A Walk in Miracles: Jasmine’s Story

This is for you who perhaps have picked up the blog within the last few days or weeks.

There was an ordinary woman. A woman that had a hard life, and at almost 33, she came to God with a sincere desire to want to know God. That desire sparked a very sudden, intense journey of complete human surrender over a course of 18 months. She couldn’t hear as clearly at first, but with each yes she gave to the voice of God, the instructions came in clearer and clearer to surrender to what she was hearing. God would ask her to give up things in her life. Every time she said yes to surrendering whatever it was that God asked, she started to notice a feeling. An inner overwhelming blanket of love that she’d never felt before. It was a love that she knew everyone should be invited to know in their lives. She knew that her purpose in life had to do with sharing this love, but she wasn’t told very much about details until months went by. Eventually she was asked to give up bigger things. Her income, all of it. Her car. Her family. Her City, and lastly her home and to become homeless. As she endured homelessness she was filled with the knowledge of why homelessness was a part of her story. God said, “To fully know the love of God, what you’ve longed for, you must give up everything of this world in order to know that love. For the love of God isn’t of this world, and God can’t get in, if you’re fixated on false love elsewhere.” She was shortly told after homelessness that come the new year, she would start walking from California, and head East with nothing but a backpack. On New Years Eve, she started the walk of route 66 from Santa Monica and walked and walked 20-40 miles a day. As her thoughts wandered alone in the desert, she knew what she was here to do, but she thought she’d be alone on her mission. During her journey, she was told to write and record her pain, her sharings and discoveries, not so much so that she would be heard, but more for her own emotional outlet and for her own acceptance of the journey that she was on. She was only told that she was the Bride of Christ 2000 years ago, and she was here to aid the Feminine Christ in awakening in the world. She was never told that Jesus/Yeshua would be with her in this lifetime. She didn’t know, until about a month ago. She will begin walking again after Easter. She has been in the desert, on Holy land spending time much in solitude. Yeshua and Mary Magdalene were married on the land on February 14th 2020. But Yeshua’s and Mary’s transformation is not over. She knows she is walking into a world that will largely not accept her. She isn’t here to be special or gain fame. She is here to just be love. She sees her human self as a body that has become a symbol of Gods love. Love that she would like to share with you and have you come to know through her, until all of you realize her body was never needed to show you the way to what you already are. She awaits her and Yeshua’s resurrection on Easter. Through her patience, through her love of God, he and she will awaken the Christ. The Divine Masculine and Feminine will become one in God’s timing. And then…..they will walk, together as one. To the Feminine Christ birthing within all of you. This is for you. For those that have eyes to see, and ears to hear… I love you all, so much.

A Walk in Miracles: All the People, All God.

As I continued my walking journey passing through Barstow, I shoot a text to my friend Michael.

I keep seeing this grandma like character take me in and totally take care of me. Feeding me homemade soup and giving me a place to stay for the night. It was so real and vivid.

As I go even further walking the next day, I hit a town called Newberry Springs. So another no one in sight type of stop in the Mojave, population 3000. My legs and shoulders were doing their, Hey I don’t wanna go any further, song and dance. The sun was just about ready to set at 5 pm. It had been miles with no real civilization in sight and I assumed much of the same and to sleep outside still with no sleeping bag.

So, I do what I always do, I ask for a miracle. Surprise me, I say outloud. Make it something I just couldnt’ve guessed as I drag my half dead legs forward for another step. 

And then I saw it from the corner of my eye, it right next to a broken  down old motel sign The Baghdad Cafe.

God: Go ahead Jasmine, and head inside and once inside, ask someone, “do you know of any motels nearby?”

Me: Are you sure you want me to stop, I already know there aren’t any motels nearby.

Yep. go on inside. 

Before I could get inside,I am approached by a woman that looked just like the vision I saw of the grandma the day before. Short, blondish grayish hair, 60’s or 70’s, thin build. She opens the cafe door and ushers me in.

My names Andrea, I’m in charge here, now I saw you just a bit ago out on the road, it’s about to get cold, get on in here. You need food, what can I get ya? 

Me: Oh If I could just sit for a while I just ate.

Her offer didn’t sound like a suggestion, it sounded more like a statement of fact.

It wasn’t long before I had a little 4 year old little angel by the name of Emmy hanging onto my lap.

I love you I love you. She yelps. Her arms outstretched and her twinkly eyes and smile giving me just the medicine I needed for the day. 

As I soaked up the warm heat on blast above my face, We played games on my phone and I gave her a little mini glittery wallet to keep as a gift.

Andrea was a take no nonsense kind a lady and she also had a heart of gold. It was obvious she felt most comfortable taking care of others, and I knew her taking me in that moment away from the freezing night temperatures outside, was nothing short of miracle.

Andrea: I’ts not much, but I’ve got a broken down trailer in the back of here, I’ll ask the night manager Gilbert for an extra blanket, that way you aren’t on the cold ground for the night.

She introduced me to Gilbert, A kind, older gentleman that had such a gentle essence to him. I knew I was in safe company.

Gilbert: Oh sure yeah I’ve got a sleeping bag for ya.

As the evening went on, Andrea and the rest of the crew left for the day, but not before pulling me aside, and telling how worried she was me being out here all alone, and sliding me 30 dollars.  Bless her heart.

It was just me, Gilbert and the restaurant.

Gilbert: Now I’m not a weirdo or anything like that so you don’t have to worry I’ll leave you be, but I have an extra couch bed set up in my trailer, it’ll be much warmer and comfier rather than sleeping in that broken down trailer. I’d like to offer it to you.

I wasn’t about to say no.

As we wound down for bed, Gilbert told me a little history about the place along with Andre. This was where the Baghdad Cafe was filmed. This place is world famous, and We get visitors from all over the world but the winter is the slow season. We all aren’t all related here but its like one big family here.

Me: Andrea is just so kind.

And, as if an unseen force planted the words in his mouth.

Gilbert: Yeah, everybody actually has a nickname for Andrea. They call her Grandma.

Grandma, I thought. The woman from my vision the day before. There it is.

As I laid in bed, I could feel the high energies of God surge around and through my body as they always did whenever a miracle like this would happen. Each time something out of this world, something that made no logically sense from a human perspective would take place, like this, it undid my investment, my beliefs in this world just a little bit more. What I mean by that is what just happened, me ending up at this Cafe at sunset and taking in by a bunch of strangers, defied the laws of space/time. If this was possible, once again, it opened up my awareness just a crack more, that anything was.

Throughout the night I could feel the starts of a chest cold coming in. The kind where when you cough you lungs burn, making it hard to cough anything up from the tightness.

The next morning I went on my way,  but not before grabbing a Baghdad Cafe  T-shirt that I planned to rock for the rest of my journey and snapping some photos. You’re my man Gilbert, you’re an Angel.

Part 2

As I set foot towards Ludlow. I knew I was entering about 30 miles of really nothing in sight. I could feel the shakiness from my body being busy working on tackling my new cold. A dripping nose in the middle of a Mojave mini sandstorm, isn’t fun incase you were wondering.

Me: I don’t know God, I’m not feeling too confident about today’s journey. About 15 miles in and I’d been out for a while, meaning I was going slowwwww.  I’d had it. tears, talking to God and a lot of breaks. 

Me: Okay I’ll make it to that 3rd pole up ahead, and then I’ll stretch.

God: Once you get to Ludlow, rest for two nights there.

I wasn’t about to disagree but Ludlow still felt a million years away from where I stood.

I had been counting the cars on the road that I’d seen in the last several hours, about nine. Just me and the Mojave desert, and a sunburn I’d started to rock because I was too exhausted to search for my sunscreen.

Me: Okay God, Needing a miracle. With being sick, give me a green light to catch a ride for the rest of the way to Ludlow as long as its okay with you, I’ll take it.

Not long after I see an army type truck, pass by.

God: They are gonna turn back around.

Sure enough, a quarter mile up the road and they turn back around.

The driver rolls down his window.

Ben: Hey! I’m Ben and this is Timmy. Would you like a pork sandwich? 

Me: Why not!?

I figured they had a rewrapped sandwich that they’d hand me and go on their way. Well not exactly.

Ben pulls over and starts unloading full camp gear. 

Ben: We just got back from camping for two days. You sit in this chair and we’ll set it all up.

Chairs, a table, and a skillet filled with pork later, we were in the middle of the Mojave, the three of us, enjoying a full feast.

Timmy was a bit quieter than Ben. Ben was originally from NC but lived in Monrovia. Married, and a father to 3, the youngest being in high school. Every minute, he’d have his hand out offering me something.

Here’s some chips, have some Oreos, take these waters and bananas for the road. 

I knew it was half because these wonderful men I’d met along the way just couldn’t wrap their minds around a 33 years old woman staying alive and safe while walking 3000 miles to the other side of the country alone. But these random acts of extending themselves to me was clearly one thing.

God. 

After some back and forth considering the guys were headed in the opposite direction. Ben offered to take me the remaining 7 miles or so to Ludlow. 

The sun was setting, and I wasn’t about to say no. 

I couldn’t help but imagine a hot bath and snuggling up in a warm bed, for the night.

Ben hands me  the rest of his CBD mints as a parting gift.

Me: You’re angels.

I hug them both and land at the only motel in Ludlow, The Ludlow Motel, Naturally.

I approach a woman at the counter and I wearily inquire about a room. Oh we are all full, there are no keys on the board, that means theres no rooms

I could feel the familiar surge of tears do its best to join me, so I become very still and wait for the next set of instructions.

Me: this is all part of the fun Jazz all part of the fun. what will happen next?

God: Its okay, just go across the street see that diner. Go ahead and sit at the counter and order a coffee.

Yea the Ludlow cafe, okay.

So I do and hop up to the barstool at the counter. and within  minutes I meet the waitress Vanessa, as well as Sean, and Robert.

As it was slow, Vanessa had a text book out on the counter.

Me: whatcha studying?

Vanessa: Oh it’s Criminal Law but this is my last class to get my associates in Science. After this I’m moving to Texas with my boys and I’m thinking about this ultrasound tech program once I get there. With my husband passing away a few years back, theres nothing really keeping me here anymore, I’m ready to start fresh. 

It was amazing how open and willing people are to share their story so quickly from hello. I had experienced that over and over these last 9 days.

Sean overhears us, Hey I saw you on the road earlier, Sean points to me.

I told them a bit about my story, the God part, the walking across the country part. I kept it simple, as I’m usually told to do so far.

Me: Yeah so anyway, the Motel is totally booked, so if its alright I’ll hang here for a while.

Sean: Ya know what, you see that Mechanic shop there, he points across the parking lot. He has a van that someone was using to sleep in, but they left the van. I’m sure he’d let you sleep there for the night

Are you serious?

Totally, let me go talk to him. 

As if they day couldnt get any better…

Vanessa: By the way, your breakfast is on the house.

Robert: And, this cafe closes at 6pm Robert chimed in. But you see that trailer across the street? If you need a bathroom, I run that trailer you are free to use the bathroom at anytime during the night.

I waved them goodbye and head over to the mechanic shop. 

Me: Hi. I’m looking for AL?

