Writings from: Jan 31-Feb 1
So all of the experiences I’d had in my time alone at Shanti so far in the last week, have all very much been centered around healing my need to lean on Yeshua. Now that we’d met in body in this lifetime, I couldn’t deny the sense of relief that I felt that I wouldn’t be on this journey of embodying the Christ alone. But everything I’d seen about the future, us traveling side by side, helping the world heal itself through the Love of God that we’d become, making a life together, and lastly the welcoming of our daughter Lucy, I had to let it go. I also had to be willing come March, to go right back out there and start walking across the country again….alone. I realized that it wasn’t my business to know whether thats how it would turn out or not, it was just my willingness that allowed for the healing of needing it one way or the other to take place.
As I knew this and healed this over the last week, God asked something of me yesterday, the morning of Shabbat that seemed off topic to my healing. I’d just gotten back from the cross, a ten minute walk to an open area with a stoned circle with a large wooden cross in the middle of the circle. The cross had become my sacred sanctuary within my first day of being at Shanti. In between getting back from the cross I heard, Its time to get ready. My hair was freshly wet and brushed from just showering, I even got really fancy and put some makeup on and earrings.
Just after finishing, I was asked to turn around and go back out there to the cross again. Hurry, I heard.
As I made my way through the rocks, the half melted patches of snow, the hills and the cactus, I heard from God, drop your bags here, your coat. Then, your shoes, then eventually, your top, your pants here, drop them. As I stood now stark naked treading through patches of mud and snow in 40 degree weather, I knew at this point what was coming next.
God had playfully suggested the idea of me stripping my clothes off and rolling around in the mud a few days before, and honestly I was all for it until I realized how cold it was in the Canyons of Youngsville New Mexico. Cold was never a favorite thing for me. I’m the girl that takes a hot cup of tea to the bathtub, and thinks a cold weathered vacation is just plain mean.
But I grabbed that first fistful of mud and slapped it on my freshly clean body, realizing there were more rocks in it than mud. I thought I could get away with keeping my underwear on, but no, they had to come off too. Slap, Slap slap. I just kept going, until all that fresh makeup I’d put on my face was covered in wet fistfuls of earth juice.
Now go up to the cross and lay there. I laid sprawled out in front of the cross wet, and freezing, with my face planted in the dirt. I see why I’m doing this, its because I hate the cold! And now here I am fully submerged in it. Naturally, I assumed I’d just patiently wait at the cross until Yeshua would come get me. I was sure that he’d be there any minute. Minutes went by, and then finally, an hour until I heard it clear as day as I looked up at the cross which seemed to be gleaming from the sunlight. I lay there and listen hovering over my own shivering limbs.
You are still needing to heal from your need to be saved by your Yeshua. Go home to him. Walk home to him now, and leave your shoes and your clothes. You must walk on your own, away from the cross like you did 2000 years ago.
It was my final moment, my final gesture, of really on the deepest level, proving to myself that I’d unhinged myself from any specialness between me and Yeshua. Unhinged myself from needing to be ‘saved’. I’d always known that I was always meant to save myself. Yeshua had always been Mary, and Mary, Yeshua. God was the only one playfully orchestrating this whole thing. Had always been me. Theres knowing it conceptually and then there was living it. So I lived it through every muddy step I took towards home.
As I took each step, I felt searing pain from either stepping directly into a cactus disguised as a bush, or rocks jetted out from the side of the mountain. And then I entered into a choice point. To either walking through the snow, or choosing the side of the hillside that was pretty steep, filled with more rocks. I decided to shimmy my numb body down the hillside with the rocks little by little. I’m certain a 10-15 minute walk had become an hour long naked one and ,mainly because I couldn’t feel from my knees down. Towards the end, the last few yards to the door, the snow was unavoidable. I tipped toed my numb feet in the snow and then decided to crawl the rest of the way.
Maybe about 25 feet away from the back door of the house I heard from God, wait here a moment. I kneeled down for about 5 minutes, finally surfacing and breaking the air with my fists feeling triumphant, but also feeling pain everywhere. AAAAAAHHHHHHH! I let out an all to familiar warrior cry, one I’d yelled out millions of times in my attempts to emulate Xena the Warrior Princess as a kid, and I admit as an adult too.
Just as I scream. I see him.
He sees me, smiling from ear to ear, he runs to me and lifts me up off the cold wet ground into his arms. He was there, really there. A week of healing without him had felt like months.
He gazed at me as if every time you greet your partner, it should involve mud all over their face.
You look so beautiful. You walked home to me, You walked home to me.
