The Love I had Before This Love

If you are wondering at this point, Okay is this B for real? Is her life, her past, was it really all this? How could one person have so many moving parts, so many unusual stories all in one? I wish I could answer that question. It’s legit for real. Well as it pertains to living in an illusionary world, it’s legit. My consciousness had plans to have a wild as F platform in this lifetime. Okayyyyyy Boi. As crazy as some of these stories are, there isn’t one beefy bit that I’d change. Especially now since I’m less of a character in my movie, and I’m observing the reel on the projector screen and enjoying all of the colors whiz by.

Yipeeee!

Okay anyway, this post has to do with the man I once knew that played a very important role in my journey to where I am now. He has no idea, and as I send this post to him after writing this, it will all be news to him. And probably very hard for him to hear, but maybe not.

We are going back to New Jersey, to 2013 for this part of my life. One day, like many many many days, I was perusing the internet. And stumbled upon an ad. I wish I still had it. It was a Sugar Daddy Seeking a Sugar Baby post. But this ad, was long, and it had an overly detailed, militant feel to it. This guy seemed to know what he wanted man. I almost didn’t responded to it, because it seemed so high maintenance for my taste. But I did.

SD in search of intellegicent, classy, beautiful SB

Something like that. Weeks later we met in good old Atlantic City, Harah’s and I was nervous as hell.

I met him, and he seemed nice, easy going, way different than the ad he had posted so I silently phewed. He mentioned he wanted to get together about once a month or so. That seemed reasonable. I was open but skeptical of his consistency. The Sugar/escorting/prostitution blah blah all the same business is very inconsistent, just like many service industry businesses. People talk a mean game about being the best, most reliable client you ever had. Blah blah blah.

Many times, someone’s your client and poof they aren’t anymore. Now this guy, we will call him Jonathan, he’d laugh at that name. Now Jonathan you see, he wanted to be the only one.

Oh boy here we go I thought, another one that has the illusionary “I’m the only one” syndrome going on. WORK WORK WORK, I thought, but I went along with it for months until I couldn’t bare the lies anymore.

As the weeks and then months went by, I actually grew quite fond of this guy. He was funny, really funny. Twice my age, also married, although I never made someone’s marital status my business. We would go to lunch, among other “things” and sometimes go shopping. Then it turned into occasional day trips to Baltimore for some Crab cakes, baseball games all kinds of things. These day trips turned to night trips; Boston, Cape Cod and good ole’ NYC.

I couldn’t help but admit as the months went by, that I really looked forward to spending time with him. But at the same time I really couldn’t believe it.

I was surprised. And a little mad at myself.

I started to consider him to be a best friend. I noticed my hard edges, my protective mechanisms that I had worked so hard to create, especially in the sex work industry, the rigidities started to melt away. I remember one time I said I’m just so surprised that I spend so much time with you, and I’m not annoyed by you. You grew on me.

Like mold? He chummed back.

LOL that was my way of saying, hey you are sumthin’ to me, and there is sumthin’ to this.

As I approached the summer perhaps it had been 4-5 months at this point, I knew that I had to tell him my plans for the following year. I had to tell him that I was leaving for California. I could tell that he had no intentions of disappearing and ending this arrangement suddenly. I had developed feelings and the thought of hurting him was tough. As we strolled around the mall, we did that a lot, I got the courage to say it.

I don’t know how to tell you this, but next summer, in about 11 months, I have plans to move to move to California.

As the relationship continued over that following year, nothing on my end was held back. I knew I had somehow fallen in love with him. Against all logic. So for me, with love comes truth all the truth. The naked on the freeway in bumper to bumper traffic truth. I let everything out and I mean errrr-thang. The fact that I was seeing other clients, my oh so wild past and life and that I was leaving for CA. As he digested all of it, he was able to come clean about his “other” women too, and his wild escapades. In some areas, he had me beat. At one point he even drove me around to be my chauffeur while I popped around to see other clients. I asked his opinion on how I should respond to such and such requests from this client and that. The whole thing, well, it was completely liberating to just be stark naked in truth, together.