Al: Thats me! You wanna sleep in the van, no problem, stay as long as you want! Heres some wet ones if you wanna wipe down, theres a seeping bag, and bed in the van so you should stay pretty warm. Take this flashlight and here’s a couple beers.

wow Cbd and beersfrom different sources in the same day.  Talk about a new kind of miracle. 

As I lay in bed with  more surges of energy again floating through my body. This trip wasn’t about getting from Ca to NJ as fast as I could at all and I’d always known that. It wasn’t about traveling prepared, with all kinds of camping gear etc. It was about being in state of complete vulnerability for the world to embrace me if they chose to. It was about the miracles that would occur. The miracles that would occur through everyone I’d meet along the way.  Ed, Andre, Gilbert, Ben, Vanessa, Al and the rest of them, they shared something in common whether they were aware of it or not. Their hearts were open to the truth of who they are. The truth that theres only one of us here. and, its God. God using our bodies to move us to help the next person in need. 

I look rougher than I felt. Haha

After my beers, I laid down with my tears of gratitude until I passed out. I was back to staring at the ceiling of a car under completely different circumstances. After my day it was just another day of the obvious. That there indeed is only one of us here….and….. it’s God.

God, appearing as many.

A Walk in Miracles: Death Fear Outta’ Here

I started my day 2 days ago in San Bernardino, and walking towards what I thought was the Cajon Pass. Well fifteen miles in the wrong direction, I ended up on 38 going to the mountain pass of Big Bear. But let me tell you, there were Orange Groves, and I played in them, and ate some oranges. It was Marvelous. But I was still pretty Blah by the time I realized I was lost.

My phone had no service, and I decided that I wouldn’t walk another mile in either direction, and what a great time it is to ask for a miracle. I thought.

Alright God, I totally get the meaning of getting lost. The Orange Groves I saw along the way were just breathtaking. But now, I’d like a ride back to where I’m supposed to be. A ride from a persons whose energies will have good intentions for me. Send him my way

As I stand there on the side of the road, with no cell service, I decided it was a great time to rearrange my book bag. Within 2 minutes of my miracle request, A man on a AV go cart type thingy rides up next me.

Hey, you okay, you need a ride somewhere?

His appearance was innocently scruffy, as if he’s been working hard as a mechanic or something all day, and I felt his energy. It was pure, warm, and loving. I looked behind him to see 3-4 kids riding a long with him on Av’s.

Ed: I’m taking the kids riding for a bit, and I’ll be back in 30 if you want to get some rest in my truck right there, its open.

Ayo on that timing God.

As Me and Ed get chatting on the way to the Cajon pass, it turned out he worked at a Unitarian Church.

How perfect a miracle indeed.

We stop at the Mcdonalds. by the 15 at the Cajon pass, going to Victorville.

I don’t know how to get you to rte 66 over here because its so rundown and broken up on this side.

Are you sure you don’t want a ride over the Cajon pass?

I heard Gods instructions, they were clear.

No, thats okay, thank you. The human part of me feeling like I was kicking myself in the nuts by passing up a 20 mile ride to my destination.

I buy him an ice cream cone to say thank you.

Here Ed, this is for you.

He smiles and takes a big slurp and gives me a big bear hug. The ice cream cone hanging onto his beard.

Jazz, your story, and what you’re doing, it had an impact on me, It gave me hope that there are still good people out there, thank you.

I felt the warmth from that and gave him one last hug. It was clear that getting lost for fifteen miles, was all to meet this man. I set out for more mystery feeling the tests weren’t over for the day.

As I approach the 15, looking for a street to possibly pararell the 15 to Victorville, I see nothing but the 15 at the Cajon Pass.

Go on, start walking on the freeway. Your destination is Victorville.

But its illegal to walk on the freeway. I’m sure of it, are you SURE about this, is this ego talking? I could die ya know.

No, just walk on the freeway till further notice.

I look up at the sky. 4pm, one hourish before sunset. I had become very familiar with the dance of the sun through out the day being outside all day.

What if someone has a gun? What if they drag me in the car?

All natural human fears that most people would have walking along a freeway especially as a female.

I land on the freeway and feel the fear. Heavy heavy fear. I see visions of person after person, stopping on the road to ask if I’m okay. And many people stop to see if I’m okay in realtime, and I politely wave them off.

You can ask for a ride now.

Wait what? I thought I’m to walk and not get rides?

Oh its more about what will happen on this trip not so much about whether you walk the whole way.

The next person that stops, you can say yes to getting a ride.

The information I had just heard to say yes to a ride in that moment, didn’t feel quite right. It felt more like a thought, rather than info from God. But when your body is sore, and you’re on your 25th mile of walking for the day, I without realizing it, just assumed it was correct information when it was really EGO, trying to trick me.

Within a minute someone else pulls over.

I could feel his surges of energy in my body as he rolled down his window. His energy was not evil or anything like that, but it wasn’t like Ed’s, it didn’t feel like energy I’d want to get into a car with.

And yet I’d just heard, the next person that pulls over, say yes to a ride? Well, he’s the next person. So now, I was confused. I figured if it was wrong information and I shouldn’t go with him, I’d get a sign, to not get in the car.

Hey you need a ride?

I stutter, to Victorville only if you are going that way.

I said it half confused, cause it just seemed like something was off.

He gives me a sneaky smile like we shared some secret together or something.

Oh, you looking to make some quick cash?

You want to take care of this for me?

He proceeds to unbuckle his pants,

My hearts racing now, the sun is just about set.

I wave him off and profusely shake my head.

NO No NO NO. I’m good!

He speeds off in a hurry, and I feel the wave of the fear of my worst case scenario leave me.

That’s exactly it, this whole thing was a fear I had played in my mind a million times before stepping out on this journey. Being accosted by someone in a deserted area with no help in sight. Or, being hit on the freeway.

I realized I had just healed one of my largest fears being out here. I immediately felt the surge of energy that had been tied up, zoom out of me.

Another thing Jasmine. The ego you made is here to test your devotion to me. That advice to hop into the next car that pulled over was NOT God.

You’ll always know by the way you FEEL. You can feel in the advice of the peace of God even if its something that you as a human don’t want to do, you can FEEL that is the right thing to do by the amount of peace you FEEL. Always listen to the feeling first behind the words.

Within 10 minutes, highway patrol is pulled up next to me.

I found myself in a cop car for the first time, kinda like a little kid on a trip to the Please Touch Museum. cool!

I wasn’t in trouble, he was just getting me off the freeway.

There is a road that runs parallel to the freeway called Mariposa and it goes all the way to Victorville. I’ll take you to that road.

I’m not sure how many miles it had been by the time I was done, but it was 9pm by the time I had a room, and I assumed that the next day would be an easy 20 mile day with a hotel room at the end of the day.

I was very very wrong.

The next set of death tests were presented the next day. All stuff needing to be healed once again.

I woke up, check my account baclance $50 or $60 dollars, I knew that I needed to eat, and after Victorville anyway, there may not be hotels for a while.

I start my walk very cheerful, passing church after church, and feeling ready for the day as the sun rises up between the mountains.

10 hours later around 5pm, there was nobody. I was in a town called Hodge, population 1,100 30 miles from where I had started in the morning in Victorville.

I’m just surprised. I’m suprised that after getting lost yesterday, the freeway, a 40 mile plus walk that this would be the next day.

I start to cry, more like sob.

Yeshua/Jesus, I need you, Judas I need you to help me.

More tears, more sobs.

Yeshua and Judas in consensus reply back. This is the part Jasmine, that you must do on your own. We are here. You don’t need anything outside of you to realize God. You are it. You are your own help.

It was loving, but very firm.

I just feel like my whole life I’ve had to be the tough one, the one to be in charge and take care of all of it and everyone. I just thought that after Peru being so challenging I would get this grande finale experience of something that sounded like: let me take a load off you, put your feet up boo. I thought I’d healed most of my shit. I guess not.

So, I ask in that moment for another miracle. Here’s how I worded it.

Send me someone or something to let me know at least that even though you cant help me, send me comfort.

2 minutes later in the dark a young man not looking like he belonged to a town of 1000 pulls his jeep over.

You lost you okay, you need a ride?

No I’m okay thank you. Knowing I was supposed to walk.

Well hey, take a bottle of water.

I perk up a bit as her reaches behind him for the water. He hands it to me and I look up to see what hes wearing.

A Philadelphia Eagles hat and jersey all decked out in party beads. I look down at my Philly Drexel U sweater

He I’m from Philly, what are the odds, theres no one out here! where you’d come from?

We laugh, and he goes on his way.

In truth, I knew exactly where’d come from. I’d been sent a little comforter, a little miracle to help soothe me.

By 6:30, I couldn’t walk anymore. My body was locking up from the cold and I could feel the aches and pains from all the lactic acid build up. there seemed to be about one house every quarter mile.

If I pick a desolate area to sleep where you cant see me from the road, then no one will bother me. I thought.

I get the confirmation from God that that’s okay and I go off to the side and down a bit so that if you were driving by you couldn’t really see unless I stood up.

I found 3 large tumble weeds creating a perfect triangle for me to sleep between. I throw on all my layers, gloves face mask and socks, and find my emergency sleeping bag which is a sheet of metalic paper. I lay down on the cold rocky ground, sweeping as many pebbles away as I could, still crying but feeling a little more comforted. I look up.

The sky caught my sobs dead in my tracks. The moon and stars was illuminating the tumble weeds around me like a night light. I lean my head up to look around, beyond my bushes just wide open space and the open sky.

I lay there with an aluminum sheet wrapped around me pretending to be an emergency sleeping back, with moments of talking, moments of feeling afraid that I was all alone in the dark, and other moments of maybe falling asleep. I feel the presence of God all around me and through me. One of those nights were you say, “Oh I didn’t sleep at all.” Because it felt like it but most likely you weren’t lying there for eight hours straight. I was often woken up by the train passing by, and someones roosters, that yelled all night.

Cock a dooddle doooooo!

Around 1 am, I had to pee. that was the worst. Trying to readjust my body back into warmth after getting out of my cocoon. I felt my clothing, my sweater and socks were pretty wet. I guessed it was from the condensation of sleeping in aluminum foil all night.

I was all cried out by the time I fell asleep, and I woke up to the crack of light hitting the sky.

It’s morning? I’m still alive? I made it? It’s really morning?

I reach over for my water bottle. Frozen.

I grab the front of my book bag and my shoes and a layer of frost were on both. I take my had out of my glove just for a few minutes and I could feel the pain and redness start from the cold.

Another fear of mine had been sleeping outside, especially in the cold. Despite my exhaustion, once again I feel the surge of energy that was tied up from the fear come back. My body had nothing left, but my mind was healed from the fear. And now I felt that it was time for Jasmine to whine some about what to do next.

Its now 6:30 am. With still no money and miles away from the next stop, Barstow. I was hungry, my back was sore from my backpack and I was still very sleepy. I also heard no further instructions other than, get to Barstow. Considering I didn’t have any money, my guess was I’d be walking till I dropped again and sleeping outside for round two.

I feel like I healed that fear, but if I gotta do it again, I will.

I trudged along, less tears, but with a lot of breaks. The sun seemed cooler to me than it had in the preceding days and I realized it was because I was elevated by 2000 feet.