In that naked and muddy walk back from the cross, I healed my need to be rescued by him. He piggybacked me eventually into the house where he carefully bathed my freezing body, taking out every rock and pebble out of my hair, carefully tweezing out every Cactus spine from my tender feet.
I realized that just like my trek in the Mojave desert, I once again had walked home to him.
For Shabbat, I had instructions to wear white, Yeshua brought me a fresh white skirt and top to slide on. At that point the Shabbat crowd had already arrived, I suppose there were 12 people or so either there or on their way. Everyone there had been introduced I’m sure to my muddy naked butt before the front side of me. A lovely tip off to the way the rest of the night would unfold.
The days before going into Shabbat, Godvice had been that I would be fully embodying the Christ energies in a way that I hadn’t yet experienced in front of a room full of people. The night before, I was instructed to take Jayem and Ken aside to inform them of some of the details that I was being told would occur. I started it with something like, well you know that whole second coming of the christ thing, it’s an actual physical event, its tomorrow. The room got pretty quiet, as you would imagine, although it wasn’t news to Ken, he had been on to me since I set foot at Shanti.
As the sun began to set and we started the Shabbat ceremony, it began for me as Jayem led a meditation. My heads energy expanded outwards towards the entire room, increasing by each second. In order to allow for the energy to continue to expand and move so freely, I found myself doing two things. Breathing like I’d never breathed before, although it was now reverse. Rather than me breathing, it was clear as my lungs expanded and retracted back and forth that God was indeed breathing me. As I continued to breathe, I heard, Just look up, just keep looking up. I extended the back of my head so far that I was halfway off the couch. Although meditation involved 12 other silent people, I was unable to control the moans that were escaping my mouth as this expansion into the Christ energies continued.
Also by the second, I was loosing body awareness, the me, had become every thing and every person inside of the room and my body had become an afterthought. The room of people were visibly disturbed and avoided eye contact, with what was now the four of us, Me, Michelle, Yeshua and a friend of ours Linda. It then got to the part during ceremony where there was dancing and singing. At that point, I could’t stand. It continued to be God breathing me, and using the eyes of Jasmine’s body to observe what was happening in the room. As I watched everyones body move in different ways, I was viewing them with pure naked awareness. Imagine being flown in from another planet and this is your first experience with a thing called dancing and a thing called singing. And the best part that the God using my eyes to view the room, was marveled by the rituals. I turned to maybe Michelle with a beaming smile and said. God needs no ritual, ceremony or routine and yet look how beautiful this is! I appreciate the art, look at how their bodies are moving, look! It’s just beautiful, beautiful!
My chatting continued on into the silent time of Shabbat simply because no moment within the now, was attached to the past. So the rule of its time to be quiet now, was immediatly forgotten in the next moment. My short term memory was pretty much gone. God isn’t the best with rules and regulations I turned to Michelle and giggled incessantly.
there were 8 or 9 people supposed to sleep over, and only 5 of us made it to want to stay and I don’t think many stayed long after Shabbat. The energies of separation were still there, and yet there was a deepened allowance for everyone in the room to have their own experience, there was now a feeling of far awayness, of two experiences within me occurring at the same time. One was real, the experience of love, of God. And the other was a choice to choose something to else, and it was all so beautiful. I was overcome with the deepest respect for each person as God to choose independently from God. Their decision to exercise their free will and turn away from God, was hitting me with an expansive ability to accept that as it was. Even in that choice, it was still……all……God.
As I continued on having God view the world through my eyes. A noticeable thing to me was Yeshua’s energy towards me that night. I noticed for much of the night he avoided making eye contact, and avoided talking to me directly. It had been brought into my awareness through Godvice that we’d be having some sort of explorative release of darkness type experience that was upcoming. I assumed it would be the night of Shabbat, but I could tell that he just wasn’t ready to go there, neck deep into all of our dark corners within the depths of our minds. That night, it was clear as his energy would surge close to me that he was afraid of me, and it was clear more than ever that we’d be facing together later, the fear of God.
A moment in the night after everyone had went to bed, I was overcame by Mary’s energy. I turned to Yeshua and looked at him with a look of someone that’d been waiting for their mate to return to them for the last two thousand years. as I cradled his face with my hands, my voice was so soft, with such a melodic gentleness that sounded like a lullaby. My Yeshua, how I waited for you to come home to me. And I will always wait. Some of the fear in his eyes subsided as the energy of Yeshua came forth fully. He put his head down and laid his head in my lap. I will always remember who you are, you can always look into my eyes and remember who you are when you look at me. Michelle hugged the two of us and there were tears shared between all of us. We held each other for quite some time after that.
