In the very beginning, Okay there were many beginnings. But in October 2018, I was tricked into writing these little children’s books to get the ball rolling with writing. God let’s say told me a white lie and had me get my writing juices flowing with practicing on some children’s books first before all of this. Had I been told that I’d be writing about enlightenment, and my transformation that hadn’t kicked into full gear yet, I would’ve not taken that so well. The books will be written, but just all of this has turned up to be more important for now.
I’m enjoying a beautiful solo trip to Greece, its March 2018. Although I’m alone, I became acquainted with a few lovely couples in Athens and Santorini. One particular morning, we were headed out on a charter that day to do some sight seeing on the island. I was working on the second book of the children’s series, working out a plot in my hotel room in between excursions. The second book was going to be all about being a young kid and being brave enough to follow your own love, and not your parents wishes in life. Again, liberation is my theme song, always. Anyway, I was having a bit of a writer’s block for a few days, so I was reading, actually “The Disappearance Of The Universe,” that I devoured in a few days in my down time.
Anyway, this one couple in particular on the boat ride were both very sweet. Fiona was originally from Pakistan, very proud of her heritage, but also very American. She had a throw your hair back, hike your skirt up and take your shoes off type of temperament, the kind that I have as well, some days, so we hit it off. Her husband was also a very nice gent, Puerto Rican, much calmer and secluded, but very pleasant. They were my type of people.
As the filled wine glasses got thrown back and gulped down, one after another, the tears started to flow. We sat towards the back end of the boat where Fiona confessed all of her deepest pains that she was still carrying about her family. The largest being her parents decision to disown her. Fiona had made the bold move to covert from Islam to Christianity for her husband, and for herself. Her parents were disgusted, even her siblings. And despite how happy Fiona was, they would not accept her husband, or her decision to marry a Christian, and to top it off for them, a Puerto Rican.
Needless to say, she was completely beside herself, all these years later. Still deeply holding in all of her upset about this and the wine consumption, let the verbal spillage come out of her uncontrollably.
She turned into discussing her career next.
She was in her first years of practice as an attorney. It turned out to be a job that she absolutely despised. I really couldn’t imagine this particular free spirit as an attorney, I was even baffled by the sight of her in a business suit, filling out mounds of paperwork, and I didn’t even know her very well. She had become a lawyer, once again, because of her parents wishes, although she always knew that becoming a lawyer was probably not a right fit. As she’s telling me these stories, of course I’m realizing that the parallel of what I was currently having writers block over and her confessions, were no coincidence. Following your love in life, and not your parents was what my children’s book was about.
“So what is your passion Fiona?”
“Honestly?.” Her eyes gush at the thrill of answering the question.
“I will show you, this is my website. I love poetry, I love writing so much. That is what I want to do.”
I had to carefully grab my jaw off of the table and place back into my mouth without her noticing. Another parallel.
The drinks, and good times continued. Being that I just left my job, and writing had become my entire world shortly after that, I gave her a little advice, but I could tell, that she just wasn’t ready to make the move and disappear from the world of law and follow her one desire, her one love.
My dream when I was very young, always evolved around music. I loved to sing although I was shy. It was the only thing that I could see myself doing. That and becoming a famous ice hockey player in the Olympics, but of course, only if I could be the only female to play on the boys team. When I think of it, the arts in general, writing, singing and dancing were where I felt most like me.
I was conditioned in two ways. If I ventured into a music career, that would make me the third generation on my dads side to do so. My grandfather left medical school to become a Bass player in Manhattan. He was successful in his own right, was a part of the Cannon Ball Atterly Quintet for several years in his career. I didn’t know him very well, but I did know that he was a happy Jazz musician. He was following his love.
Then it came to my dad, In his 20’s he left a stable job at Fedex to venture to NYC to follow in the footsteps of his father. My dad wanted to sing. Jazz was the theme of the family, (hence, my first name came.) Even more Conditioning started to seep in because I no longer saw much of my dad after he left for NYC. Much more than a music career happened for my dad. He become hooked on coke and heroine and at one point he was homeless for over a year. Both my grandfather and father were wonderful people, but absentee parents as well.
So deep down as a child, the conditioning that I was exposed to was music was associated with abandoning your children, being broke, homeless, getting addicted to drugs, and possibly ending up in prison. My dad mugged a lady on the subway at one point when he was homeless and got himself thrown into prison.