Along my arrival to Barstow, I walk another 7 miles to the area where the hotels are. God says to check my paypal before moving through the area with hotels. I do and my dear friend Michael from my zoom group How To Become A Christ, had sent me money for a hotel and I didn’t even realize it. And it was a good thing that I hadn’t checked, because it would’ve changed my ability to heal what I needed to heal, plus there weren’t any hotels near me the day before to walk to.

I laugh. What a show!

Death is simply not possible.

I realized that I truly was willing to die for this journey, for coming home to God, in full knowing that life is eternal. And in order to let God in fully, living those words was a requirement on this journey. I realized each step I took physically, I took a step mentally too. I knew I hadn’t healed the death death completely, but it was a start.

All of this death fear stuff was covering my awareness of the Kingdom of Heaven. It simply isn’t of this world. And I came here, to walk this walk from east to west, to let go of all of the beliefs that were no longer me.

It’s the purpose of this lifetime of mine, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I am fully Human, becoming aware to the truth that I am also fully God.

Will there be more tears? Yes says my humanness, and God also says, Yes! Embrace the tears, love them! Love all of it, for I am all of it!

And Jasmine says, bring it on, all of it.

All of the tests, all of the challenges, all of the opportunities to meet dead in the face all of the blocks that I have up to the awareness of God, to the awareness of Love.

Let’s clean house.

Bring it On Baby,

Oh and God, I’d like to negotiate a real sleeping bag though if I have to sleep outside again.

A Walk in Miracles: Launch Day

Wow. Time flies when your’e having fun. Or surprisingly it also flies when you are walking in the Valley endlessly day after day. After a very long 3 week interval after Peru of missing my kids, watching the Holidays pass by and feeling empty of all of my family routines and comforts, I was so happy for Dec 31 to arrive.

The night before me and Sabryna lie in bed and I could hardly sleep. I woke wake up and feel and hear ‘my team’ all around me. My team of God in various forms. Jesus, The Buddha, Mother Mary, and Arch Angel Michael. I could feel the hot vibrations of energetic upliftments pouring through every space and cell in my body as I lay there falling into the arms of the nonphysical. When the team works on me, it has become my favorite comfort during the day, although they especially do their thing at night.

Sabryna creaked her head my way in her blacked out bedroom.

I heard God whispering about you all night.

I know, they were working on me, preparing me.

Gosh her God listening skills had quadrupled in just a few short months. I couldn’t help but feel like a proud Momma.

The following day, I said my Goodbyes as we arrived at Olympic and Lincoln, the start of route 66. As I hugged Sabryna through her sobs, we both knew the world was about to become a very different place in a very short amount of time. We both knew how different everything would be once we saw each other again.

I step foot on the path just as the sun was setting on New Years Eve. For the first time, I felt a little nervous. It was the same feeling I felt when I drove in the middle of the night with a trailer hitched with my 3 kids in the back of my SUV, from Blackwood, Nj to California six years ago. The mystery in all of the unknowns of the new path that lay before me. There’s a natural nervous nelly feeling that develops under the skin, or at least my skin.

Route 66 was hard to get a hold of at the start of it in Santa Monica, so I just decided to start walking down Olympic and plug a route 66 address that would be several miles ahead. Then, and only then after I started walking did the Godvice instructions start.

Take breaks when you need to, but this first night, you will walk to Glendora.

I carefully popped into Mapquest the whereabouts to where Glendora was located. 40 miles from where I stood. My nerves disappeared in that moment, because at least I had my next set of instructions. Sure hard to walk continuously for almost 24 hours but, I knew me and I knew what the number 40 represented. For me, this was my 40 days and 40 nights, except mine was a 6-8 month walk across the country instead of a month in the desert, (although, I’d be hitting some desert of my own soon.)

Midnight came, as I arrived at some sketchy areas past Wilshire blvd.

This is it, Oh my Jazz, it is really here. 2020. Happy New Year.

Anytime I saw well lit front steps of a Church, I stopped to sit my sore butt cheeks down on the freezing cement. I was well aware how cold it could’ve been during the day and it’d been 70’s ever since I started, but with night time, it was now cold. Each time I stopped it was bitter suite. I’d feel the lactic acid build up finally catch up on my sore calves and quads. I was hurtin’ in places I didn’t know you could hurt, like my shins?

As the hours passed 1, 2, and finally 3am, I trudged along and I made the mistake of checking my cellphone to see how far. Except I checked too many times. The last 15 miles or so, were the hardest. Around 4 am, my teeth were chattering, and tears streamed down my face as I slowly staggered along Huntington Blvd.

God, I just need 30 minutes, an hour, I’m just so cold, I can’t walk anymore. I was in some bedroom community in the beginning of the Valley, not a single soul in sight. I came across a little dog park, on the backside of someone’s house, with a ledge that I thought might make me invisible underneath it if I scrunched down small enough in fetal position.

As I lay there, making my coat a pillow and hugging myself for warmth, I was not anywhere near sleep. I kept flashing to see visions of Jesus/Yeshua, standing there, half dead in the desert, thirsty, and tired but determined to rid himself of what did not serve his future journey. Somehow I thought my journey would be easier, and in some ways it was. Perfect time for some light conversation when you’re freezing, tired, and can’t move for a little while.

Hey Yeshua.

Yep.

So lets compare our journey’s.

Oh,here we go.

So to share my message so blatantly in your world 2000 years ago would’ve been something you would’ve been killed for?

Well, I WAS killed remember?

Yes exactly my point. and now in 2020, I can at least speak freely, so your journey was harder than mine in that regard. You couldn’t be as forthcoming about your truth as I can now.

Yes but Jasmine, yours is more difficult in this way. Conditioning is much more potent at this time in the world. It wasn’t completely unordinary to do what I did 2000 years ago. To give up all of my possessions and follow the word of God and wander for 40 days. But in 2020, for a 33 year old woman to give up her ‘everything’ to follow the word of God and walk across the country is what people in todays world just don’t do. And it has to do with the sludge of attachments and thought systems, relationships, jobs, cars, houses, religion, status symbols (especially motherhood) etc that cover up the realization that the awareness of the truth of Heaven within the human being is to be still be awakened under the layers. Many in your day do not hear God speak to them, so someone who claims such a dramatic trek all on hearing the word of God, well it’s a foreign concept for most. So when it comes to level of difficulty, you could say it all evens out. The world is constantly evolving upwards and yet with that comes staggering conflicts and a birth of a new set of conflicts along with it. Our journeys were equally as challenging based on the time in which the journeys took place my love.

My love.

I look down at the wedding ring on my hand that Yeshua told me to buy a day before leaving.

He said that day. It’s a symbol for you to look down at whenever you feel lonely, or like you’ve lost your way on your journey. He said. I give you this ring as a symbol of your commitment to your path and yourself. It is also a symbol of how much I love you and am with you every step of the way.

I hug my coat tighter. Well I’m not even sure why I asked to compare our journeys right now, I should’ve asked for some words of comfort.

45 minutes later, with tears still streaming down my face I pick my heavy noggin’ up.

Well sleeping isn’t working out too well, I guess I should get up now?

Yeah, that’s a good idea.

I stand up, and stagger on like the only survivor of a hard won war. Hours pass, And as the sun begins to rise between the mountains, I hit a little horse community called ‘Arcadia.’ It was like a scene from any movie. The purple and pink hues peaking through the leaves. Just me, the mountains, the birds and my very sore feet.

Feet. Damn you feet! Nice try. I got your number ego.

The ego’s tempts to distract me into suffering with bodily aches and pains.

It reminded me of Lesson 199 in the Course, I am not the body, I am free.

Oh ego, your temple is the body. duh!

The moment The aches and pains start, my mind chatter starts along with it and sounds something like.

Take a break.

You’ll never get there.

You’ll freeze.

You’ll hurt something.

In the last 24 hours, when I bought the bait and focused on the body, for a glimpse I’d forget what all this is for.

I am not a body. I am free. I hear the Voice that God has given me, and it is only this my mind obeys.ACIM W-199

It’s now day 4 as I write this, (oh and I did make it to Glendora in one piece). I’ve continued to walk and stopped in San Bernardino for the day today.

There is something about that first night and how this all started. The challenges ahead will be there, but I can see the beginning stages of this journey are truly a continuation of the challenges within me.

The Kingdom of Heaven is within, and it is an inner battle to realize this truth, until it isn’t anymore. A part of me can’t wait till the battle is over, and there is no more struggle. And yet the larger part of me is deeply enjoying the ‘humaness’ of this whole process that I’m going through. The talking to God like God’s my buddy rather than me, sometimes I even enjoy whining to God I think. Overall, walking those 40 miles that first day and night, set the tone for what’s possible.

Anything.

I’m now mid into day 4 resting in San Bernadino with a start time of 530 am tomorrow morning.

I imagine walking through the El Cajon jct is going to be an ‘interesting’ time.

You get the desert Yeshua and I’ll take the mountains and the desert. Team work.

Sacred Valley Peru: Let there be Light.

This is a continuation of my previous blog post, that may make more sense to read before reading this one.

Final Ayhuasca Ceremony: Part 2

Now that I accepted the fate that lie before me, I felt a new whoosh of free space enter my mind. The story gets much lighter from here. In fact it becomes only light.

In the darkness, I now for the first time ask for help and yell from a voice I didn’t recognize.

JESUSSSSS.

He entered my energy wrapping his essence around my own. For the first time I was able to have a moment in this process to be the one being taken care of, or at least, it felt like the first time. I slumped over on my cot, my body conformed halfway in fetal position and halfway kneeling, and let him speak. With no words. From mind to mind, he runs through all of the scenes of everything that had happened over the last year, to give me his own, very personal, heart to heart validation. Like a checklist. Validation that was as sure as sure could be, but receiving the validation was overwhelming for my human body.

Finally it was time for him to silently nod and confirm as if I didn’t already know, my consciousness being of Mary Magdalene, his wife, and me being the responsible initiator for setting Yeshua’s original message straight.

Sobs so loud escaped me. Oh my God. It’s me, I have such a huge responsibility, Oh my God. I was immediately brought back to the same emotions that I thought I had mended on Aug 24 the night I found out about my responsibility of the Second Coming, but they were still there.

In receipt of the the news all over again, I allow for my body weaken, to crumble back onto the cot and I physically surrender to what was coming next, for at this point, I had figured out what the Grand Finale would be.

Yeshua continues.

Are you ready to meet God fully Jasmine?

Are you ready, to become God fully Jasmine?

I’m ready.

I lay back and immediately my soul exits my body, suspended well into the air. In the physical and emotional surrender, I see life, all of life, variations of my own life, on a panoramic screen with no beginning and end. The feel was encapsulated with much so with a soft, flowy, feminine energy. There were those same old timey’ Mickey Mouse movie clips flashing by again, but instead of one, there were in an infinite number of screens playing different scenes of my life, past, present and future. It was if these little scenes were collectively all melding and fluidly moving together, as if it made no sense to hone in and only focus in on one screen, or life movie one clip. They were all interwoven. Like a patchwork quilt waving in the wind, like a a flag on a pole outside of your grandma’s house.

Within these little mini movie patches, there were these miniature women dressed in bright colored, native clothing, but they didn’t look like women, they looked like the little dolls from the It’s a small world ride in Disney World. As they held each tapestry of life up on each screen, they sensed my fear.