I wasn’t able to really walk, and it required the help of Yeshua and Michelle to get me to the bathroom. Once inside I looked in the mirror and I didn’t recognize my own face. God spoke the words that escaped my mouth next. God continued to gaze at my reflection.
Thank you Jasmine. Thank you for devoting your life to me. Thank you for surrendering to me, thank you for letting me breathe life into you. A few moments later, I could feel the energy of Jasmine surface up as if walking up to a microphone when its your turn to speak.
Still continuing to look in the mirror, I bursts into tears. Tears of overwhelmement, of joy, and in remembering how hard of a journey it was to get to that moment of standing there looking at my reflection. My life is yours, I said. You’re welcome. I love myself so much. I love Jasmine so much, I said and then giggled. God came through and giggled back. That sounded about right. It was just like the last year and a half of my life, equal parts tears, equal parts giggles.
As I stood there in the bathroom, it was so clear to me that Gods invitation was a revolving open one. The door to God’s heart could never be shut as God had always been there, through my suffering, my tears, my frustration and impatience. God waited patiently for my curiosity of God to naturally grow. And here I was, standing there looking in the bathroom mirror at 33 years old, finally with a curiosity that had burned into an unbearable desire to know myself like I never had come close to knowing before.
I had really fully come home, but more than that I had always been home with God all along and God patiently waited for my recognition of that. Thanks for letting me take my own journey G. Thanks.
The last huge moment for me of the night was finally at bedtime, probably around 1am, I was about to receive another unexpected message. I lay on my side in the dark Ben/Judas came into focus. Like a breeze that comes in when you open up all your windows in the house. Ben hit me with I love you. Every cell in my body started to vibrate, my head continued to expand again like it had earlier. I love you, I love you…. over and over the energy of I love you continued. The words that I had felt and never heard from his mouth for 3 years, were finally released that night. I could feel nothing but him, he was all around me.
Through my tears I whispered, Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, thank you. It was because of meeting Ben, that this whole coming home to God thing began for me. It was because of him that I was laying next to my Yeshua, united in our love and quest to bring the awareness of God back into the world through our bodies. I had waited so long to feel Ben’s love fully, and what unlocked it the night of Shabbat was the the love of me. Embracing fully the love of God into my life. That night was my home sweet home to Christ.
And now that I was home, now waiting for my Yeshua to come home too.
The next morning as the silently disturbed crowd surprisingly returns to Shanti for the next morning, Yeshua drops two surprises. He announces to the room that he’s Yeshua, more commonly known as Jesus Christ to everyone. And I was sure it wasn’t possible, but the tension and discomfort packs on a few more layers for the crowd. Then, he whips around, turns to me, and crouches down on one knee and grabs the ring that Yeshua told me to buy before my walk. The same ring that he’d slipped off my finger in the car a week before while I cried.
No poems no love songs, just….
Will you marry me?
So the Second Coming of the Christ had no trumpets after all, no white horses, and no visible angels unlike whats interpreted in our scriptures. It was a group of 12 people in New Mexico on a peace land called Shanti Christo, on the first Shabbat of the month. 12 people who turned away from an event that we’ve been reading about for the last 2000 years.
And, don’t forget the mud.
When it comes to God, we expect the presence of God in a certain way. More commonly referred to as a spectacle. Perhaps with Lightening bolts in the sky, and a big becoming voice that sounds like James Earl Jones in the Verizon wireless commercial.
Especially in spiritual communities, we say things like, we are all one, and yet when we look at another, how often do we view with our eyes God in all things, people and experiences? God is the next person that texts you to ask you to lunch. God is the woman that you open your eyes to every morning when you wake up to the sunrise. God is the essence behind what you would call ordinary experiences. Even in what you would call dark or unpleasant experiences. God is what you often would call worth ignoring or judging. Only when we set foot throughout our day with a heart emitting a clear signal of nonjudgment and neutrality can God use all events, people and experiences to solidify our call to come home. A call to drop the fear, the judgement, and the need to separate ourselves from others, which is us separating ourselves from God. When love becomes the focal point of our lives, not just when its obvious or easy, but in every moment, and with everyone, do your eyes and mine finally open up to see you, to see me, to see God, everywhere.
And when you see yourself truly for who you are which is everyone, everything and everywhere, the power that unlocks from the embodiment of the Christ has no words to describe it in this language, or any other.
I’ll be at Shanti for another two weeks or so most likely.
More to come. More to share.