I will do this portion of my story in parts, mainly because the Twin Flame journey is still ongoing, it always will be to some extent. But my Spiritual Awakening Journey went from 50 mph to a 10,000 MPH journey once I met B. I will call him B. Later on I reveal who is consciousness is from a past incarnation. I will then call him by that name after that blog entry.
I landed in 2016 into two new places in my life. I went to a massage one day, and this man let’s call him Andy, was my masseuse, he happened to be Buddhist and he was telling me all about his Buddhist practice, and chanting Nam-yoho-renge-kyo. As I lay there, half awake, I admited to myself that I liked the massage, but at best I was half listening. He gave me a card and told me to go to a Buddhist meeting sometime. I kept the “Nam-Yo-Ho-Renge-Kyo” card in the back of my mind, but that was the best I could do.
It began began around June 2017. For years, I had zero interest in romantically settling down with a partner, or anything remotely close. I had a lot of big whopper Karma involving men still lurking around, and all of those ghost stories were still hanging out with me in 2017. But I started to have these warm feelings, these feelings of wanting to be in love. There was no one in my life that I had my eye on, and I was surrounded by men. I couldn’t explain the sensation. I started buying red candles and was doing some visualization about what would being in love with another feel like. I remember thinking.
Okay, Jazz buy your candles you nerd, but this is a bit much don’t you think?
I even went to a psychic to see if she would pick up on anything.
As I sit there one gloomy day in July drinking rum and coke during the day, alone wondering where my life was headed, I started to think about the card this Buddhist man had given me. It was a year and half later from that first massage, and I had a sudden urge to go to a Buddhist meeting. It took two weeks for me to gather the courage, and I entered nervously into someones house that I’d never met for a “district” meeting, a place where everyone takes their shoes off and sits down in a circle and chants and smiles in someone’s house.
Everyone was very nice, and I felt instantly welcome. A few minutes after the meeting started, there was a man that walked in by himself. He was my height, strong and masculine build but thick, not crazy chiseled. He was handsome, but in a rough around the edges kind of way. He looked nothing like any man I’d ever had my eye on in the past. But yet like a magnet, I felt drawn to want to know him and I was definitely attracted, but there was something else deeper than that that was drawing me in.
He spoke up maybe a time or two at the first few meetings I saw him at, but we never spoke directly to each other. Personality wise, he came off a bit smug, arrogant to me although overall, he carved out a very polite presentation in a group setting. I felt this energy of him pretty much having a “back off” label assigned to his head, and of course, our behaviors were mirroring each other, he could’ve thought I gave off that “back off” energy as well and I’ve been told by many men that I do. I kept hearing the word “girlfriend” in my head, so I took that as a sign to leave him be and not strike up a conversation to get to know him. So here I was slightly rubbed the wrong way on the surface, he was so opposite from anyone I’d looked twice at, and yet, I felt drawn to want to know him, I actually felt like I did already know him. the meetings rolled by, and he continued to feel familiar to me, but like I said, I decided it was best to leave him alone.
I still remember like it was yesterday, the day he approached me at a meeting. The day he came up to me and complimented me on what I was wearing. It could’ve been a dress, actually it was a dress because he mentioned that he had an online store that sold similar clothing. I remember feeling instantly softened. Like I had regressed back to not being so hard, not being so tough, but of course I kept it together, smiled, and tried not to blush as I told him where I got the dress from.
That was the very beginning and it all began at a Buddhist meeting, that it took me a whole year and a half to decide to go to. This is the less detailed story, but it wasn’t long before we were best friends, and I found myself deeply in love with him. Underneath his hard edge, there was a heart that was so pure, even innocent, I began to notice that he just had allowed so much other “stuff” to cover it up. There was a look of him feeling and being totally relaxed, with me, like he could drop so much of the over bearing tough guy stuff and just be himself.
As the months went on, spending time together felt like freedom for both of us. We’d share things with each other with no fear of being judged. We both deeply believed in each other’s abilities, and we’d bounce off of each other, sharing innovative ideas that involved our careers and relationships. There was no co-dependency, and also no competitiveness, we were a team. We just genuinely saw the best in each other. Eventually, we had sex, and it was….well my body just got goosebumps from writing this just now, so you get the picture. It wasn’t like sex that I’d had in the past, and I had had plenty.
For me falling in love though, wasn’t in the plan in my life, although I had recently developed warm feelings of wanting to be in love before meeting him like I mentioned, I didn’t really expect to get what I’d ask for so soon. And although he would show some openness, more often than not, he was completely guarded, totally dialed in to just focus on work, and he was in a part time relationship with another woman that he did his best to hide in the beginning of us spending time together.
There were so many obvious road blocks, and yet I couldn’t get past, feeling like I was deeply bonded to another part of me, through him. I felt like I was looking at myself, and yet how could I be when on the surface he appeared to be so different from me? Needless to say, I was very confused. I would go from warm overwhelming feelings of love for him, to being deeply triggered by his lack of affection, or deceitful behaviors, or defensiveness when I would discuss something he didn’t quite understand, he would lash back and shut me down. I would always bounce back into loving him so quickly, a lot of the times, spending time with him much of the time, was like watching someone be at war with themselves.
I always took my Buddhist practice very seriously, and I started chanting even more hardcore in Oct 2018. I had no idea why I fell so hard for this man a year before, this man that I felt more comfortable around then any other human being. And yet he had so many opposing characteristics of someone that would be ideal to fall in love with. I wanted fucking answers and I wanted them ASAP.
I sat wide awake on the edge of my bed at 2:30 in the morning with my second cup of coffee, fluffy purple socks and I fiercly rubbed my palms together staring at the Gohonzon infront of me.
I began to chant.
I chanted for 3 hours and I chanted for two things. These two things were what marked the beginning of my rebellious journey towards enlightenment.
Please show me the truth of my own life and life in general, the truth that I know goes well beyond my five senses.
Please tell me my life purpose, why am I here, what is my mission?
And it took a few months, but I got answers. I will leave this post as is, because this is a story that I would like to do in sections. The Twin Flame journey has had many many moving parts, and played a significant role in my healing process. The Twin Flame Journey was what took my process from awakening, to a journey back towards enlightenment. And for quite a while I had no idea what I was getting myself into. That is how this all began.
Update: To anyone who may read these out of order. In the beginning of this journey, I met Judas (Ben) in 2017. I was not told that Jesus/Yeshua was incarnated as well. Judas for me at the time that I wrote this, acted as a catalyst to the awakening of the Feminine Christ within me. Judas, Mary and Jesus are all of the same consciousness expressed three ways. It turns out that much of the prophetic visions that I saw, involving Judas were indeed actually visions involving Yeshua but I hadn’t met Yeshua just yet. Because of the love of God that I found first through Judas, and everything I went through, I walked right into the arms of my Yeshua in January 2020.