You don’t need to do a thing but relax into this. The more you surrender, the less fear you bring with you into this experience.

They were so gentle with their words.

I’m not sure how much longer they continued dancing and twirling around, but then I felt my true essence expand outwards like a balloon with no ability to ever pop. The energy of God funneled around my body, and I felt the sensation of a whoosh that felt like the top of my head was missing, as the funnel of energy continued to rain down into my physical system. I felt one by one, my chakras awaken to receive the energy that continued now to expand and fill up the entire room. I had completely become total within the web of God and within the web, all other twenty something bodies in the room that I was experiencing all of this next to, were within this web. I could feel the unconditional pulsating love course through my heart along with a strong chord connecting each pulsating heart to mine in unison. It was clear, that there was only one of us in the room, and just now for the first time, I embodied that one in full.

In other news, back in ceremony, Sam, across from me, the guy that had the darker experience on the first part of the Ayahuasca ceremony, was still having his fits directly across the room.

And then I get a message.

Now you see what it feels like when your body becomes a temple for just me? Now I’m going to walk over there, and put my hands on Sam, if he lets me. All you have to do right now is completely surrender to the plan.

I nod.

Now as the energy funneled and settled closer to my body, my human egoic consciousness was in the background, watching God completely in charge of my body. My egoic consciousness was now in the back seat as I watched God breathe me, and open my body’s eyes for me. God was fully the observer, and had now taken on the role of also being observer and the doer, by my willingness to take the backseat. I could see this fresh, naked awareness now as God stared down at my body, going through each body part as if God was playing with fingers, knees and elbows for the first time. Almost like sticking the soul of a newborn into a 33 year old’s body and asking them to now drive to work. Wow, whats a stick shift? You can hear the Newborn say.

I continue to watch as God becomes acquainted with my body.

Now I’ll take this leg and arm and prop the body up and slowly walk over towards Sam.

It was as if there were two simultaneous viewpoints of perspective. One was mine, the human Jasmine as it pertains to space and time, and the other perspective was God’s. Then there were two screens running at the same time. The high energies of the God of me pulsated throughout the entire room on one screen. But simultaneously to that, I could feel the separated energy surges pulsating through others experiences in the room on the other screen. And with it was this easy, tantalizing temptation, you could call it the ego’s bait, trying desperately to get the higher energies of God to come down and join it in its, slower and lower vibrational energy.

Aha I thought. This is the Ego’s M.O. This is what it means to be tempted by the “devil”, the ego. In every moment you must make a choice to stay with the higher energies of God, because in space and time, all around you, you are surrounded by, not that. You are surrounded by the manifested separation of God.

To act and be as God is a MOMENT to MOMENT continuous CHOICE.

I always knew that but, Dayum. Now I knew it.

Now more messages.

Jasmine, Now we are going to go over and I will quietly ask Jake permission to help Sam.

God stands up my body up, and there were two distinct energetic circular waves, the wave that I described earlier, that expanded outwards towards the entire room. and then about seven feet around my body, a God force that was energetically like nothing I’d felt before. It was as if anything a person touched or spoken to within that seven feet vortex, would energetically turn to Gold, if they were willing to receive the energy of God within their human experience.

I turn to Jake, no nerves, but I could feel the slower, sluggish energy circulate around him and through him. I turn to him and put my arm around his shoulder so strongly feeling his energy that felt so far away from me.

I’m just here to help Sam, God’s here, its okay.

With a look of slight confusement Jake responds back with the same classic response that all of the facilitators had already rattled off to me before.

Please stay with your own experience, and go back to your mat.

As I turn, I immediately heard,

You see Jasmine when God is denied, when they don’t see you for who you are, you respect their free will.

Always-respect-their-free-will.

Over and over this was repeated to the point where I was saying it out loud to anyone who would listen.

We are going back to your cot. All you can do is extend what you are to them, if they deny you, you leave them alone and bless them to have their own experience.

It was all just so gentle. God didn’t feel rejected, or even sad that someone couldn’t see God clearly. There was only an unlimited reserve of care and compassion that came forth from God’s essence.

And Jasmine, this was the final prediction that I gave you remember?

What do you mean?

Well in the first ceremony, I told you to tell Jake thatGod will show up at the end of the week, remember?” Let me guess you weren’t expecting it to mean you!? After all this, you still expected something else outside of you to show up and physically manifest didn’t you? Of course it meant you! Duh

I lay back on my cot, generously almost cracking my head from the force.

Well I guess I was still expecting fireworks on the ceiling and chubby angels sent from the heavens to show up as part of the God experience.

We chuckle together me and God, me with me, God with God, me as God.

Now I knew the how behind the miracles that my body would be a vessel for over the months ahead. The God energy vortex around my body was a complete layer of protection, as long as I chose to stay in the highest God energies, I could easily run through a blazing fire to save someone without a scratch on me, or stop a Tsunami from destroying half of a city without breaking a nail. It all sounded so non casual and super hero-ish, and yet as I rattled it off at the mouth, I could see how none of this was an actually big deal. It was all natural effects to the being the cause. The causality of God would result in the rules of this world to completely disappear. It really was, an after effect to accepting the truth of what I was, which was…. God. God was bound by no-thing and it was NO-BIG-DEAL.

Nothing real can be threatened, nothing unreal exists.

I feel it. I get it. I am it.

Thanks for the manual big G, you know it was all I needed in order to do the dirty work. Just give me the flippin’ manual.

As I was beaming with gratitude, the next morning, I had a moment to love up the Shaman’s in a photo before the group went on our final adventure, Huachuma.

Huachuma’s Happy Ending

All relaxed and rested up from the night before, The next day brought a San Pedro/Huachuma ceremony in the wilderness. I watched the group I was with gleefully trudge along in the tall grass ahead of me I realized that in that exact moment, I had closed in on phase two of my journey.

And what was phase two?

I had won the battle within myself.

The battle of doubt, The battle of uncertainty, and from this elimination of doubt, the sacred feminine became pregnant with the power to give birth to the manifestations of all visions and information that I had become aware of over the last year.

It was time now to go into labor, and give birth. It was time for action. Personally Jasmine’s favorite part. Action, A lot of it.

I look around at the mountains looking too perfect to be real, clenching my phone and welcoming this new shift of phase three with open arms as my deep house music thudded in my eardrums making the whole scene come alive just a tad bit more.

I watched the group that I was with line up to march home in a single file line. I knew in a day, my march back home was a walk towards the beginning of the beginning. 2020 and all of the severe internal and external transitions about to take place.

In the last wee phases of stage two, I had watched my human death and accepted it fully, I had allowed all of God to flow through me fully realizing the infinity of it all. Because I’d come to know that, no one in truth was really dying. I always heard it, but now I knew it.

As I stared out the window on the plane ride home, still integrating all of what happened on that final night. More news came in.

Just like Yeshua, and yet with a different twist, I would die and rise again.

But the twist was, I would get to stay for as long as I chose. And what I chose is to live out the rest of my physical life and have all of my old human dreams come true. I would raise Lucy, I would watch my other kids grow up, and I would grow old with Judas. Not old old, but old enough. I had fully accepted the first alternative, that all of my human dreams would all go away, and be given up, but I was now invited to know the truth of what would actually occur. I would die as a human, resurrect, and but be born as God fully, and STAY!

As warm tears welled up, I’m thinking I’ve got no more fluid in me to shed a tear. They were Thank You tears. Thank you Shaman’s, Thank you Yeshua and Thank you God. And lastly, Thank you human me for my bravery.

Just like I had always read, and just like I was always told.

I gave up nothing, to gain everything.

I was willing to give up all of my human, and the Kingdom of Heaven became mine.

Let go and let God.

Sacred Valley Peru: The Final Darkness

Everything in the following account of last week, actually happened and here I do my absolute best to use words to account for what happened.

When I woke after the second Ayhuasca ceremony, a new streak of calm overcame me. I felt that the Shamans of last night with their ceremony, literally wrapped me up in their knowingness. As they sang their Icaros, it sounded like a lullaby singing, Jasmine, we know why you are here, we are just waiting for you to realize the same thing.

It wasn’t their job to reassure me that they knew, through my own awareness, it was my job to discover that they knew all along.

I sure as hell knew I wasn’t making this shit up for the last year. and I was damn sure that I wasn’t crazy.

The Final Ayhuasca Ceremony Part 1

I went into the third ceremony like a blank slate. I could feel the energy, it felt like, say, grand finale energy. Whatever was going to happen, it was large, but I didn’t care. I thought only a few times of what I had said to Jake the first night: God will show Godself by the end of the week, but I didn’t care because caring led to expecting. I didn’t care because I was physically exhausted from caring. I didn’t care because not caring meant I kept my peace.

What I did spend brief moments pondering, was some of the visions I saw in detail the night before. I still wanted the how to portion to how I could accomplish some of the things I saw.

How will I know the exact moment that I’m supposed to walk into the fire to save that family ? Or what I saw me walking into in the Middle East? What about the Tsunami? How will I know it’s time to insert myself? Will my body feel different? What will be my sign to act, my green light to go into ACTION? Especially in a moment when I’m feeling more human than God? C’mon God, give me the “How To Become God in a Body” manual, as long as I have the manual then ,I’m not afraid. Rather than reading a book, I wanted to be inserviced by God.

Now it was time to go into ceremony.

Okay switching the subject, I should back track and mention, that it was brought to my attention about a month before that my Twin Flame Judas had not only been Judas in a past life the one that betrayed Jesus. His consciousness also represented Lucifer, and almost worse that that, his consciousness also represented Hitler. The Adolf Hitler.

So going in, I knew at some point, things would get very dark during ceremony. I knew because I still fully refused to claim that Hitler piece in full of myself. You see your twin flame is always a projected manifestation on the surface of all of the things you’ve decided were too dark or hard for you to claim as you. So they show up, literally as a face to face opportunity for you to meet the forgotten you, so you can claim it, love all of you, and forgive it.Lifetime after lifetime, I had always played the Angel, the savior. Isis, Athena, Joan of Arc, Mary Magdalene and now Jazz. I was the good guy in the story. and now I had to get ready to meet the “bad guy”.

About 10 minutes into ceremony, the man whose cot was directly in front of mine, started acting very peculiar. In the darkness, he was making strange squeaking sounds, but quickly became very noncompliant to the rest of the staff. He was interrupting the Shamans, asking to go outside, making all kinds of noises etc, and some were even funny at first.

Yep Yep YEP!!

M-A-E-S-T-R-O!!!!

No No No No!

It wasn’t long before the energy in the room went from dark, to very evil.

As I closed my eyes, and the Icaros escaped from the voice of the Shamans, I could feel the power of God come face to face with all of my ego’s manufacturings of darkness. I would get pulled into the nausea of my stomach that desperately wanted to throw up but couldn’t, and the minute I remembered my nauseous stomach, I would get pulled back into the egoic fear still stored in the body. Afterall the body was the ego’s storehouse, it’s temple, it’s God.

As my eyes were closed, I could clearly see every demon I had made within my mind projected out into the room from my consciousness. These projections were literally demons. For the first time, I got the Company of Thieves song lyric we are all our own devil, and we make this world our hell, in a completely new context. I swirled in fear and nausea keeled over the barf bucket until I knew what it was time to do.

