them that, no, I just only felt peace now. Of course this is not relatable and reassurance can become a draining process.
What happened next...
Was I realized that this is the new me. and although the layers continue to peel off, and I go through some sort of a rebirth every few weeks, I could no longer silently pretend to still view the world as the other Jazz. I realized that in my explanations, less is more. So now I use less words, and more emissions of silent joy, smiles, and understanding. With family and friends, I pick up the phone less, I see them less, but the nonphysical care is more pure, and the level of peace I feel towards them is heightened and stable. I am always very sensitive now to make sure compassion is sensed from every space through and me even in silence.
I had to realize that being there for others God Realization journey is my life purpose. Aiding people in their own personal trek to ending their own suffering is my life purpose. Keeping close friendships and relationships with family is now an identification that is less important to me. I can stay connected but no longer have the same identity within those relationships that I used to. I let go of my personal guilt and I feel free now. I no longer need anyone to understand what is happening to me, because this is my journey, and they simply cannot understand a journey that I was meant to experience, in this body…. alone. I couldn’t find a leader or a teacher, because I was supposed to come to the realization, that I am leading myself, I am my own teacher. I go into more detail about healing that here https://arebelsjourneytoenlightenment.com/2019/09/26/jesus-wants-you-to-leave-him-behind/
If You are Like Me
If you are feeling lonely in your awakening process, it is safe to say that this is normal. You will connect with people, heal and then ascend to a new level of consciousness and then find a new way to relate to those relationships, or not. The choice will be yours. This is an emerging process within the enlightenment journey until you stop identifying closeness with old identities that you used to be a part of. Luckily, you can remain close without being physically close. This takes time, to detach from the old self and make peace with the God that you are. You are God in a body relating to your God self in others. This becomes primary over being a daughter, a mother, and friend. You may participate in parental duties and always from a space of love, but you realize that you are someone much more beyond any temporary identification that has been placed on you. It is normal to have guilt during this process of undoing. When you reach this level, this is what you have to count on. The few stories like this that can help you to not feel alone. I am here for you, and it does get easier and brighter. Awakening is usually a gentle process, and it is for reasons like this. It takes many many levels of adjustments throughout the ascension process and it doesn’t usually happen in a few months. All is well. You are exactly where you should be in your journey.