Six years of Black Eyes, Six Years of Lessons

I remember the first time I saw him.

I luckily landed myself in an all girls public school for high school, that my mom made me go to. I wasn’t a fan as you would imagine. There were about 500 of us in the freshman class back in 2000. I did find my crew though and they were in the grade above mine. Someone well above my grade level was the only young man I saw , roaming around the high school hallways. Junior was contracted there on union to install the windows. There were about 6 or 7 of them, and he was the only young one, the only Puerto Rican one, and most important, the only handsome one. Sooki sooki now. His face was chiseled and had one of those lines like Craig David. He was very thin, tall, had a bit of a smug attitude about him, but back then, I liked that stuff. I’d pretend to have some class near where he was working, just to catch a glimpse of him. Him and his baby blue ‘Ecko Red’ Shirt hanging all the way down to his knees. To me, at 15, that was very very sexy.

So pleather pants happened several times a week in my world. and tight jeans, the kind you lay down to put on that lines across your jeans at the thighs form further cutting off your circulation. I went from Tom boy Xena freak, nun wanna be for a while, to Jlo is my savior in a very short amount of time.

Don’t forget the hoops and lip liner okay?

Things well, they progressed between me and Junior. He ended up getting transferred to another job site. Why? Because I was 15 and he was 20 and we got caught by the assistant Principal. I think someone told on us. I was a student and he worked there, but not before the two of us had been seeing each other for several months, that was the reason why he got transferred.

And one kid later, the rest was history. 

 Two years later, It was my 17th birthday. I was pregnant, inlove and just happy, puppy love happy. We went to Chilli’s for dinner over in University City and walked back in silence. If I recall, I was annoyed that we hadn’t been spending much time together. I think, its hard to remember.

We started arguing, who knows about what in truth, funny how you never really remember specifics. We take the argument to the bedroom. he takes an open water bottle and throws it at me. Then, gives me a nice firm knock this pregnant lady over kinda push. He knocked me clear off my feet, and then to top it off, when I was on the ground, he spit on me.  I remember what I was wearing even. A flowery maternity shirt and jean shorts capturing my fertile naivety.

I was soaked, spit on, and feeling pretty fucking stupid.

Happy Birthday.

After that push, I didn’t know yet consciously, but on a God level, it was over before it had ever begun. I never really came back to fullness after that. I never really trusted not just him, but what became all men for a long while. I retreated to my inner safety after that.

The baby came, all 9 pounds, 11 ounces, and 2 feet of him and I was still in denial. The violent pushes turned to shakes and grip ups after Damien was born. That turned to slaps and eventually, punches, kicks and tumbles down the stairs.

So this is where I’m at, rockin’ the battered woman label? I thought to myself. Talk about stigmas, wear that label for a while. Even as a youngin’ I just never would’ve pictured that in my life, because I had judgements about it back then. I imagine that most people that endure abuse of that nature, don’t picture that in their lives.

Now at this point in the story, I am 19, and I remember leaving the house on the way to Community College, my son in tow,  black eye or busted lip. In Port Richmond Philly. Back then, half of the neighborhood would sit on their front stoop or porch, 40 or smoke in hand, just hanging out usually loudly. Their kids in just T-shirts and diapers running around on the street. This is just how it was back then, when I lived there and I don’t know about now.

I pass each neighbor one by one hanging out on their front porch, knowing that my sunglasses aren’t covering my bruises. Knowing that they can see. And knowing that I’d be judged.

Why I Stayed.

I stayed determined to wait for this concept of my mind of what he ‘needed’ which was his ‘big transformation’. I wasn’t at a place then to say, whats missing in me in order to stay with someone that would hit me? I saw his pain and I wanted to care for him. Nurture him back to ‘wholeness’, that whole motherly, feminine thing thats really sometimes a form of unconscious manipulation if its not coming from an unconditional place. I didn’t see any problem or flaw within my thinking of wanting to change someone’s behavior. After all, I wasn’t abusing anyone, I wasn’t the one CHEATING, I thought to myself back then. Sexual monogamy was a big MUST for me back then and was not up for discussion. In my mind, it was him that needed to be nurtured back to good health, not me. Was there love there?Conditional love, in other words, Love with strings.