I had to become my hidden self. I had to meet the Hitler in me. My mind immediately went to the 1940’s and I could see myself standing there as Hitler himself, slaughtering people with my commands to others who obeyed my every word. I watch each person die, and felt the responsibility of each life pack onto my shoulders like a layer of bricks. I could physically feel the responsibility, and guilt of putting a million people to death in my physical body. I thought I’d die from the guilt, and physical weight of that on my consciousness. But in a thought, I immediately knew first hand that that was what it felt like to live in Judas’ body everyday.

Almost simultaneously to my thought I heard forgive the illusion that you made and then in the next scene, I landed next to Judas on the couch in his living room. Now that I had embraced the Hitler in me, it was time to not fear the Hitler in him. It was time to open my arms and not be afraid of the darkness we had both made so real. I saw his face contort and become demonic. His face changed colors, his eyes became red and his head grew horns.

In the middle of his metamorphosis, God whispered in my ear…..Abortion. As if I’d been told before, I knew the meaning of the word. Judas was carrying the weight of guilt from his girlfriend having an abortion years ago. But he never told me that Tess had had an abortion, and I wasn’t certain that he’d told anyone. The baby that he’d never met was a boy. I saw his face contort into a look of searing pain. The face that was a demon just a moment ago turned to a face filled with sorrow. I turned my body fully in his direction and whispered with my hand on his heart, I know what you went through Judas, you can let it release off your heart now, its okay to set yourself free and let go of the guilt.

I embraced him in my vision knowing that I’d have to when the time is right, tell him in person what I had come to know when I got back from Peru.

Back to reality and back on the cot during ceremony, I landed into safety and purged into the bucket. Purged some more only to find myself now facing a demon much darker than what I had just faced.

Lucifer and Buddhism

Lucifer also of Judas’ consciousness. But the energy of Lucifer wasn’t alone, in this scene he was ran by an organization within the illusion of earth that I knew very well.

The same demonic presence was of Daisaku Ikeda, the President of the Sokka Gakkai International Nicherin Buddhist Organization. His face was now contorting into terrible shades just like Judas’ face in the scene before. I’d already known that he’d taken the power of the Buddha’s message, and used it to build an empire of fame, wealth and power for himself. He used part of the truth, which was appearing to do a bunch of wonderful things for civilians with the underbelly truth of what his real agenda was, which was to keep the people asleep and dependent on the organization. This immediately explained why such a large Buddhist Organization had such a small amount of people that had tapped into an enlightened state. many had become sleepwalkers to the organization thinking they were following a way of empowerment, but rather, aiding an organization in oiling its wheels, propagating the expansion of a religion and yet the programming was so tight that they all had no idea. And yet, Ikeda was merely an illusionary character playing the role of “villain” just like all the others, just like Judas, just like Trump and just like Hitler. Doing his job, so that we can finally, wake up and forgive the world we made with one embrace.

The Devil’s Finale.

I thrash in bed and the energy of Lucifer continues and now it flashes to a new scene, the devil’s grand finale had finally come. I watched from a birds eye view a memory play out, my beautiful Aunt Kathy, sick from fear. When I was little, our love for God bonded us and she was always very special to me. Everyone thought that she was mentally insane, and had been diagnosed with Schizophrenia 23 years ago, but I’d recently come to know that story much differently. In the memory I viewed, she sat rocking back and forth in a chair that she hadn’t moved from in weeks, rolling and cocking her head side to side, Her hair matted to the back of her sweaty head and neck. Spitting and cursing at anyone who came through the door, claiming that Jesus Christ is the Savior and that he was here.

As I watched the vision, now for the first time, I knew what had happened 23 years ago.

Aunt Kathy’s devotion to the Catholic church that she trusted in so dearly, that she dedicated her entire life to, had been the one thing that caused her to become so sick.

The Catholic church was actually ran by hiding energies of The devil, the egoic manifestation of what it means to take the power of God and contort the truth into making people fearful. Thousands of years of fear based programming. Furthermore, through that fear, and that separation from the truth, a nation of people are controlled and kept asleep. Let me rephrase, 2 billion people are controlled and kept asleep. I saw once again that the Bible was a fraud. It took small sections of the truth and wrapped that truth with fear based lies that propagated human unworthiness, needing to be saved, being a sinner, the fear of the antichrist, demonic possession, the apocalypse and of course, judgement day.

The entire world in truth was deathly afraid of God, and the Catholic church was and if anyone was the Antichrist, it was in fact the Catholic church.

It suddenly all clicked.

Back in the room, in that exact moment of realization, the Devil manifest shows up in the temple. I suddenly hear violent shaking from across the room. Over in the far corner, a woman’s body was practically being thrown off her bed from convulsions. She was making noises that weren’t coming from her. It was a complete projection of everything I just saw with my aunt, now in the room for me to unafraid myself of.

Now Sam, the man across from me and this other other woman are loudly acting out, together in demonized unison.

So this is what all those exorcism movies are. Demons are a projection of fear within our minds. There is no Demon or devil only the ingredient of fear that allows a “demon” to be made manifest. But indeed as long as the fear ingredient is present, it LITERALLY manifests.

Wow, this is some heavy illusionary shit, I thought.

I blindly in the darkness, take my final purge and rid myself of all of it. Hitler and the guilt of the killings. Lucifer. Fearing the Catholic church and my life purpose to stand for truth in front of the most powerful organization ever created by man, and lastly all in honor of my poor, innocent, Aunt Kathy.

My Untimely Death

The scene changed once more, I was willing now to face my tragic death in the near future in great detail. I had already seen bits and pieces, and now I knew I had to let the entire scene play out. I watched in horror as detail by detail the scene of my death that I’d already accepted played out before my eyes.

Tears welled and filled up once again both of my eyes as I saw how so much good would happen, I would aid the world in doing the impossible, and yet it would all happen in such a short amount of time. I mourned the inability to spend time with my not yet born daughter Lucy, and missing her grow up. I mourned leaving my sons, Damien, Max and Xander, my little troopers especially Damien, who had been my little guy since I was barely an adult and he was there through the toughest times of my life. My heart felt 1000 pounds at the thought of getting a small window of time to have my happily ever after with my Judas.

I don’t want to give out the details of when my death will occur, where or how but it certainly isn’t inflicted by my own doing. I’m only sharing with you the processes that night that I had to endure as a human being in order to step into this responsibility. One by one I went through the process of surrendering to the darkness that came in that night. All the way down to my human death.

If you are thinking this is heavy stuff well it is, when we believe in a world we made as real, demons, abortions and death all weigh so heavily on us. But the point of all of this, is it is as the ego veil is lifted from your perception and you realize the invalidity of this world, it’s no longer possible for it to cause you suffering. I was sad very sad, but I did not suffer with any of these awarenesses. When you realize the truth, that you were and could never not be anything other than love, the illusions peel off you like forgotten layers that you never realized were covering you to begin with. But in order for me to get to that space, I had to fully embody every creation that I had made without any avoidance.

Once again as I lay in bed, I repeat in my mind, God, your will and mine are one, if this means following your will down to my own death then I am willing to die to show everyone that life is eternal.

Now that I accepted the fate that hung in front of me, I felt a new whoosh of free space enter my mind. The story gets much lighter from here. In fact it becomes only light. But I will let the darkness I faced stand as the first part of this story. Stay tuned for the light, it’s coming, I promise:-)

…..And as I write this, I’m listing to another Company of Theives song that I’ve never heard before. Here are the lyrics.

Across the ocean, under the water
That got in your lungs
There sleeps a demon
It knows exactly what you will become

And it’s watchin’ while you sleep
While you sit and dream
At all the people laughing, pickin’ up the shells
Too concerned with suntans, nobody can tell…

Sacred Valley Peru & Meeting Mother Ayhuasca

Before reading this, It could be helpful to read about Ayhuasca, Icaros and Shamanism, what it is, and it’s purpose. Otherwise, get ready to be lost:-).

Back in March 2019, God brought it to my attention that I would be visiting Peru. At the time, I was instructed to pay for the majority of the trip and flight a long head of time. I didn’t know what I would be walking into financially in the months to come, but I trusted that there must be a reason why I had to pay up front so far in advance.

A day or two later after booking my trip, I was instructed to invite my friend Sabryna over to sit and do a little vision board together.

Me, Sabryna and my sister sit together cutting out dream photos the old school way, with magazines.

I’ve always imaged living in the Jungle in Costa Rica, naked with a farm of fresh grown food and being surrounded by animals and a bag of money delivered by a man in a suit and tie.

Me and my sis crack up in laughter at what Sabryna just said.

Its funny you say that, I’m actually going to Peru to an Ayhuasca retreat at the end of the year. Oh my God, Sabryna, I think it runs through your birthday!

I showed her the dates. Now that’s why I was supposed to invite her over!

She gasps in disbelief.

Oh my God, its a sign, I was told so many times over that I needed to end up going to an Ayhuasca retreat, can I go with you?

Now I knew for sure why I had invited Sabryna over to do a silly vision board.

December 6th 2019, finally arrives and feeling sleepy, but happy to finally be there, we arrive in Sacred Valley Peru. A fourteen hour travel time to get there, 2 planes and a 2 hour long taxi ride to the Andes mountains. I quietly introduce myself to all of my new found spiritual peers for the week, sure I’d be back to my old chipper self by tomorrow but I was feeling wiped.

Everyone was as nice as you would imagine. But I could feel a strange rub developing in me. A feeling that I hadn’t felt full force in maybe a year. Something felt like that was out of my normal element, but I didn’t know what it was. Sabryna graced everyone with her presence and instantly became connected with everyone she met. Literally.

Yes exactly, I’m here for Sabryna and thats it, this trip isn’t about me, its about helping her, I reassured myself that that was why I felt a little out of place.

Later in the day one by one we had to arrive in front of the staff to share what our intentions were for the week, especially for our three Ayhuasca ceremonies.

Well, this is gonna be weird, I thought. But one thing I had learned was I never supposed to lie or sugar coat anything that I was going through.

The 9 person staff gathered round the wooden temple floor eager to meet all of us attendees one by one.

So tell us Jasmine.

Me: Oh you can call me Jazz.

What are your intentions for this week?

I gaze directly at the Shamans, one male, one female, both of which avoided eye contact and I thought that to be a bit strange.

I directed my attention towards the rest of the young staff. Here goes nothing.

I am here because God sent me to be here, that much I know, but I have no specific intentions for this trip other than to follow God’s will. My life as a human being is completely surrendered, there isn’t much personal, human desire in me left. I’m about emptied.

I could feel the constriction as I spoke. The truth, so directly wasn’t always the easiest for me to spit out. I still felt weird.

I could immediately see the waves of confusion overcome the room. Equal parts annoyance, confusion and disbelief swept over the faces of the staff.

I walk out of the temple and say goodbye.

Oh boy what a great start to a GrrRReeaatt week.

You see, it was my understanding that my journey in Cusco would at least be my private journey. I would help Sabryna when she needed me, but that for a week ,I could stay to myself and not share anything about the journey I had been on with the rest of the 16 members of the group. Why? Because I was tired of sharing over the last year, and I really was looking forward to some quiet time.

Going back before that week, being around people who more or less, led normal lives had become increasingly more difficult when it was my time to speak up and make conversation. Normal questions like,

So what do you do for work? What’s your plans after this?