My mother and grandmother were not a fan on any level of following a career of music, for the same reasons. The little exposure they had to that path, came with many other not so nice obstacles that were worth avoiding in their eyes. They both encouraged and advised a safer, more financially stable route for me. College was that answer as it is for many people. They didn’t force me to do anything, but they highly advised that I choose stability over anything else.
As I ended up a parent at the age of 17, I became placed in between two very different paths. One thing I knew for sure, was that I would not be leaving my kid under any circumstances. So I decided to take that safer route that my family approved of. A route where I could help people and make a good living at the same time. A path that my mom had tried to go down herself, but it didn’t work out for her. I chose to become a Nurse around that time and I graduated in 2009. As the years went on, I knew even before graduating that it wasn’t a good fit. You can just feel it in your bones when something is a miss, but I ignored it, and took out 75,000 worth of student loans, and ventured on.
I put Them Before Me
I realize the real reasons why I chose Nursing had to do with how I wanted people to view me. I wanted my family to be proud, and I knew that a career like that would make them so. I wanted to not be a failure in anyones eyes, and in some respects, I saw my dad as not quite measuring up in many areas of his life, of course that was my perception. I wanted to be different than what I saw. I wanted to be the provider for my family. I did not want to “abandon” anyone.
Of course, the one person I didn’t check in with, was myself.
It took many years of doing something I hated, for the arts to finally slap me in the face. I’m a writer, I’m an expresser, and I’m a musician, and that’s how God expresses through this body. That’s me. It took 15 years to go around the world, to come to right back were I started. The day I had to face my grand mom and tell her that Nursing was a no go for me. Oh boy, the disappointment I saw in her eyes, just pure disappointment.
Follow The Love and the Freedom Follows
I can tell you when you just follow the feeling, just the love; you keep blinders on as to how the money, people and opportunities will show up. Things that you wouldn’t believe start to happen. You see each month, each year, as so enjoyable, the money truly is an afterthought. You aren’t paying attention to money when you are in the flow. It’s the truth. Many people equate following your love to hard work, competition and not making money. It simply isn’t true. It’s the fear of failure that catches up with people. They either never jump and stay in safe jobs, or they quit too soon because of all the stories they’ve heard of how hard it is to start that business, or invent something, whatever.
They also project into looking at the outcome. This is how successful I need to be as a writer, as a business owner etc. Chasing outcomes is not the reason why we should follow our love. You do it because that is how God expresses through you and there is nothing else to do. God ain’t in this for the money, but the money does end up coming too if you want it to. The money doesn’t come, because of the fear, it comes because you are following your life purpose.
“But I have kids”
Follow your love
“But I took out so many student loans, and I wont make enough money.”
Follow your love
“But I’d have to work unreasonable hours.”
Follow your love
The answer doesn’t change. We are here to live in truth, and to live out of truth of God and to uniquely express it. Love is all that is here. Nothing else, although your eyes will show you something very different if you do a 360 real fast and take a look at what people value.
The biggest favor we can do for ourselves as children of our parents and grandparents, is to cut the chord from the womb.
If we can let go of what you think they think about your life, your marriage, your career and your abilities as a parent.
It’s okay not to care. It’s okay to cut that chord. You can still love them and not care what they think.
The biggest favor we can do for ourselves as parents of our own children, is to encourage our kids to only follow their love. Take risks, a ton of them. See the marvel in all paths, all choices. Change your mind, travel, marry the person that you sincerely want to be with, divorce if you feel called to, and change or leave religions.
Whatever, just make sure its yours.
I’m fortunate enough to know that this is by far the most valuable wisdom you can share with your children in the role of being their parent.
To encourage your kids to become liberated from conditioning and liberated from suffering. To allow them to let out all of their suppressed ‘demons’ that have been seen as unacceptable to society. Their anger, fears, and pain.
To choose love over everything else, and I mean everything.
That’s it. We ain’t here y’all for any other reason, we exist for that reason alone. To know, experience and embody fully the love…..of….God.
I think of Fiona often still, and I hope that wherever she is, she’s drinking a latte, bathing in the sun, engrossed in some beautiful writing project on her macbook. Being her badass Godly self and lastly, chillen’ like a mother fucker.