I feel like a started this blog off with quite a few tougher topics involving the enlightenment journey. Honestly, I did that for a reason. As I went through, and continue to go through some of the previous experiences I’ve mentioned, there is little to no material online about the tougher parts of the enlightenment process. Now there is information about the process of spiritual awakening, but they are two very different journeys and are not the same.
On to the positive, the most earth shattering realization to enlightenment: INNER PEACE. Now, as I continued on the journey of ‘healing my shit’, over a course of a few months (not a few years), I became increasingly “lighter”. I used to be a rigid planner, obsessed with being on time, and keeping commitments if it was the last thing I did on earth. One could say that is a fine way to be, but there were two problems. I felt stressed being so strict with myself, and I held other people to the same standard that I held myself to. So the moment someone didn’t help me with X, Y, Z like they said they would, or didn’t show up to such and such event and dropped a commitment, I was ready to keep a tally and use their perceived neglect as a weapon, or drop the relationship entirely. I’d like to do a separate blog post all about “shifting your perception from fear to love by removing the blocks to loves presence” as it is called in A Course in Miracles. This is all about removing the fearful programming that the ego attaches to certain people, places and things. Before we enter into an experience, we enter in with an invisible backpack of past fear and judgements. But for now, I will just talk about the result after healing the programming, the whole “inner peace” thing.
I should mention the above is just one aspect of many things I healed over the course of several months. As my Karmic load lightened, I became freer in situations that used to trigger me. Small things like my kids screaming at the top of their lungs while I drive, or while they get a bath, or honestly while doing most activities, to larger things like my purse being stolen out of my car and having to cancel my credit cards. Even the story of an event being “big or small” kind of evaporated. As my God Self was more in the front seat of my life, the value judgements on a particular life experience being “good or bad” vanished. And I mean in a general sense, big ticket topics like, cancer, divorce, and even suicide. I found myself not numb, but viewing the world engulfed in “Naked Awareness”, I’d like to call it. Now the process of healing is not instant. As I accepted the journey of ‘healing my shit’, the process unfolded over a course of the last year. Somewhere in there, I noticed that as I entered into situations that I used to have judgements, and grievances about, as my mind healed, my body physiologically stopped responding and dissociated the event as a reason to be “triggered”. You know someone cuts you off in traffic, you grit your teeth, your face gets red and your heart races, till finally you let out a bold “FUCK YOU, MOTHER FUCKER.” Or maybe it is just me, but you and another person closely enter a busy line, and you hurriedly inch forward, pretending not see them as you aimlessly propel yourself infront of them at the checkout line pretending you were first all along? Yep, that part of me was no longer in the front seat. I found myself having mental thoughts about the other person who was in a hurry like, “gosh who knows where he’s off to, he might have a bathroom emergency he needs to take care of.” The point was, in these situations and all, it no longer became my job to know the “why” behind anything. “I do not know what anything is for.” As A Course in Miracles states in workbook lesson. As more serious things occurred, like watching a few friends and family members transition to the other side, I went through a normal process of feeling sad, but it was very short lived. I was no longer searching for a “why” or a “fairness” explanation. I was no longer putting my personal projections on what I thought “should” have happened. That this person SHOULD be alive and how unfair it is to them, to me, to my family and theirs. I also didn’t feel the deep deep identification loss because I still felt the person, even more so than I had when they were in their bodies. Let me explain. Years ago when my dad died I felt this deep drop of identity. He was my dad, I was his only child. When he died, a few first thoughts I had were: Who would be my children’s grandfather now and watch them throw a football around? Who would sing classic rock and Jazz tunes with me? Who would walk me down the aisle one day on my wedding day? Who would be there to cheer me up on the end of the telephone line with a corny joke when I felt a little down? I didn’t realize it then, but most of my sadness, had to do with the ego’s loss of identity. It wasn’t about his choice to transition, or what was better for him, it was about my projection of what I thought was right for him based on what I had “lost,” and the negative connotation that I had to “death”. Now getting to this realization, let me tell you, it did not happen overnight. The ego’s favorite fear to cling to is the death thought system. That death is real, death is sad and not a good thing, and death means separation. A person cannot hear the truth if there is that heavy death identification in the way, and of course for most people who lose someone in form, the heavy identification of loss is naturally in the way. My point in all this, is that even in the largest humanistic state of loss, it was still accompanied with this undercurrent of peace that never left me. In the most seemingly tragic situations, I had proof that it was here to stay, and the way I had come to know myself for 33 years was indeed now very very different.
I am sharing all of this, to share my story with you. If you don’t feel inner peace all the time yet, or don’t even desire to, that is okay! This is about deeply describing the in’s and out’s of the Enlightenment process as it occurred for me, so that if you desire to go on this journey or are on it now, you have a platform in which to look upon and refer back to. It is just someone shining a light to transparently show you what happened to them.
I will end this with, there is always only peace. This peace is within is the space that I now live in all the time. I no longer project my past programming or story onto any situation I encounter. I look at it as something to give me the opportunity to learn about another aspect of myself. For instance, I get to know “Who am I being in relationship, to this experience, and this experience is neither good nor bad.” Naked awareness, the platform in which inner peace is expressed is a game changer. This does not mean you stop having preferences all together. Now you can take that approach, but I still discern and have preferences about which experiences I’d like over another, but there is an indifference to outcome.
I should also mention that out there in the world, my personal position of naked awareness is never projected on those around me. I speak about my new found awareness on things very infrequently, unless I am asked, what is it that I am “doing” differently. And the only real difference is I allow things to be as they are within the experience, without the value judgements, the old grievances and stories from the past that were never put to bed. If you allow the unhealed portions of the past to do the perceiving for you, it will LOVE to be a part of your present moment, the past would love to keep its invisible backpack of 30 pound bricks on your back to help to skew your perception and bring judgement into your experience. That is the place in which most live from on earth. And because I know that, I hold so much understanding in my being for what it is to live in life from a place of living in the past. The anger from the past, the fear, the judgments, its such a heavy way to live. I see only the truth, even in those that cannot see or feel their own peace. I allow my being to overflow with this inner state, so that without words, it can be felt from any/all who are willing to accept this truth within themselves. And the choice is always theres to receive or to wait to receive, but my position of seeing only peace remains as a constant.
There is only one of us here, there is only love here and when you experience this for yourself, everything changes.