Could no longer be answered in normal human ways or else, it was me telling a lie. I was always on for having to tell the entire truth which was,

My human life revolves around my true essence now, which is God. My will is aligned with the will of God, so I have no plans other than to follow God’s Will now which is to aid the planet in awakening itself. I live in the moment at all times awaiting the next set of instructions on what to say, where to go, and what to do.

Now for seriously, how does that sound to the average human being?

Does it matter how people receive what I tell them? No. But the whole truth was, it still mattered to me.

In the first ceremony by dear Mother Ayhuasca and the rest of the non-physical crew, I was told just how not quiet I would have to become in the next several days.

First Ayhuasca Ceremony

We are all on our mats on the floor, in a beautiful wooden log cabin perched on the side of a mountain and little river. It was 7:30 pm, and the plant medicine Ayhuasca, is blessed by the Shamans and one by one we are called up to receive our cup of Psychedelic tree bark tea.

About 15 minutes later, one by one the people that had taken the medicine start purging. That is what the medicine does, it helps to remove fear based blockages of the mind that have caused physiological and energetic blockages within a persons system over time. The removal happens through the persons willingness to let go which causes the purging and sometimes spending some intimate time on the toilet.

Fun.

Ayhuasca is the most intimate, raw and primal experience one can go through when it comes to using Psychedelics as tool for healing. Eighteen people in a room on the floor throwing up into buckets, and at some point, half of them, running to the bathroom with the runs, where everyone can hear every belch, spit, fart and toilet explosion. I suppose, really got to be suffering in your normal life in order to appreciate the power of Mother Ayhuasca. Just to just show up, takes a next level of transparency and bravery.

Just when I thought maybe the medicine wasn’t working, the Shamans started to sing whats called the Icaros and I could suddenly feel the buzz. I tried to look up in the darkness scoping out each person individually in the room, just taking a peak at their silhouette and it wasn’t long before all of the visions that I’d been seeing over the last eight weeks were flashing before my eyes, now in greater detail.

Visions I’d had yet to share with all of you here.

I was due to leave to go on an on foot trek across the country from West to East. In the vision, I embark along on my pilgrimage on route 66, and I saw the fire that I would run into, it’s a house fire. House or houses, I couldn’t tell. The house is lit up in flames and unrecognizable and one by one I grab children, and a mother out of a fire blazing house until the house was empty and everyone had been rescued and not a scratch was left on my unscathed, burn free body.

In the next vision, I saw the car accident and the human death of Judas play again for maybe the 100th time in my head but now more clearly, I see him lying there, being taken off of life support and I lean over to kiss him with my tears.

Breathe with me Judas, just breathe, I whisper.

With one hand on his head and one on his heart I lay on his chest imitating the sound of the rise and fall of my own lungs. Eventually his rises and falls and he breathes to the rhythm of my breath. In and out we breathe together, and in that moment the physical oneness of our union collides with the nonphysical unity that our souls were always eternally part of. Judas dies and then lives again.

Then, the next vision begins and I see my wedding ceremony for the fifth time in more detail, my custom tailored dress hugging my pregnant baby bump as I walk down the aisle towards Judas and Jesus at the Basilica of Saint Maximin la Saint Baume in the South of France. Walking down the aisle to much more than just a wedding, I knew that I was walking into history being rewritten.

As I laid there, I said yes to every vision I saw as I always had before.

I see. I thought. I get vague visions of what is being asked of me long ahead of time, then I see the vision in more detail, as a final time to CONFIRM that I am indeed agreeing to step into all of this before it physically manifests regardless of whether it comes “true” or not. I look up to the wooden beams of the ceiling and say in my head, I told you the first time. Your will and mine, are one. There is nothing that I won’t do, and nothing that I won’t say…. I am willing to die if that is what it takes, or live, knowing already, the possible play out of my own death.

God replies back with,

See that Guy over there he’s sitting in front of your cot? One of the facilitators, we’ll name him Jake, was quietly sitting right in front of me, seeming to keep his eye on me.

Tell Jake that the Aliens will be showing themselves somehow this week.

Me: Big G, You’re kidding me right now right?

God: You know me better than that, I’m not kidding, go on tell him.

Uhhhhhhhhhh okay.

So I do it. Of course Jake looks at me like I’m the Alien.

(The next ceremony, a woman later reports being taken over by an alien for the majority of the ceremony, I’ll explain that more in the next post.)

Okay, now tell Jake that God will make an appearance by the end of the week. Someway somehow, God is going to show up. Tell him that.

Oh my God I think.

In half sobs I say it to Jake.

God will show God’s self by the end of the week, I’m supposed to tell you.

Jake gives me the same blank stare that he’d given me the first time I had mentioned the Aliens.

Who knew my first night of Ayhuasca would be a series of God playing Simon Says.

Well Fuck me.

God: Oh we aren’t done.

Now, go over to that woman facilitator Fayla. and tell her the following.

I put my arms in front of Fayla, a beautiful Peruvian woman, passionate, and cultured but still training and not as experienced. I say, I understand that this will not make sense to you, but I am going through the process of becoming God in a body.

Okay. She gives me one of those I heard this one before looks, Please go sit down and stay with your own experience. It was clear she didn’t understand….duh.

I continue.

Okay, it’s very important that for what is happening to me, you tell the Shamans what I just told you, so that their powerful Icaros can be attached to this experience of whats happening to me. I just cringed at the thought of how that sounded.

I’ll tell them in the morning she says, I wasn’t getting anywhere with this lady and I’m well aware of I sounded, but God meant business.

I found myself having to go up to her a second time to tell her once again, after several attempts, she reluctantly agreed to tell the Shamans what I had told her.

As I laid back on my cot I was sure I’d now be able to rest some.

Well no. I didn’t rest. God kept up with the instructions.

Tomorrow you have to tell everyone here who you are and what I’ve told you of what’s to come in 2020.

I knew what that meant and I started to cry, there was no doubt that everyone heard my sobs in the dark. I could tell that these were people that heard the word “God” and it would send shivers down their spine, let alone the word “Jesus/Yeshua” or “Christ.” And it was no ones fault. People my age had been so heavily conditioned by thousands of years of a violent message masked with religion and the damage that much of Christianity had done meant words like that posed a threat. Or, they simply weren’t into the whole God thing.

I wailed in disbelief like a nine year old.

SABRYYYYYYNNNNNAAAAA!!!!!!

I have to tell them tomorrow Sabryna, I don’t want to, I loudly sobbed in uncontrollable hiccups, She held my hand tightly as I repeated my self over and over.

She joined me in my tears. It’s Okay, Jazz, you will tell them. It is Okay.

Sabryna, I have to tell them everything. I have to tell them everything. They aren’t going to believe me.

Everything meant everything.

Telling who I was meant that Jasmine was Mary Magdalene and Mary Magdalene was Jasmine. That I was Yeshua’s wife. That part of my Christ process was being put on display deliberately for the 16 of them as a part of their journey back to who they are. That as the Divine Feminine counterpart, it was my responsibility to aid in initiate the Second Coming of the Christ, our own Love Revolution to start in 2020, that will aid in the individualized awakening of the entire planet, starting with all of them. That the Bible was not truth and that Christianity will have no choice but to unravel the full truth that they have been hiding for so long to keep people controlled and in fear. That the Catholic church and all of its hundred of years of damage will crumble. And lastly, the most important thing of all, that God, love is what we are, and that there is nothing to fear but to become aware of who you have always been. That Heaven is here. They are God, I am God, and God is love.

I knew in sharing this, the entire tone of my trip would change, more for me rather than anyone else and I had only been there one day.

One fucking day.

The next morning after crying for the majority of the night and early morning, my eyes were crisp red with tear ducts so puffy I was unrecognizable. I kept sunglasses on for most of the morning.

During group share, the time we had to share our first Ayhuasca experience from the night before, I asked to go last. As I shared, and it became time to say things like GOD, you could feel the fear and confusion rise up in the majority of people’s faces. Just as I expected. I could see the facilitators in complete disbelief like they had been the night before. And when I said Yesuas’s’ wife, and the Second Coming of the Christ, oh boy, you could even further feel the confusion, the fear and disbelief.

However there were a few in the room, just a few whose hearts were listening. And in those few were the Shamans. The female Shaman started to cry, as I reviewed the scene later, I could see it in her face that she believed me, but it was more than that, but I didn’t know what it was just yet that accompanied her belief.

I at least left there feeling relieved to have that much off my chest. But I wanted to dissapear, hide in the cave of my room for most of the trip after, and for a few days I did just that.

I hid.

The Second Ayhuasca Ceremony

But here was Tuesday night and it was now time for the second ceremony. I’m really exhausted, please no more Simon says God, please. I couldn’t bare the thought of having to utter another sentence of something no one would believe. The whole experience was bringing back such painful attempts to include some of of my family members into the process of what was happening to me, but I got shot down by their confusion and disbelief, and my own. That Tuesday, I was feeling so human and so raw, and I was feeling so spent at the beginning of that second ceremony.

I found out later at the end of the second ceremony a woman said that an alien had inhabited her being for quite sometime during the ceremony. It asked her to do strange things like take her socks off, it asked her about wiping her butt after going to the bathroom with toilet paper, and how human beings are so peculiar with their need for such order and structure.

I hadn’t told her about my announcement to Jake, it had been less than 24 hours since I said that to Jake the night before.

Anyway , the second ceremony was lighthearted, just like I had asked. As I laid and listened to Icaros after Icaros sung like a beautiful mashup by both Shamans, my body was dancing around, but I wasn’t the one moving my body. It was God. One limb would sway left to the sound of the Icaros, then a leg, then my tummy would pop up from my cot and round and around my body went. It was so strange to watch my body move without being the one to make my body move. I looked around and I didn’t see this happen to anyone else but me. Eventually my body ended up in the middle of the floor as I went with it. I knew what this moment symbolized.

Thats exactly it, God is breathing me, all I have to do is get myself (my ego) out of the way. God is just giving me a harmless, lighthearted example of the power of doing nothing.

The message of the dancing of my body parts was just this.

Jazz, life is an effortless, organic dance. Allow the flow of God to course through your veins, and watch your life unfold without even trying.

God doesn’t try, God simply is.

Then I got a taste of something I had wanted to be a part of for so long.

Suddenly my vision went from the room, to white Parthenon pillars beyond me. In between the pillars there was a presence that was focused on me and I knew that the presence was me. I could see it with my eyes closed or open. In the darkness, between the pillars, I knew this was to be God communicating with the human me.

Jazz are you ready to completely leave your body and have a taste of what it feels for God to flow through?

Yes, I am ready.

First, its time to purge, go on and grab your bucket.

I continued to do nothing. and Mother Ayhuasca, a beautiful aspect of God that I’d never become aquatinted with until now, did the purging for my body, all I had to do was get my head to the bucket.

Instantly after I felt a familiar feeling, the feeling during a Kundalini experience when my body would feel like it is being painlessly shocked with electricity. Except for the sensations were not just through the center of my body up and down my Chakras, the strong static was pulsating through every cell, every vein and every artery, especially at the top of my head. It was as if the me was the 6-7 feet circumference around my body, and my body below me was being worked on with this same energy sucked in the vortex or eye of this energy. The body was an after thought it was not me. The warm electricity continued to pulse and the feeling was heavenly, I didn’t want it to let up.

