I’ve talked about some of this, but now I will expand a bit. A few months ago, now that I think of it, around August, rounds of healing were coming in at a much more rapid succession. During the last 12 months before August, healing always came with breaks in between, weeks, sometimes a month.
But towards the end of the summer, things changed. There was hardly any time in between. I’d heal, come up for air, only to be dunked back down again. Kind of like back in your childhood, when you are swimming in the summer pool at your aunt’s house, and your cousin thinks it’s hilarious to dunk you under water, watch you gasp for air as you reach the surface, only to dunk you back down again. Or maybe that was just my cousin. God, I miss her.
So there I was day after day, healing, gasping for air in attempt to recover, then going in for another round of healing again.
And that’s exactly what sparked my next question.
When does this end?
This, as in this healing phase? I’m certain Yeshua and the Buddha weren’t handling karma still once they were performing healing and bringing the love of God into the world they live in. As I often have in this process, I was starting to feel like a lost pup in the wilderness. No elder, no visible roadmap or manual to give me just little external insight as to what to expect on this journey.
Shortly after asking the question however, the answer came in in October. Godvice time.
The healing ends as soon as your investment in what never existed disappears.
Basically, as soon as I stopped buying into the egoic merry go round of conflict, of duality, or making all of this real, I’d only see the truth, what in truth, was the only thing that ever really existed. The truth that there was nothing to ever fix, just my belief in that it needed fixing.
If you were wondering, it’s easier said than done.
Well dang, I thought, way to take full responsibility.
But, was I ready?
I wasn’t sure how long my actions would catch up to my new found awareness, but it was cool to know that there was hope! Eureka! I would not be doing this “forever.”
Which led me to last weekend to get a glimpse of what not doing this forever would feel like.
A few days before, I was starting to get the feelings. The feelings of some blocks coming up for healing. For me, my dreams get very obvious, as to what’s going really with my perceptions of people, places and things including myself. Once I had a subconscious fear of my oldest son one day ending up on drugs. And so in the dream, I’m following my son to a broken down corner, with a bunch of people who were very high and very angry. Next thing you know in the dream, one of the ladies is beating me over the head with her fists. No subtly there, I woke up knowing what fear needed some handling.
It also manifests physically for me. A few days before last Saturday, I developed a few days of pretty severe lower back pain, the kind that keeps you up at night. So there I was at my friends house Sabryna actually living there now, surrendered, on Saturday night open, willing and ready to heal. The twins are hanging out playing on their ipad’s and somehow watching Netflix at the same time on the floor.
I sit on the floor ready to go in. Waiting for all of the waves of negative emotions that usually come up when I surrender to healing.
…and I waited and waited.
Finally, I open my eyes, making a facial expression shaped like a question mark if thats even possible.
A few breaths later, I get a clear God answer of,
I still sit with the same inquisitive facial expression,
huh? What do you mean ‘all done’?
Well, you’re all done, the healing is over. The question is, are you READY for the healing to be over? Are you READY to see the Christ, to see God, everywhere, and to let go of what was never real?
And so I sat with that.
I immediately I felt deep sadness. What this would mean, is the human game for me, the one I’ve played for the last 33 years and lifetimes before and thought was very real is….
Even if I wanted to, can’t play the game any longer, knowing its falsehood, knowing that it’s not the truth.
So, I settled into my humaness and I cried, and cried, and CRIED. I let myself be fully human, to feel the spectrum of every emotion that I needed to feel. Till finally, I felt the shift from within.
Yes, I’m ready.
I’m ready, to let go of all of it.
I’m ready, to become the Christ.
I scurry for my phone and text my friend, my brother in his love for God, Michael.
Micheal I died. I just died.
When I wake up tomorrow, everything will be different. I died and I’m the Christ. It’s all God now. Gosh this is so amazing to be apart of this, what a dream.
It took him a little bit to come around to texting back, who wouldn’t when someone texts you, skips a hello and says I died. What he wrote back just made the night more memorable.
To Become the Christ You Must Die Before You Die.
It wasn’t until this very moment, that I got it. Your final death is letting go of the illusion that all of this is real entirely. And in an instant, it is a choice that you make that will change everything. And its still a moment to moment choice. The long way was what I was doing before. Waiting for conflicts within my own mind to pop up, so that I could deal with them. Round by round. Becoming aware, owning it, and letting it go. I can’t say there isn’t value in doing it that way, but, it’s the long way. Most people never get there, and the people that do get there, healing their stuff, do it for decades or the remainder of their physical lives.
What I’m saying is, there’s a shorter way and an easier way.
To recognize that there is only one conflict and it comes from fear. That we believe in a separate world separate from God, in other words that we believe in duality.
That we believe in the illusion of seperation.
To let go of the illusion entirely is to heal all misperceptions.
All things I thought I needed to get rid of, those judgements, those fears, were never real and just for a moment, I got it.
I fully embodied the Christ that night as the tears streamed down my face and I stared at my son watching Netflix on the floor, with his head on my lap. Wrapped around motherhood, the love for my children, and their unwavering love and devotion for their momma.
The ego had let go that night enough for me to get a real, long glimpse.
I embodied the Christ in the most ordinary way and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
Nothing I knew would ever be the same.