Besides our laughs, that was the most magical thing about being with Jonathan. I taught him to tell the truth by just being a pure example of it always. I showed him how it looks to to hold nothing back. He was not used to that. Most people aren’t. I taught myself how important the truth is from the practice that I had in that relationship.

And That Stuck With Me.

Now as the end of the year in 2014 approached I knew the end of our relationship was nearing. There was all this talk of staying best friends and talking all the time. Or him moving to California, and leaving his whole world behind. But deep deep down, I knew what it was. He was a catalyst of love for me as I was for him. I didn’t know what for at the time. But I knew deep down that that relationship had a specific beginning and end. It was real, but it was time sensitive. I could feel so clearly that California was where the road would end for us.

At the time I didn’t imagine ever falling for someone again, falling in love again I mean. I figured it’d make sense to brand myself in some sort of way, so that when I moved, it would remind me of that year and a half. Like I said, it really was somethin’ else.

So I changed my last name to his. Because I wanted a symbol to remember the love by.

And as the rumors ran around in the family that I hadn’t even mentioned Jonathan to.

Are you married?

Some friends and family would ask. I really didn’t put much effort up to explain anything. Sometimes I get secret entertainment out of sitting back and watching people come to their own conclusions I guess.

It was my little secret. I changed my last name to remember the secret love that I once had, that I decided I’d never have again.

After changing my name, every time I said the last name “Elder” I’d feel a little twinge of delight, of remembrance.

That love taught me how to pivot onto the road of loving someone unconditionally. I’d never practiced such total transparency before until Jonathan. I had such a pure existence, living and being the truth in that relationship, and my ability to feel that again came from the practice I had with Jonathan.

The love I had for him was a catalyst to me falling in love with my twin flame, with Judas….and from there, the deepest love of all. The pure unrefuted, unconditional love for myself, love for God that was in truth the love I had been searching for all along.

Now my capacity to love has further evolved because I have evolved since 2014. To think I was able to love again, and then to experience love at this magnitude, the love that I have for Judas. I’m speechless. How Cheesy, but I am. Speechless.

Jonathan pops into my mind from time to time and here is what I hope for him. I hope that through the pain and anger of losing our relationship, that he not only finds peace, but can eventually see the reason why I showed up, as I’ve discovered the reason why our paths crossed and what purpose it brought to my path. I hope he can see that it was the liberation, the freeing himself from truth that was the gift that I brought him. To live a life unafraid of what the consequences are of being transparent. That was the reason all along that I showed up.

When the pain subsides and we can see clearly, you can see relationships for what they were, they were always the most valuable for the creative value they brought, and the lessons and truths you learned about yourself. It has been years, since I’ve moved. 6 to be exact almost to the date.

And I can only hope, that his heart is free like mine is 🙂

Join the Conversation

3 Comments

  1. I wish that you hadn’t had left, leaving him behind is like leaving yourself behind,

    What world do I live in, where unconditional love is even not enough in front of this chasing a dream illusion ,

    There is nothing more important than a soul mate connection,

    I cannot stress it enough,

    The most hardest and the important thing is to find your soulmate( twin flame) and hold onto that connection,

    And we let it all go for what,

    Life feels like an eternity of an empty shell without the soul mate in our lives.

    Like

    1. No relationship is definitively destined to continue. That is missing the point to love another with no conditions. Soulmate, twin flame, and any other relationship. That’s the beauty of love. There is no hold, no restrictions, and no requirements.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Don’t you think, that unconditional love means not to condition ourselves from leaving each other but being with each other, especially in such connections that we don’t get to have with everyone and anyone,

    Isn’t that why paths cross so we never let go of each other,

    How can moving on be justified from such connections.

    Like

Leave a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: