Touchy subjects, and it’s because I can’t help myself.
For many years, I was just like many women in committed relationships. In my late teens (yes we are going that far back,) I believed that the only relationship for me would be a monogamous one. Dammit. I never really thought of the reason why I wanted this, but that would be the only relationship I’d want if I had one at all. Grrrrrrrrr.
Let’s just say that I was in for a rude awakening less than a year into a serious relationship with my sons father back in 2001-2002. The first time I found out about another woman, I was pretty devastated. I felt all of my conditioned beliefs as to how a relationship would go with another man, just start to crumble. After that, I secretly became a detective. Checking his pockets for numbers, watching him closely with his phone, all of those out of bounds types of behaviors that people get to when they feel threatened. Somehow I thought that inserting myself more into his whereabouts would keep him from cheating. What it did, was helped me on a comfortable journey into misery, and he got more tactful with his cheating skills.
Of course I would find numbers. I would call them, and many a times the gals would be very helpful, sometimes a little too descriptive as to where, when and how they met. Probably over a course of a six year period, I found out about 9-10 different women. Not too bad, although I’m sure there were many more that I didn’t know of. So I remained a detective and I remained pretty miserable for the majority of that relationship. I felt betrayed. After all we were both entering into what I thought was a committed, monogamous relationship. It was my choice to stay as long as I did.
It wasn’t until I started to get into spirituality on a deeper level, the kind where you become fully responsible for the way you feel at all times that it clicked for me. I was about 24 years old when my perception shifted. What was I doing? I thought. Why was I equating someone’s ability to stay sexually monogamous with how much they loved me? Now I wasn’t referring so much to that past relationship, because there were many other issues in that one other than the cheating, but I was speaking more in a general sense. When did love become conditional for me? Well it always had been. I had been deeply conditioned to think that monogamy and love were hand in hand, one in the same.
That monogamy was a byproduct of love right?
Of course it isn’t.
I realized that the most important thing to me my entire life, had always been my own freedom. Freedom with absolutely no bounds. I couldn’t give a rational explanation as to why I thought that freedom should stop with a relationship. As I read and read, book after book that confirmed this truth, love has no bounds, or restrictions, I couldn’t deny how that deeply resonated with me to my core. Yet it went against, yet again everything that I had been taught prior to this new found awareness.
I’d look at some of my friends and see such deep suffering within their relationship. To them, yay they’d won, they were married or they were in a committed relationship. But I could see how focused they were with controlling many of their partners moves they were even if they did it in a passive aggressive ‘let me give you guilt’ kind of way . I could feel how much they resented their partner, and how the silent treatment became their favorite form of arsenal when there was any disagreement in their relationship. They didn’t feel on sturdy footing within the partnership. Of course an open relationship was never something that I could bring up with them. If I did, I’d get the facial flares of jealousy, the how dare you even say that glare.
As I sat stumped in my mid twenties, I then thought to myself, is this the price that we pay for monogamy forced on us by societal conditioning?
Is this what it looks like?
Bitterness, resentment, and jealousy?
I imagined cutting out the monogamy requirement for so many couples, and how I saw their relationship transforming to a completely relaxed, unconditionally loving one.
Somewhere in my 20’s I decided that the only relationship for me, would be one where forced monogamy was not a part of it. It didn’t necessarily mean that we’d sleep with other people, but it did mean that the option to do so would always be there. Honestly, I got my kicks in in my 20’s, and I’ve been around the block backwards and forwards, so I’m not engulfed in excitement anymore about having multiple partners. But damn straight, I’m keeping my freedom to choose as my own and I would absolutely want the same for the man that I’m with.
I knew how radical this was and although many men or even women fantasize about this, many would never take the plunge to actually participate in such a type of relationship. Some will even say “oh no way, I never think about being with another person.”
Well I’m not here to disagree with you but I’m here to give you the truth straight. This is God in a body business we are talking about here. The transition into only truth is not easy stuff, but it is the most natural thing that a human being could ever do.
Monogamy isn’t the Issue, But the Breach of Trust is.
There are no right and wrongs. It’s totally possible that two people may come together and decide that no matter what, they will not sleep with other people. Well if the person breaks that vow, understand that it was never the sleeping with the other person that is the issue, it is the breach of trust that is. So the real question is, can you forgive the breach of trust? Or is it really the sex with another person, that eats you alive? That keeps you up at night? Imaging him/her over and over with someone else? Allowing your own mind to torture itself.
Well what were they wearing and how pretty is she? Where did they meet? Did he say “I love you” to her? Does he want to leave me for her?
God always forgives. It doesn’t mean you stay or leave, it isn’t about the action you decide on, but God always forgives.
Be honest with yourself.
It’s funny, regardless of what the topic, it always comes back to the same answer. All the God ingredients. Forgiveness, Love, Transparency, and my favorite, freedom. Which are all synonyms for life itself.
Some know deep down that a monogamous relationship does not coincide with their internal makeup, and yet there they are, ten years into a marriage where they step out of the marriage, and they’ve figured out how to do it without getting caught. We might think we are capable of monogamy only to realize that it isn’t what we want.
It is okay to change your mind.
The problem is, you know that you are being dishonest with you. You know that you are breeching trust, and although you may have tactfully figured out a way to get away with it, you aren’t running from yourself. You know that you aren’t acting out of your own integrity. Your God integrity. Lying can’t be integral. You may have figured out a way to normalize cheating, all of your buddies do it, but if you believe that it is so “normal” why can’t you tell your partner, and let he/she make their own decisions in regards to what works for them in the relationship?
This isn’t said to give you guilt, this is said to peel off the layers of denial we tend to have about what we are choosing for ourselves in a giving moment.
We normalize it, and yet, although its a slow death that hardly makes a sound. As we walk away from the truth we take one step closer into what it is to really die. To live a separated life from our own truth, is to live a separated life from God.
The Truth is everything in life. It is life itself.
When you come to the conclusion that the only thing that matters is your own integrity, you start to truly live. When you tell the truth, knowing that it may hurt another, but it doesn’t compare to the hurt that is being caused to you and another by breaching trust. When you are willing to look like the “bad guy” to your children, your partner, because you value being you so much, you are truly living when you do this. After forgiving yourself, when we are willing to forgive our partner and kids for their resentments that they are holding towards us. Everyone takes their own path into forgiveness, some sooner than others. There is no timeline.
But I’ll Lose Everything!
If divorce is the alternative, is the money you may lose in your marriage more important than your integrity? What about the house? Your reputation? Is it really more important?
Guess what you take with you when you die?
Not your friends, partners, kids, house, reputation and money.
Do you know what the number one regret dying people have when they are on their death bed?
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
I’m not telling you what to do. I’m merely setting another example of how it always comes to the same answer. If we can’t tell the truth and act out of truth, then we are walking around with false masks. Pretending with others and even ourselves.
It isn’t about whether one should leave or should stay. You’ll know which one is right for you. It isn’t about the action with God. It is always about the beingness behind the action. We either are making choices from truth, from God, or we are making choices as a forgotten God, a human being.
We are making choices in our lives out of being love, or being fear.
We can come to terms with the fact that we are delaying the inevitable, and for those of you that feel the pang in your stomach as you read this, theres a reason why you feel those feelings.
Your internal compass is telling you something is amiss. You deserve to break free of the chains of societal conditioning when you are ready to and live from truth, and to live as God.
But it will always be your choice.