And of course staying failed miserably in terms of making it work, and yet it was totally relevant to my story that I stayed as long as I did. The God of me wanted me there. I suffered during that time, there was a ton of suffering well past the bruises, the emotional kind and the kind of suffering that I was disgusted with what I had allowed myself to become. The victim. And eventually, I got tired of suffering, at least from that kind of suffering. I didn’t know what to expect week to week. Sometimes it was one comment that would set him off. Other times there were weeks maybe even a few months of us having a grand ole’ time, getting along. I want to say the breaking point was just this sudden realization, that I loved myself a lot, I want to say that was what it was that snapped me back. But it didn’t. 

My attachment then was to the happy family unit. Having a kid and not making it work was not in my understanding. Having a kid and not getting married also, wasn’t in my understanding either.

It Ran It’s Course

It took a psychic telling me that he’d never change. I walked into the nightshift at my Nurse Extern Job. At this point, I was in Nursing school, on my 6 month externship at night time, and I used my job at night as an escape from the conflict at home. The woman, Jackie had just had heart surgery. She seemed to be in a very intense conversation.

Jackie: You are so beautiful, she gushes in her South Philly Italian and proud, oh so familiar accent.

Me: Thank you, I squeak, instantly blush and help her from the commode back to the bed.

That was Argentina actually. I’m a psychic, I do missing persons cases for children across the world.

Me: OHHHhhhh, one of those yeah right Oh’s give me a break, but I tried to make it convincing. Ohhhhhhh.

She didn’t seem to notice.

Jackie: For me it goes by touch. I squeeze her arm just a little tighter as I proceed to take her blood pressure trying to hear for a clear diastolic beat.

She continues to spell out Damien’s dads name, Damien’s name and gives me a synopsis of my relationship all the way down to the physical abuse. She read me like a book. Now my face is crimson red and I’m shaking.

That day he just so happened to total my car, I got the call about an hour after my time with my psychic patient.

The day I made the decision, I took a bus to Atlantic City, I drank a 6 pack, won 800 bucks on a slot machine and stayed overnight alone. I hadn’t had so much fun in a while. I thought ya know I could really do this by myself thing. I could get used to this. 

I was about 21 at this point. That was the first time as an adult, that the world that I thought, was not what it actually what I was experiencing. That was the first time where I got to watch my vision of perfection crumble.

And  to think it took a psychic.

Boy did I learn. I learned about me. I learned about the supressed pain of many men that they carry for lifetimes that comes out as anger, and I learned that I could be alone and raise a kid, and I let go of how I thought it looked to everyone.

Back then, if you told me life would be here, now at 33, I wouldn’t have believed you. And yet I would’ve been curious to know more. Because God was there through all of it and I felt it. I remember sitting in bed, sobbing, maybe Damien was 2, Please God allow me to let him go, if this isn’t right, help me to see, help me to let him go. And God sent me a psychic to help out with that apparently.

The Weight of the Past

I really thought I healed my perception of this portion of my life. I really thought I had forgiven myself for staying and enduring all of what I did. I thought I forgave myself for feeling like a victim. But I hadn’t. I carried those past stories towards every man I met without realizing it.

So all these years later, this came up. on the bathroom floor as it always did.

The flashes, there were so many flashes that crossed into my awareness. The broken bones, the times I didn’t know if I’d live or die. Every single event that had ever happened, that I hadn’t forgiven, was right there for me to mend. I did. I healed as much of me as I could that night. I healed the 15 year old girl looking for love outside of herself.  And I completely forgave what was never even mine to forgive. I forgave the illusion that he could hurt me. I forgave my misperception of who he was. I forgave myself for loving him with strings attached and I forgave the fact that I forgot that he and I are not separate from each other.

I forgave it over a decade later thinking it was healed years ago. 

