This is not surprising for me, but honestly it is surprising too especially when I go back and look at some of my earlier posts where I wrote about my experiences/realizations then. I’ve talked about it before. How enlightenment doesn’t mean, passively meditating, never moving the body to participate in helping in a “physical way”, never having human happenings like work, or taking care of children, and I stand by what I said, it is true. The process of awakening, at different stages will look completely different from one person to the next. Hey, some people might not want to go all the way, for awakening and full Christhood, embodying God in full, aren’t the same. .
But for me, as a human, and knowing Jazz as Jazz, I’m a little beside myself lately. In a good way. But it is one of those other, who am I ? moments. It makes me think of that day, August 24th when it all became crystal clear for the first time. For months this had been circling in my head. I wasn’t happy about finding out about Mary Magdalene. I was actually pretty peeved at first.
For months before I understood, my head was filtrated with thoughts like,
Why do I need to know that I am the reincarnation of Mary Magdalene?
Why would that hold any significance for me to know that?
What am I supposed to DO with that?
This was the night I found out, why I was told that. I know these blogs are tough to read out of order, so here is that link incase you haven’t read those posts.
Well I got my answer that night, that night, that I will always remember. And it was clear, that in order to become responsible in the way that I had just become responsible, that Jasmine was a chapter of life that had agreed to be the last chapter that would allow the continuation of an incomplete story from 2000 years ago. And the trek that I thought I was on, which was fully embodying God, the real purpose behind it, was not what I thought it was. I thought I’d embody God’s love fully, help people who were interested in their own journey home and chill like so many enlightened people do.
Throughout the spring and summer, I was shedding Jazz’s desires, her identities and her projected ideals of what her future would look like, in cycles. And it was happening very quickly.
I remembered me, as the human, me as the Jazz. Tough as nails, but as silly and sweet as candy I tell ya’. I was full of hugs, but also……I was motivated to get ish’ done, and to get it done well. If I wanted something, I’d narrow in on my focus, I didn’t give two fucks how long it would take to accomplish my mission, but I was getting the job done. Jazz was a BEAST at productivity.
Jazz wanted a house, a very specific house for like many years. Many many many years. This was my (Jazz’s) vision that I would doodle in every notebook or make a vision board, or do some silly meditation over.
A beach house, four bedrooms at least, open floor plan double deck attached to the master and first floor, extra space to build a dance studio for a stripper pole. And don’t forget the little studio to record music with all of my favorite recording artists that I’d one day collab with. Or how about the pool table that I’ll look at and hang a beer chandelier over, but I’ll probably never play pool, just watch my friends play. I wanted to see glass in my house. A lot of it. Ceiling to floor windows overlooking the Pacific. Add some Buddhist chants and coffee to go along with the sunrise in the morning and you are good to go. I mean this is what I talked about with anybody that knew me…..for years.
And now, here I am. 33, naked from the past, and the whole house thing, well, it’s not really a thing anymore.
Let’s change the subject to another desire I had. I think about the absolute love of my life awakening. I love that mother fucker so much, Judas, I love em’, I really really do, he’d laugh to still hear me call him by his per name, mother fucker :-). I imagined Judas somehow just, getting it, catapulting towards me with his own God realizations, not because I even guided him in that direction. For a year, I imagined him finally allowing his mental blocks to start to crumble. I imagined the fear, his internal conflict just dissipating into thousands of years of healed karma, and just becoming the love, the God that he is and directing all of that love, that God, towards himself, and the selfish add on, to me of course.
I used to think about it, I used to want it. I used to wonder why it was taking so long. Needless to say, I was entrenched with desire, just like the next person. And it ain’t nothin’ wrong with playing the game of desires.
But now, when it comes to desiring any of it.
I got nothing.
I’m all empty.
Now I don’t mean those basic desires, like getting dressed and eating food. Heehee. But lets even take that example. The specifics, like, what to wear, or what to eat. Anything that takes up extra thoughts, I just don’t go there often and I’m surprised! I really loved food and had desires, a lot of them. I loved Mai Tai’s and I desired them too, often.
Anyways, I still think about the house, I still think about Judas in a way of watching him awaken and being with him, but it’s not out of desire. It’s like watching a clip of a movie, and having warm thoughts as it passes through my awareness. It’s me watching, what exists in the nonphysical, and watching it past through. I really feel the love right here, as me with all of that being a part of me although its not grab-able.
Scary. It really is. Not bad scary though.
It’s like the scary in The Matrix when Neo wakes up suddenly from the Matrix and becomes unplugged, the look on his face, it’s like he’s coming through the birth canal. Being reborn. That kinda scary.
It reminds me of the years and years of listening to Law of Attraction material, how once you don’t want a thing anymore, that’s when it comes to you. I used to really really try to convince the universe that I so didn’t want that thing. A relationship, more money, recognition etc, and yet every week, or month, I’d check the calendar, wondering why that thing that I didn’t want anymore wasn’t here yet. I really didn’t get, that in all of that law of attraction stuff, what they were talking about what happens during the enlightenment process. You become a masterful manifestor, perhaps, but with little desire. And that is exactly the point. You can manifest things quite quickly, and yet the burning nag and need to have, has gone. And further I should add, is because of the details of what you wanted are completely let go of, when it comes back, it comes back as the highest and best energetically. It isnt even maybe a house at all, but still an energetic match to God’s highest plan for your life.
It is good news. Not to the human, but to the real me. To the human zeroing in on desire felt unnatural. That’s why it felt like dying. Thats why it felt sad or like some sort of a loss.
Now to the really good news.
I’ve got one desire that I’m full of. My desire is to help humanity awaken. I don’t desire the other things I mentioned, but I also don’t not desire them either. What it is, is there’s just this lack of putting any energetic investment into caring one way or the other. I have no interest in using any mental space to desire outside of…..being what i am.
What I desire is that one thing. It’s alive and fiery in its passion. I know what a desire feels like, and none of the other stuff feels remotely close to the desire to become God in a body, the desire to become The Christ, to further aid the world in waking itself up. To act as God always through this body. To allow love to radiate out of me continuously with no end.
And another necessary mention is even that desire must be let go of. It’s still the ego keeping the game of want going.
Now I realize I’m in the emptying stage right now. My focus is on love, my focus is becoming the Christ. Once the ball gets rolling, I’m sure the humaness to some degree will smoothly integrate back. Maybe, Maybe not. This is all as new to me as it may be to some of you. But, I’m open.
Things may be different, but this process that I’m going through is very human. I did not have five angels appear to me one day to tell me “Oh you are so divine, you’ve decided to become The Christ in this life time aid the world in saving itself.” I found out on a bathroom floor in San Clemente California.
I’m ordinary. Although I do not suffer anymore, I’m still very human. I still have sadness. I still have the full range of emotion. You still do as God.
What I do know is that this is the path of my life’s mission.
Some parts of this journey have been a little scary, because its new, as a forgotten God, it feels new. As a human, it feels new. And this is a new development. This no desirey thingy.
I do know that following the God of me and letting the rest be, is what’s right for me. I sit for a moment, and feel in for the one thing that keeps this going. And it’s the peace of God. Still there, furiously there, and growing each day.
Thank you for letting me share with you just another part of my journey:-).