Although I posted the wedding video in my last entry, I didn’t have instructions to write anything for a whole month. This is a journal entry of what happened a few weeks ago. The next few posts at least will be written in the same style. Me telling my story with a pen and legal pad reminiscing on the last several weeks.
Writings from February 3rd 2020
I’ve been at Shanti Christo for about a week by myself. And then some interesting things occurred that clearly came up for healing since I’ve been here. Michael/Jesus/Yeshua and I had planned to go to Shabbat. but a few days before, without warning, Yeshua had instructions from God to fly in his friend Michelle and have her stay with him and they would both return back to Shanti Christo after 4-5 days. It isn’t pertinent to the details that I explain the in’s and out’s of who Michelle is. But she is someone in the HTBAC Christ Community that is a dear friend of Yeshua’s. I also knew her as well, and the three of of us share the same spiritual understandings.
The first night at Shanti Christo which was Sunday, Jan 26th, being in the high energies there, hit me like a Tsunami. As I sat at the dining room table listening to all the happy faces chirping away about their day, I felt this sudden unbearable sadness within me related to Yeshua leaving the next morning. It was clear that I still hadn’t healed my desire to lean on him. Going a year and a few months back, my entire journey, all I wanted was for him to console me, materialize from light in my bedroom and rub my back as I cried, reassuring me that everything would be okay. Now here he was, physically in front of me, incarnated in a body and it felt like, just when I find him, he was leaving me at Shanti for a week.
Around 11 that night, we went to the car to sit and chat to have some privacy.
In the dark I look down at the engagement ring that Yeshua’s spirit had told me to buy at the beginning of my walk on Christmas. I looked at Yeshua in front of me with tears streaming down my face and told him he had to take the ring off my finger, until I let go of my need to physically be with him. He said, I know when the ring will be put back on your finger, I’ll hold onto it until then. I could feel the week ahead of being alone would be me healing all of it. He held me in his arms and sang to me while he slipped the ring off my finger.
So back to the Christ Trio situation, I can’t deny that something appeared to be a bit peculiar about the situation of Michelle being flown in so suddenly especially from an energy standpoint. Here we were, me and Michael suddenly, reunited in this lifetime and just a few days into integrating that, Michael and Jazz’s lives were purely being used as vessels to continue on the chapter of their lifetimes called Yeshua and Mary Magdalene, and furthermore, those chapters fused together as one path, and one love of God to be shared with the rest of the world. And all of that was discovered between us as of….I don’t know yesterday? What it felt like was just a few days into that shift, poof, let’s bring Michelle into that energy too? It felt like that overloaded hot to touch feeling that a computer must feel when its working too hard.
For Yeshua and I since meeting in body mid January, our intentions and focus had been on complete Holy Communion, in other words a mutually shared oneness with God, through all forms, through everyone and everything. Although I felt a bit unnerved at the timing of it all, I was truly was radiating embracing Yeshua and Michelle being together in a loving and intimate way through Holy relationship at our time at Shanti. Pure freedom including Sexual oneness, that part by itself, was an essential ingredient to our union. To me, I was supporting what I believed Yeshua wanted, what he had made clear to me that he wanted at the time.
I should mention that we knew, Yeshua and I that there was another element to the healing that would take place in our time apart from each other. There would be someone, a man, an opportunity for healing to take place between that man and myself. The vision was vague, but that much we knew.
In the time apart from Yeshua it took a few days for me to realize that I was getting my own experience of a Holy relationship in the truest sense. The man, Ken, embraced me with such welcome, such love and support during my alone days on the sacred land of Shanti Christo. I’d come out to have coffee, chat for a while, and take long hours by the fireplace in silence, or sleeping, or spending time outside on specific area of the land; what everyone refers to as The cross.
Ken was there to share his story, and to listen to mine. He was married, and had been for quite some time. His story as he shared poured love, and also a deep desire to let his unhealed parts be seen. The part of Ken’s story that was mine to tell, was that he was there to show me something, and I was there to just be love and to love him as God. As we sat by the fireplace one night, I realized that there would be healing happening between us, for he was the man that Yeshua and I had seen a few days before in our vision. And that healing would be through making love some way some how. I let it go, and knew that it was God’s show. So if that was to happen, it would land in my lap.
The next morning it did.
