One of my largest struggles throughout my teens and some of my 20’s was the resentments I carried that were deeply rooted towards my mom. She in my eyes at the time, was not the type of mom I’d imagine for myself. Of course there was love there, but with the love was a deep inability for her to understand me. My values, my interests, my way of stringing information together. And to this day, much of that remains to be the case.
I’m not saying my mother was a terrible and unloving mom, and that I wasn’t cared for. I’m not saying that at all. But my mom was in survival mode most of my childhood. She was not particularly present emotionally as my parent, because she had a very busy, bombarded mind at the time. And that rooted from much of her childhood.
My Momma and Me
Growing up, my mom like many moms, was a single mom till I was about nine years old. She worked multiple jobs, and rarely took a break from the enslavement of working to make the bread. It wasn’t that she didn’t care, it just was usually very difficult for her to express interest in any details involving my life, and of course I went through the typical moody pre-teen phase on my own, in my teens, rebelling was on my agenda.
As I grew up to be a parent and adult in my own right, if Momma didn’t understand something in my life, her ability to receive information, would completely shut down. If her mind was made up about something, there was no convincing her of anything. She was the judge, jury and executioner.
The Characteristics I resented The Most
The largest thing I resented about my mom was her attempts to project her judgements and shame on me as a kid, and as an adult. She carried a deep pain from caring about what others thought of her. Every house we lived in, every job she had, she was obsessed with “what will they think of me. What will they think of you, which will make them think terribly of me?” She would defend this position by saying things like “Don’t tell such and such about XYZ in your life because its none of her business.” I’d think in my head, Ummm last time I checked, that was my life mom, not yours? Okay I admit, sometimes I’d say it out loud and revolt. To say that I remained a frustrated young adult towards her most of the time, is an understatement and it later in my life called for much inner forgiveness of the self for feeling all of those things.
It was July 2003 and I was 17 and pregnant. I’ll never forget this moment like it was yesterday, I was sitting on the porch.
“Get inside, so the neighbors don’t start gossiping. I don’t need any problems.”
I glare at her with such anger.
It’s a little late mom, they know I’m pregnant!
When she found out about me being pregnant, she balled in despair, and part of that reason being that she didn’t want to be a grandmom that early. Every life event, even this one, was always turned into how it affected her. She couldn’t see past her own skewed interpretation or her own feelings. She felt that her feelings and perceptions were truth.
These traits or forgiveness opportunities with my relationship with my mom, caused me to have deep judgements towards my mother for many years. Of course, those judgements, had to be faced head on within the last year. I wasn’t gonna be able to get away from healing the momma karma. Oh hell no, I wasn’t that lucky.
Faced with the Past and Faced With Forgiveness
On another bathroom floor healing evening within this last year, I was finally able to let all of those judgements evaporate into the past in one night. It occurred to me without hazy perception, how deeply thankful I am for my mother being my mother. Her identification with shame, trying to stay in the lines of society so that she isn’t judged, allowed me to birth my own mission as a human being and as a parent.
I could have deep compassion for my moms struggles, these struggles that she still holds near and dear to her heart today. She really believes in these limitations that she has placed on herself, and to live from this place of powerlessness. That’s hard. Well that night, my heart became more full than ever for her journey. I found deep respect for her path of learning. Whatever it was that her soul was seeking to learn from these experiences, she would in her own time. She for me, had played a divine role, and I will remain in a deep state of appreciation because of this, even if there is distance right now between us. It allowed me to extend that compassion to others feeling those same levels of paralytic fears like she does. My mom doesn’t stand alone in her views, we are living in a world primarily embodying this same fear.
When it comes to me, my mission as a parent is the same mission that I have towards the rest of the world. Walking the path of liberation is the only example of importance to me that I could ever be or leave for my children. To be free of caring what others misperceive of you and to love them for it, to open your arms wide to your inner calling, the voice that tells you to color outside of the lines and jump into the mystical wild river of the unknown. To allow this liberated leadership to break down the barriers of the rules and regulations that we are all accustomed to. To jump first. To love first. To be that example for my children, and to hold their hand, to walk their own path, and to find no need to explain their truth to anyone. And lastly, to forgive it all.
To this point today as I write this, my mother has made , this experience I am going through about her and what people will think of her. And I forgive her for it, and yet….
I will not get off the porch this time because there is nothing to be ashamed of.
There never was or is anything to be ashamed of.
It Always Comes Back to Forgiveness
As hard as it is to come to terms with this, we can open the door to seeing how beautifully our parents being our parents played out for us regardless of what those circumstances were. When you take full responsibility for the forgiveness lessons that we volunteered to embark on before we got here in this chapter, in these bodies, it changes everything. Is it easy? Well again, healing your stuff and taking full responsibility regardless of the circumstances is very far from easy. If it were, we would see a very different world right now. I’m also not saying that my mom/daughter dynamic is the most challenging out there. But that is not the point. Having an opportunity to look at my childhood from a different perspective, one of deep appreciation, allowed me to expand into my mission as an embodiment of God.
Does that mean that I stay physically close to her in my journey right now? No. Being physically close would do more harm than good, for right now for she does not understand, although she wishes she could I’m sure.
My mom may never get me, and I’m okay with that. I am never owed an apology. Not now or ever, for I deeply embrace all of my childhood’s meaning. I get her journey, I get her purpose in my life as the role of my mother and I love her for all it.
I got the mom that I needed in order for me to become the me that I was meant to be and all thats left to say is Thank you.