I could tell I hadn’t energetically entered into complete oneness or Samadhi just yet. Samadhi is when you become the everything of God, the identity of you dissolves and you leave your body altogether, entering into total awareness. I could tell that by what was happening to me energetically, this was on the road to what Samadhi felt like.

Right after this experience I saw the blurred shadows of the Shamans pass in front of me as I lay there on my cot. They were passing me by like clips on a old Mickey Mouse reel. Their passing by was to validate once again the invalidity of all of this.

And what do I mean by this?

This illusionary existence that we so desperately cling to. I could see as they passed me by, they were dancing along with the poem I had heard in my head.

Life unfolds in the dance.

Watch the flower spiral.

Watch the flower dance towards the sun.

All of Life is the dance.

Just let go.

The Shamans were telling me not to worry, they were reassuring me that they understood what I needed. But it was more than that. They were saying.

We knew you were coming Jazz

We know why you are here Jazz

But you must know it without needing our reassurance.

You must be your own reassurance.

And that was exactly the message I needed to hear. The Shamans were telling me that I had to step into what I knew to be true without a single soul on the outside giving me the confirmation that I secretly longed for. And the world would not catch up until I did this on my own, over and over again.

I left that night thankful, so thankful for them and so thankful of the clarity.

Gracias. Gracias. Gracias.

I slept soundly that night, ready for what the rest of the week would bring.

Unraveling the Grasp of Motherhood

This is obviously the hardest let go I’ve experienced. It’s not a let go that I ever expected to let go of. A lot has happened over the last few weeks. We, the three of us, me, Max and Xander, as you know, have been doing the homeless thing. And honestly, I’ve told you the ups and downs, and it has been fine for me and fine for the twins. But I was always careful to make sure, and watch them. They never complained, and hardly seemed to notice. What they did notice is that for their birthday I only ordered them one Dogman book each instead of two! I wasn’t completely off the hook. As I’ve shared my story, the human me struggled with the universal judgement seen at every corner. People couldn’t believe that I would be homeless with my children. I really did, I, as Jazz, struggled with the judgement.

I realized though, that here is what the real struggle was. A human trying to understand God moves from human understanding. What they really couldn’t believe, was that I was willing to follow God’s will all the way down to being homeless.

It was around three weeks ago, Halloween, where I noticed from every angle I was feeling hardcore judged by many that I spoke to.

The concensus

But how could you? What about the twins?

As a mother, I just don’t understand.

And it hit me. As it always does…..hit me.

This is why we don’t have many mothers even as many woman as men becoming enlightened. Following the full surrender into God. This, among other reasons.

Because most moms put their kids before themselves, and that is seen as noble, as the thing to do. Actually, as the only thing to do.

As moms, we SACRIFICE.

We as moms, sacrifice our spiritual journey as well as our other needs to live up to the job of being THE mom.

And how dare I do this for……myself???

How dare I follow the God of me and the Godvice I was receiving, over what seemed like the welfare of my children?

I was at least comforted to know that that’s where the judgement coming from. But there was something in there, in me, that I still couldn’t get rid of.

I had to sit with the fact that I knew I wasn’t as committed to the God journey as I thought.

How did I know?

I realized it on Halloween night, the kids were happily hanging out on our hotel room floor with millions of pieces of candy surrounding them.

I saw a funny vision that never happened. Yeshua/Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead, and me, Mary Magdalene raising up one of our sons in the middle of the resurrection and saying

Hey Yeshua, can you change his diaper, I’ve got to go to the bathroom.

Sure hon let me finish this whole raising him from the dead thingy, and I’ll be right with ya.

This is why Yeshua, this is why the Buddha, left what they knew to go through their transformation. They left their families, their responsibilities, to become God in a body.

So why was it acceptable for them and not for me? Here’s a big reason. According to societal rule,

They were men and not mothers.

I realized that I had deep rooted guilt. That’s why I was being triggered by other people’s comments. I knew suddenly, deep down that they should be with their father in Florida while I go through the rest of this transformation, but I felt guilty as the mom to let them go. The deep rooted societal conditioning was blocking my vision. I hadn’t let go of motherhood in order to let God in fully. The same way I had let go of everything else, my job, money, Judas, The Buddhist Organization I was affiliated with, friends and family, and my home.

The truth was that I hadn’t fully let go of my attachment to motherhood.

I realized for the first time, that I wasn’t fully committed to the God journey. I’d missed so many meditations, classes and meetings because I had the twins. I’d fit God in around the twins schedules, during school hours. I knew it. But there was deep guilt to admit it.

So I laid up staring at the ceiling, hardly any space in the queen size thanks to my sloppy sleepers next to me. Checked the clock. 2:22 am and right then, I knew what I had to do. I had to fire a message to their dad. Healing my fear, and welcoming the possibility that my kids live with their dad for a while is what was the next step in the emptying process. Knowing that some way some how, the twins would come back to me, but in truth, having no idea when, or what my life would look like when they did come back.

Hey,

For the next few months, I’m going through a major transition with our housing situation. It is going to take some time to secure housing. 
I’m open to the boys coming to stay with you for a while, if you are open to it? It isn’t what I want, but I have to consider what the most stable thing is for them while I go through this process.  Maybe through the rest of the school year? 
If you can’t do it, thats okay too. 
Let me know. Happy belated halloween 

I cried and cried, and stayed awake to glance over at my phone around 4am. I had an email. And it wasnt the email I was expecting back, it was from someone else. Glenn Hoveman, the Publisher of ACOL, A Course of Love.

Hello dear Jazz, 
It was probably 5 or 6 months ago that LV invited me to participate in the Monday evening Zoom calls oriented around How to Become A Christ. 
….Anyway you were on my mind this evening so before sending a note off to you I remembered your “I am Mary Magdalene” blog, which I thought was great.

I was deeply touched by the most recent two posts. Touched by your wholeness, your trust. As you know ACIM says that trust is the final quality to be learned by Teachers of God. And by your acceptance of what is, which is foundational in ACOL to knowing Christ-consciousness. 
I may have mentioned to you that one of the things I do is publish a monthly ACOL newsletter, The Embrace.
….And I was feeling that the two blogs I read this evening from 10/28 and 10/29 would — if shortened considerably — make a good article. The Embrace features articles by people who are inspired by ACOL, and you qualify! :~)  I love how you approach this “crisis.” And how you approach giving and receiving as one. Very inspiring! 

And so there it was. The blog was reaching people, it was touching people, just like I always knew it would and more love and support than I could ever imagine. I laid in bed and felt the shift physically. I was stepping into new territory now. Big letting go’s were always followed by the next step being revealed. But what would be revealed next?

Saying Goodbye.

Me and the boys arrive to Tampa after a smooth but long layover ride from John Wayne Airport. It’s morning, 12 hours of traveling and everyone’s tired. Through their weariness, Max and Xander are over the moon to see their dad. Where’s my brother? They both ask in a sing song unison as they hurriedly hug their dad.

I take one of the looks at them like your’e taking a mental picture in your head. Like maybe I’d paint a portrait later on of that moment or something. I settled in that moment for an actual picture. I hugged them, and I did an okay job of hiding my sadness. It’s that last nag, when you turn your back and walk away and down the escalator and look back for one last glimpse of their faces, not sure of the the next day, the exact day of when you’ll see your kids faces in real time.

God it stung.

But they were so happy. I walk towards the terminal towards a journey with so many unknowns, feeling as if I was leaving my past behind. But I knew it wasn’t true, but in the moment, it just felt like that.

They were okay, and I had done the next step in my transformation. I had done the right thing.

I said yes and the next set of Godvice ensued.

I was told that I’d be traveling, and I’d be traveling very soon, in about a month. It wasn’t physically possible to take them with me and they had to be with their dad for I couldn’t take them where I was about to go. It was all making sense.

The waves of loss, come in like a wave. But underneath it, there it is, ahhhhh, that place in peace I know so familiarly, more familiarly than any other feeling. The peace in knowing there is no suffering with God as God.

To follow God’s will all the way down to my naked bare bones is what I’m here for. Jasmine is not here just as Jasmine anymore. I couldn’t pretend anymore that it wasn’t true, everything was gone.

Everything except, the peace.

I let the new information and the new energies integrate into my mind, and through my body.

The Rebels Journey to Enlightenment. I had written those words with the thought in mind that the journey was all spiritual. It was clear that this Rebels Journey to Enlightenment was about to become also a very physical one.

Jazz Christ

I’ve talked about some of this, but now I will expand a bit. A few months ago, now that I think of it, around August, rounds of healing were coming in at a much more rapid succession. During the last 12 months before August, healing always came with breaks in between, weeks, sometimes a month.

But towards the end of the summer, things changed. There was hardly any time in between. I’d heal, come up for air, only to be dunked back down again. Kind of like back in your childhood, when you are swimming in the summer pool at your aunt’s house, and your cousin thinks it’s hilarious to dunk you under water, watch you gasp for air as you reach the surface, only to dunk you back down again. Or maybe that was just my cousin. God, I miss her.

So there I was day after day, healing, gasping for air in attempt to recover, then going in for another round of healing again.

And that’s exactly what sparked my next question.

When does this end?

This, as in this healing phase? I’m certain Yeshua and the Buddha weren’t handling karma still once they were performing healing and bringing the love of God into the world they live in. As I often have in this process, I was starting to feel like a lost pup in the wilderness. No elder, no visible roadmap or manual to give me just little external insight as to what to expect on this journey.

Shortly after asking the question however, the answer came in in October. Godvice time.

The healing ends as soon as your investment in what never existed disappears.

Basically, as soon as I stopped buying into the egoic merry go round of conflict, of duality, or making all of this real, I’d only see the truth, what in truth, was the only thing that ever really existed. The truth that there was nothing to ever fix, just my belief in that it needed fixing.

If you were wondering, it’s easier said than done.

Well dang, I thought, way to take full responsibility.

But, was I ready?

I wasn’t sure how long my actions would catch up to my new found awareness, but it was cool to know that there was hope! Eureka! I would not be doing this “forever.”

Which led me to last weekend to get a glimpse of what not doing this forever would feel like.

A few days before, I was starting to get the feelings. The feelings of some blocks coming up for healing. For me, my dreams get very obvious, as to what’s going really with my perceptions of people, places and things including myself. Once I had a subconscious fear of my oldest son one day ending up on drugs. And so in the dream, I’m following my son to a broken down corner, with a bunch of people who were very high and very angry. Next thing you know in the dream, one of the ladies is beating me over the head with her fists. No subtly there, I woke up knowing what fear needed some handling.

It also manifests physically for me. A few days before last Saturday, I developed a few days of pretty severe lower back pain, the kind that keeps you up at night. So there I was at my friends house Sabryna actually living there now, surrendered, on Saturday night open, willing and ready to heal. The twins are hanging out playing on their ipad’s and somehow watching Netflix at the same time on the floor.

I sit on the floor ready to go in. Waiting for all of the waves of negative emotions that usually come up when I surrender to healing.

and I waited and waited.

Finally, I open my eyes, making a facial expression shaped like a question mark if thats even possible.

