This is obviously the hardest let go I’ve experienced. It’s not a let go that I ever expected to let go of. A lot has happened over the last few weeks. We, the three of us, me, Max and Xander, as you know, have been doing the homeless thing. And honestly, I’ve told you the ups and downs, and it has been fine for me and fine for the twins. But I was always careful to make sure, and watch them. They never complained, and hardly seemed to notice. What they did notice is that for their birthday I only ordered them one Dogman book each instead of two! I wasn’t completely off the hook. As I’ve shared my story, the human me struggled with the universal judgement seen at every corner. People couldn’t believe that I would be homeless with my children. I really did, I, as Jazz, struggled with the judgement.
I realized though, that here is what the real struggle was. A human trying to understand God moves from human understanding. What they really couldn’t believe, was that I was willing to follow God’s will all the way down to being homeless.
It was around three weeks ago, Halloween, where I noticed from every angle I was feeling hardcore judged by many that I spoke to.
But how could you? What about the twins?
As a mother, I just don’t understand.
And it hit me. As it always does…..hit me.
This is why we don’t have many mothers even as many woman as men becoming enlightened. Following the full surrender into God. This, among other reasons.
Because most moms put their kids before themselves, and that is seen as noble, as the thing to do. Actually, as the only thing to do.
As moms, we SACRIFICE.
We as moms, sacrifice our spiritual journey as well as our other needs to live up to the job of being THE mom.
And how dare I do this for……myself???
How dare I follow the God of me and the Godvice I was receiving, over what seemed like the welfare of my children?
I was at least comforted to know that that’s where the judgement coming from. But there was something in there, in me, that I still couldn’t get rid of.
I had to sit with the fact that I knew I wasn’t as committed to the God journey as I thought.
How did I know?
I realized it on Halloween night, the kids were happily hanging out on our hotel room floor with millions of pieces of candy surrounding them.
I saw a funny vision that never happened. Yeshua/Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead, and me, Mary Magdalene raising up one of our sons in the middle of the resurrection and saying
Hey Yeshua, can you change his diaper, I’ve got to go to the bathroom.
Sure hon let me finish this whole raising him from the dead thingy, and I’ll be right with ya.
This is why Yeshua, this is why the Buddha, left what they knew to go through their transformation. They left their families, their responsibilities, to become God in a body.
So why was it acceptable for them and not for me? Here’s a big reason. According to societal rule,
They were men and not mothers.
I realized that I had deep rooted guilt. That’s why I was being triggered by other people’s comments. I knew suddenly, deep down that they should be with their father in Florida while I go through the rest of this transformation, but I felt guilty as the mom to let them go. The deep rooted societal conditioning was blocking my vision. I hadn’t let go of motherhood in order to let God in fully. The same way I had let go of everything else, my job, money, Judas, The Buddhist Organization I was affiliated with, friends and family, and my home.
The truth was that I hadn’t fully let go of my attachment to motherhood.
I realized for the first time, that I wasn’t fully committed to the God journey. I’d missed so many meditations, classes and meetings because I had the twins. I’d fit God in around the twins schedules, during school hours. I knew it. But there was deep guilt to admit it.
So I laid up staring at the ceiling, hardly any space in the queen size thanks to my sloppy sleepers next to me. Checked the clock. 2:22 am and right then, I knew what I had to do. I had to fire a message to their dad. Healing my fear, and welcoming the possibility that my kids live with their dad for a while is what was the next step in the emptying process. Knowing that some way some how, the twins would come back to me, but in truth, having no idea when, or what my life would look like when they did come back.
For the next few months, I’m going through a major transition with our housing situation. It is going to take some time to secure housing.
I’m open to the boys coming to stay with you for a while, if you are open to it? It isn’t what I want, but I have to consider what the most stable thing is for them while I go through this process. Maybe through the rest of the school year?
If you can’t do it, thats okay too.
Let me know. Happy belated halloween
I cried and cried, and stayed awake to glance over at my phone around 4am. I had an email. And it wasnt the email I was expecting back, it was from someone else. Glenn Hoveman, the Publisher of ACOL, A Course of Love.
Hello dear Jazz,
It was probably 5 or 6 months ago that LV invited me to participate in the Monday evening Zoom calls oriented around How to Become A Christ.
….Anyway you were on my mind this evening so before sending a note off to you I remembered your “I am Mary Magdalene” blog, which I thought was great.
I was deeply touched by the most recent two posts. Touched by your wholeness, your trust. As you know ACIM says that trust is the final quality to be learned by Teachers of God. And by your acceptance of what is, which is foundational in ACOL to knowing Christ-consciousness.
I may have mentioned to you that one of the things I do is publish a monthly ACOL newsletter, The Embrace.
….And I was feeling that the two blogs I read this evening from 10/28 and 10/29 would — if shortened considerably — make a good article. The Embrace features articles by people who are inspired by ACOL, and you qualify! :~) I love how you approach this “crisis.” And how you approach giving and receiving as one. Very inspiring!
And so there it was. The blog was reaching people, it was touching people, just like I always knew it would and more love and support than I could ever imagine. I laid in bed and felt the shift physically. I was stepping into new territory now. Big letting go’s were always followed by the next step being revealed. But what would be revealed next?
Me and the boys arrive to Tampa after a smooth but long layover ride from John Wayne Airport. It’s morning, 12 hours of traveling and everyone’s tired. Through their weariness, Max and Xander are over the moon to see their dad. Where’s my brother? They both ask in a sing song unison as they hurriedly hug their dad.
I take one of the looks at them like your’e taking a mental picture in your head. Like maybe I’d paint a portrait later on of that moment or something. I settled in that moment for an actual picture. I hugged them, and I did an okay job of hiding my sadness. It’s that last nag, when you turn your back and walk away and down the escalator and look back for one last glimpse of their faces, not sure of the the next day, the exact day of when you’ll see your kids faces in real time.
God it stung.
But they were so happy. I walk towards the terminal towards a journey with so many unknowns, feeling as if I was leaving my past behind. But I knew it wasn’t true, but in the moment, it just felt like that.
They were okay, and I had done the next step in my transformation. I had done the right thing.
I said yes and the next set of Godvice ensued.
I was told that I’d be traveling, and I’d be traveling very soon, in about a month. It wasn’t physically possible to take them with me and they had to be with their dad for I couldn’t take them where I was about to go. It was all making sense.
The waves of loss, come in like a wave. But underneath it, there it is, ahhhhh, that place in peace I know so familiarly, more familiarly than any other feeling. The peace in knowing there is no suffering with God as God.
To follow God’s will all the way down to my naked bare bones is what I’m here for. Jasmine is not here just as Jasmine anymore. I couldn’t pretend anymore that it wasn’t true, everything was gone.
Everything except, the peace.
I let the new information and the new energies integrate into my mind, and through my body.
The Rebels Journey to Enlightenment. I had written those words with the thought in mind that the journey was all spiritual. It was clear that this Rebels Journey to Enlightenment was about to become also a very physical one.