We like a storehouse, carry the weight of the past with us. It’s completely unconscious. We meet a woman, and really what we see is all of the behaviors from other women, all of the judgements we made on others before the person standing before us. The abuse that I endured is just one example of a heavy list of past stories that I was carrying in my awareness. When its forgiven, you free yourself. I saved my world when I changed my mind about it. I changed my mind about what I thought I saw within Junior and within myself. I now see only growth. I see a necessary part of my story. I see a woman now that has a boundless amount of compassion and love to give, and that began from viewing my partner and all of his suffering, and enduring my own. For him, the deep anger that he felt had become him. I continue to work on accepting the anger that I have had, and have felt. For Junior, he wasn’t able to find peace in this lifetime. He wasn’t able to find forgiveness for himself and others in this lifetime. His sadness, his pain, went to a level of taking his own life years later, in 2015.

I work on embracing the aspects of Junior that have been a hidden part of me everyday. My journey is his journey…

When Jazz met CJ

Meeting CJ

Ya know those days when something is about to happen and you can feel it in the air? You are just missing maybe one link, one piece to the puzzle, and you just aren’t sure what it is? Sometimes it’s nothing but patience that’s missing. You just needed to be patient to let all the pieces unfold.

It was July 2019, and I had a few weeks of singlehood because my kids were away visiting their dad. Of course my singlehood was more like spirithood. It consisted of meeting a ton of people in various spiritual communities in a few week period online and in person. It was around the end of my time off, and the kids would be back in about 8 days. I had been going to various Course in Miracles meetings and they were great, but I knew there was something else missing. There was something during this time off, related to A Course in Miracles, that I was supposed to be a part of.

I knew in the future, the near future, there would be Course in Miracles classes, that I would have my role in, but I couldn’t figure out how. I knew it was someone I was supposed to meet, someone that would act as a mentor to me in many ways. Someone that I would learn from, and we would take a journey together.

It was a Monday and I was pacing around on Doheny beach, not sure what to do with the rest of the day. I had maybe 15 dollars in my Wells Fargo account. I figured if the Godvice came in and I needed to be somewhere, most likely, for gas that’d be enough to get me to and back.

Then my friend, the friend that I was very close to during the most intense part of this process, called me, we’ll call her Brandy.

Brandy: Hey Jazz, I got a flyer in my email. I know you’ve been talking forever about finding A Course in Miracles class, it looks like they have one at the HeartSpace school tonight. It’s called “A Course in Miracles Seen Differently.”

Ding ding ding.

Sometimes, like I said, it just takes a little patience. I saw the price of the class, $30.

Okay, I thought as I trekked down the beach on one of my notoriously long beach walks. If I call Wells Fargo, and get a refund for this overdraft fee from a few days, I’ll be able to go.

So I did just that, got the whooping $35 back bringing my account to an impressive $50, and I headed to Costa Mesa for the evening class. I show up to see a small group of four people there gathered around at a meeting table.

And there she was.

Within 5 minutes of meeting CJ, I knew she was the one. I knew that I knew her from the time of Yeshua instantly. All the Godvice was already in my ear giving me plans. It was clear, I’d get to know her, and I’d have to tell her everything, but I’d have to start slow. We connected like two soulmates would. I could feel her love for the course radiate through her as she taught. She was dedicated to teaching, and dedicated to her students. It was on the second class where I knew we’d be working together in more ways than one.

She turns to me privately.

And so the students you see here on on the spiritual life coach track.

She turns to me, with a serious gaze on her face, You’d make an amazing life coach ya know.

I heard it, but I knew even on a surface level, that life coaching wasn’t the right fit, so I kept listening.

Now it’s the same classes, she continues on, but a different path which is the Ministerial students I teach. It’s under the Madonna Ministries.

Buzzzzzz I could feel my face getting hot, and my ears ringing.

No shit. I’m becoming a Minister and she would be my teacher.

I smile.

Dear God,

you are so sneaky sometimes, I love how you surprise me with the obvious.

CJ continues,

What we all have in common being a part of this ministry is a deep relationship with Mother Mary.

I thought of the days where I used to place my mother Mary statue by my bedside as a little girl that my aunt had given me. And if it didn’t seem like Mary was staring directly down at the head of my bed, I’d get out of bed and rearrange her till it was perfect. I thought of Laura, my dearest sister, and the reincarnation of Mother Mary in this lifetime. Yeah, I check that one right off the list, I thought silently.