A few breaths later, I get a clear God answer of,

A-L-L D-O-N-E

I still sit with the same inquisitive facial expression,

huh? What do you mean ‘all done’?

Well, you’re all done, the healing is over. The question is, are you READY for the healing to be over? Are you READY to see the Christ, to see God, everywhere, and to let go of what was never real?

And so I sat with that.

I immediately I felt deep sadness. What this would mean, is the human game for me, the one I’ve played for the last 33 years and lifetimes before and thought was very real is….

over?

Even if I wanted to, can’t play the game any longer, knowing its falsehood, knowing that it’s not the truth.

So, I settled into my humaness and I cried, and cried, and CRIED. I let myself be fully human, to feel the spectrum of every emotion that I needed to feel. Till finally, I felt the shift from within.

Yes, I’m ready.

I’m ready, to let go of all of it.

I’m ready, to become the Christ.

I scurry for my phone and text my friend, my brother in his love for God, Michael.

Micheal I died. I just died.

When I wake up tomorrow, everything will be different. I died and I’m the Christ. It’s all God now. Gosh this is so amazing to be apart of this, what a dream.

It took him a little bit to come around to texting back, who wouldn’t when someone texts you, skips a hello and says I died. What he wrote back just made the night more memorable.

To Become the Christ You Must Die Before You Die.

It wasn’t until this very moment, that I got it. Your final death is letting go of the illusion that all of this is real entirely. And in an instant, it is a choice that you make that will change everything. And its still a moment to moment choice. The long way was what I was doing before. Waiting for conflicts within my own mind to pop up, so that I could deal with them. Round by round. Becoming aware, owning it, and letting it go. I can’t say there isn’t value in doing it that way, but, it’s the long way. Most people never get there, and the people that do get there, healing their stuff, do it for decades or the remainder of their physical lives.

What I’m saying is, there’s a shorter way and an easier way.

To recognize that there is only one conflict and it comes from fear. That we believe in a separate world separate from God, in other words that we believe in duality.

That we believe in the illusion of seperation.

To let go of the illusion entirely is to heal all misperceptions.

All things I thought I needed to get rid of, those judgements, those fears, were never real and just for a moment, I got it.

I fully embodied the Christ that night as the tears streamed down my face and I stared at my son watching Netflix on the floor, with his head on my lap. Wrapped around motherhood, the love for my children, and their unwavering love and devotion for their momma.

The ego had let go that night enough for me to get a real, long glimpse.

I embodied the Christ in the most ordinary way and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Nothing I knew would ever be the same.

Pink lotus flower background

Six years of Black Eyes, Six Years of Lessons

I remember the first time I saw him.

I luckily landed myself in an all girls public school for high school, that my mom made me go to. I wasn’t a fan as you would imagine. There were about 500 of us in the freshman class back in 2000. I did find my crew though and they were in the grade above mine. Someone well above my grade level was the only young man I saw , roaming around the high school hallways. Junior was contracted there on union to install the windows. There were about 6 or 7 of them, and he was the only young one, the only Puerto Rican one, and most important, the only handsome one. Sooki sooki now. His face was chiseled and had one of those lines like Craig David. He was very thin, tall, had a bit of a smug attitude about him, but back then, I liked that stuff. I’d pretend to have some class near where he was working, just to catch a glimpse of him. Him and his baby blue ‘Ecko Red’ Shirt hanging all the way down to his knees. To me, at 15, that was very very sexy.

So pleather pants happened several times a week in my world. and tight jeans, the kind you lay down to put on that lines across your jeans at the thighs form further cutting off your circulation. I went from Tom boy Xena freak, nun wanna be for a while, to Jlo is my savior in a very short amount of time.

Don’t forget the hoops and lip liner okay?

Things well, they progressed between me and Junior. He ended up getting transferred to another job site. Why? Because I was 15 and he was 20 and we got caught by the assistant Principal. I think someone told on us. I was a student and he worked there, but not before the two of us had been seeing each other for several months, that was the reason why he got transferred.

And one kid later, the rest was history. 

 Two years later, It was my 17th birthday. I was pregnant, inlove and just happy, puppy love happy. We went to Chilli’s for dinner over in University City and walked back in silence. If I recall, I was annoyed that we hadn’t been spending much time together. I think, its hard to remember.

We started arguing, who knows about what in truth, funny how you never really remember specifics. We take the argument to the bedroom. he takes an open water bottle and throws it at me. Then, gives me a nice firm knock this pregnant lady over kinda push. He knocked me clear off my feet, and then to top it off, when I was on the ground, he spit on me.  I remember what I was wearing even. A flowery maternity shirt and jean shorts capturing my fertile naivety.

I was soaked, spit on, and feeling pretty fucking stupid.

Happy Birthday.

After that push, I didn’t know yet consciously, but on a God level, it was over before it had ever begun. I never really came back to fullness after that. I never really trusted not just him, but what became all men for a long while. I retreated to my inner safety after that.

The baby came, all 9 pounds, 11 ounces, and 2 feet of him and I was still in denial. The violent pushes turned to shakes and grip ups after Damien was born. That turned to slaps and eventually, punches, kicks and tumbles down the stairs.

So this is where I’m at, rockin’ the battered woman label? I thought to myself. Talk about stigmas, wear that label for a while. Even as a youngin’ I just never would’ve pictured that in my life, because I had judgements about it back then. I imagine that most people that endure abuse of that nature, don’t picture that in their lives.

Now at this point in the story, I am 19, and I remember leaving the house on the way to Community College, my son in tow,  black eye or busted lip. In Port Richmond Philly. Back then, half of the neighborhood would sit on their front stoop or porch, 40 or smoke in hand, just hanging out usually loudly. Their kids in just T-shirts and diapers running around on the street. This is just how it was back then, when I lived there and I don’t know about now.

I pass each neighbor one by one hanging out on their front porch, knowing that my sunglasses aren’t covering my bruises. Knowing that they can see. And knowing that I’d be judged.

Why I Stayed.

I stayed determined to wait for this concept of my mind of what he ‘needed’ which was his ‘big transformation’. I wasn’t at a place then to say, whats missing in me in order to stay with someone that would hit me? I saw his pain and I wanted to care for him. Nurture him back to ‘wholeness’, that whole motherly, feminine thing thats really sometimes a form of unconscious manipulation if its not coming from an unconditional place. I didn’t see any problem or flaw within my thinking of wanting to change someone’s behavior. After all, I wasn’t abusing anyone, I wasn’t the one CHEATING, I thought to myself back then. Sexual monogamy was a big MUST for me back then and was not up for discussion. In my mind, it was him that needed to be nurtured back to good health, not me. Was there love there?Conditional love, in other words, Love with strings.

And of course staying failed miserably in terms of making it work, and yet it was totally relevant to my story that I stayed as long as I did. The God of me wanted me there. I suffered during that time, there was a ton of suffering well past the bruises, the emotional kind and the kind of suffering that I was disgusted with what I had allowed myself to become. The victim. And eventually, I got tired of suffering, at least from that kind of suffering. I didn’t know what to expect week to week. Sometimes it was one comment that would set him off. Other times there were weeks maybe even a few months of us having a grand ole’ time, getting along. I want to say the breaking point was just this sudden realization, that I loved myself a lot, I want to say that was what it was that snapped me back. But it didn’t. 

My attachment then was to the happy family unit. Having a kid and not making it work was not in my understanding. Having a kid and not getting married also, wasn’t in my understanding either.

It Ran It’s Course

It took a psychic telling me that he’d never change. I walked into the nightshift at my Nurse Extern Job. At this point, I was in Nursing school, on my 6 month externship at night time, and I used my job at night as an escape from the conflict at home. The woman, Jackie had just had heart surgery. She seemed to be in a very intense conversation.

Jackie: You are so beautiful, she gushes in her South Philly Italian and proud, oh so familiar accent.

Me: Thank you, I squeak, instantly blush and help her from the commode back to the bed.

That was Argentina actually. I’m a psychic, I do missing persons cases for children across the world.

Me: OHHHhhhh, one of those yeah right Oh’s give me a break, but I tried to make it convincing. Ohhhhhhh.

She didn’t seem to notice.

Jackie: For me it goes by touch. I squeeze her arm just a little tighter as I proceed to take her blood pressure trying to hear for a clear diastolic beat.

She continues to spell out Damien’s dads name, Damien’s name and gives me a synopsis of my relationship all the way down to the physical abuse. She read me like a book. Now my face is crimson red and I’m shaking.

That day he just so happened to total my car, I got the call about an hour after my time with my psychic patient.

The day I made the decision, I took a bus to Atlantic City, I drank a 6 pack, won 800 bucks on a slot machine and stayed overnight alone. I hadn’t had so much fun in a while. I thought ya know I could really do this by myself thing. I could get used to this. 

I was about 21 at this point. That was the first time as an adult, that the world that I thought, was not what it actually what I was experiencing. That was the first time where I got to watch my vision of perfection crumble.

And  to think it took a psychic.

Boy did I learn. I learned about me. I learned about the supressed pain of many men that they carry for lifetimes that comes out as anger, and I learned that I could be alone and raise a kid, and I let go of how I thought it looked to everyone.

Back then, if you told me life would be here, now at 33, I wouldn’t have believed you. And yet I would’ve been curious to know more. Because God was there through all of it and I felt it. I remember sitting in bed, sobbing, maybe Damien was 2, Please God allow me to let him go, if this isn’t right, help me to see, help me to let him go. And God sent me a psychic to help out with that apparently.

The Weight of the Past

I really thought I healed my perception of this portion of my life. I really thought I had forgiven myself for staying and enduring all of what I did. I thought I forgave myself for feeling like a victim. But I hadn’t. I carried those past stories towards every man I met without realizing it.

So all these years later, this came up. on the bathroom floor as it always did.

The flashes, there were so many flashes that crossed into my awareness. The broken bones, the times I didn’t know if I’d live or die. Every single event that had ever happened, that I hadn’t forgiven, was right there for me to mend. I did. I healed as much of me as I could that night. I healed the 15 year old girl looking for love outside of herself.  And I completely forgave what was never even mine to forgive. I forgave the illusion that he could hurt me. I forgave my misperception of who he was. I forgave myself for loving him with strings attached and I forgave the fact that I forgot that he and I are not separate from each other.

I forgave it over a decade later thinking it was healed years ago. 

We like a storehouse, carry the weight of the past with us. It’s completely unconscious. We meet a woman, and really what we see is all of the behaviors from other women, all of the judgements we made on others before the person standing before us. The abuse that I endured is just one example of a heavy list of past stories that I was carrying in my awareness. When its forgiven, you free yourself. I saved my world when I changed my mind about it. I changed my mind about what I thought I saw within Junior and within myself. I now see only growth. I see a necessary part of my story. I see a woman now that has a boundless amount of compassion and love to give, and that began from viewing my partner and all of his suffering, and enduring my own. For him, the deep anger that he felt had become him. I continue to work on accepting the anger that I have had, and have felt. For Junior, he wasn’t able to find peace in this lifetime. He wasn’t able to find forgiveness for himself and others in this lifetime. His sadness, his pain, went to a level of taking his own life years later, in 2015.

I work on embracing the aspects of Junior that have been a hidden part of me everyday. My journey is his journey…