Thursday morning, the energies of God had been surging through my body all morning that morning. Ken asked me to come hold him for a while, and as we laid there together in his bed, the presence of God surrounded us. My eyes gazed at him but it was God using my eyes to gaze back at him. My body moved to caress him, but it was God using my body to be a pure vessel for love. After that morning, in a deeper way, I had embodied a Holy relationship, and I had also developed a radar to sense anything that wasn’t one.
So a few days ago, Michelle and Yeshua arrive to Shanti, and I truly could feel so many loving moments that they expressed towards each other. My heart would sing, and open up, and feel everything shared between them, the way I had shared such moments with Ken just a few days before. But I also sensed something else, a different energy coming from Yeshua that wasn’t quite as pure intended. Over the last few days after Shabbat, Yeshua would wrap his arms around me, kiss me, laugh with me, tickle me, and then almost immediately after, turn to Michelle to show her physical affection, but it appeared to be mostly out of a place of guilt, and of fear.
When he proposed to me it was Feb 1, a few days ago, the morning after Shabbat. After he proposed, he then he turned to Michelle to include her in on the proposal. I even did too, I grabbed her hand. But afterwards, I could feel it once again, on both of our moves, it was coming from guilt. I thought to myself again, what is going on with him, and more importantly, with me?
When one of my moments of healing slammed into my face so hardcore, it was when Yeshua announced that he was again going back to Albuquerque, but he was going back with Michelle for a few days and Michelle would stay with him at his house. So in the middle of the night I laid there in the kitchen, needing space at that point, feeling feelings that didn’t feel in that moment that they were all mine to heal.
I realized that I had put myself in a situation of using Holy Relationship as an excuse to not have boundaries when it came to my Relationship with Yeshua. I also saw similar situations from my past. As the woman, I’d say okay to doing certain things, or going along with certain situations within my relationship because I didn’t want to disappoint my boyfriend at the time. I then realized that Yeshua was also using a Holy Relationship for this loose idea that within a Holy relationship anything goes and furthermore anything should go. And that isn’t what a Holy relationship is at all. I now had such a clear understanding of what it felt like, and deep down he knew what I knew.
A Holy Relationship is Love.
The love of God expressed through any which way that is necessary at that time. For Ken and I, it was one time of intimacy that provided such healing. It didn’t come from obligation, guilt, or fear of hurting someones feelings. It was pure intended. It was pure God.
Also, more clearly than ever, it came into my awareness that a Holy relationship has nothing to do with the shared activities, and making a shared life with one, one that you have to extend to every other being. The way each Holy Relationship would express itself would be unique. Sex may be a part of it…or not. Physical attraction may be a part of it… or not. It has nothing to do with with the shared special love between two human beings. A Holy relationship is the shared love of God, through each and every being that we are in relationship to.
So I laid there and watched the clock roll by to 1am, 2 am and I came to such clear mindedness about the whole thing. I love Yeshua as God, and I also love him in a very special way, as my person, as my fiance and that’s OKAY, I don’t have to share that. I realized that of course its okay to share special things between just me and Yeshua. Yeshua was hanging on to trying to love Michelle in a romantic way, because he knew that that was what she wanted and he didn’t want to hurt her. As we talked more, we saw more clearly how that scenario was an ongoing pattern for him in his life, of not being able to be forthcoming about his true feelings and leading down a path with someone because of fear of letting them down. He was hiding this situation behind the concept of a Holy Relationship without even realizing it. The time with the two of us at Shanti Christo had also brought much of Michelle’s past unhealed relationship situations on the surface for her to mend within her heart as well. But the details of that would be her story to tell. Although the timing of it all seemed so peculiar, it makes complete sense that all of this collided when it did, as we enter into a new commitment of engagement and marriage in our Holy and human lives.
I continued to lay there on the kitchen floor and everything left, all the sadness and all of the guilt I had been carrying about not wanting to share my human relationship left. Yeshua came in eventually to lay next to me and I poured my heart out to him about how I was feeling. I asked him to have courage and to tell her the truth about how he really feels. I cried, he cried, we both cried. I expressed to him about feeling we’d been dumped so quickly into the next phase of our lives, and we didn’t have any time as a couple to really process any of it.
We held each other for the rest of the night, and we eventually made it back into the main room that we’d been sleeping in before. We woke up the next morning to an even deeper level of understanding between each other and we were both ready for another round of being apart so that we could continue loving ourselves back into wholeness.
I’ll see him in a little less than a week when he returns to Shanti.