I politely nodded and told her.

This is for me.

Road Trip To Oxnard

Months go by, and now its November 8th, and we are headed up to Oxnard. It was my first trip to meet everyone and I was invited to see one of the other ladies become ordained and take part in ceremony. I was excited to meet the Head Minister. And off the five of us went. Oxnard, here we come if I don’t lose a leg from being squooshed in the backseat, here we come.

At this point the whole group didn’t know about me being the reincarnation of Mary Magdalene, they didn’t know about The Second Coming etc, just CJ knew meaning that I told her. Whether she understood, well I guess that would be for her to answer.

We all on our way to Oxnard stop off for Lunch. Everyone’s eating, and I awkwardly attempt to hide my awkwardness because I didn’t have money to eat. I felt awkward really because I knew they felt awkward about me being penniless and would offer me food for the 80th time. It’s like being the third wheel 50 times in a row. I cant have you pay for my food repeatedly. Once is sweet.

One of the ladies brings up, Well when we go to France this May….

I, already knowing the answer, inquisitively ask,

What’s in France? One of the ladies replies,

Well we go every year, we’ll be doing the Mary Magdalene tour like we do every year, The head minister of the Madonna ministries organizes the whole thing, although I think this year, is the last trip.

I tried my best to hide the wide eyed look that I get whenever someone drops a bomb of information from God not even realizing that’s what they just did.

That conversation, triggered the feeling that I knew so well.

Oh boy, there it is, theres the feeling. I thought to myself. The five of us squeeze into our GMC and continue our adventure.

I gaze out the window as the sun starts to set over the mountain tops.

Yeah guys so somethings about to go down, its a good thing, but its a big thing. It looks like tomorrow.

I thought to myself. What’s tomorrow? November 9th. The first time I ever spent time with Judas alone, you could call it a date. Like two nervous nellies we awkwardly go out to some laid back place for dinner in San Clemente. Both of us being overly polite to hide our nerves, smiling and laughing way too much. He gave me his Buddhist bell, the one he chanted with for years. It was an endearing evening.

And, I continue to the ladies,

It has to do with meeting the head minister at Madonna Ministries, whatever is going to happen it’s between me and her.

What could it be?

Gosh those human questions of anxiously anticipating the next moment, but I couldn’t help myself. No seriously, what could it be?

The Ceremony

From start to finish the following day was magical. It was hard to believe that that evening we’d be headed back to Orange County, stepping into a different scene on the same day. The house that the ordination was held at was turned into a Mother Mary shrine. One room had been converted into a chapel, and you couldn’t pass a corner without the innocent white statue of the Blessed Mother welcoming your presence.

Yep, I knew it from the moment I said yes, these people, are my people. I’m home. I was welcomed from one arm to the next by Ministers of all different life paths. Males and Females. Dressed differently, different backgrounds and upbringings. The welcome was more like a, hello my long lost sister, I am touched to see you again. Welcome home.

We round together for the ordination.

The head minister turns to me

Jazz, you become a minister, when you are called to become one.

I knew that had already happened the moment the head minister place the extra stole scarf that she had around my neck. I could feel in that moment that I had become one. The energy shift went from from high to higher instantly. I watch the woman being ordained engulfed in love. She looked like a beam of light, thats how much love was shooting from her essence. The fellow ministers surrounded her with presence one by one.

Then they all turn to me, I look at CJ, she gives me her blessing.

This was the thing wasn’t it? This was it? I was to be ordained today? I can tell ya, I just didn’t see it coming.

The head minister looks at me and initiates the ordination. Someone with such power and intensity. As she gazed at me and placed her hand on my heart, there was this mystery to her that I couldn’t quite figure out but the kind of mystery you want to know more of. I knew we would know each other more deeply in the years to come.

And then CJ turns to me, and I lost it. A 13 year old took these pics by the way, talk about capturing the moment.

She gingerly her hands on my tear stricken face and says, My daughter, I knew from the moment that I met you Jazz, that we had work to do together. I am always with you, and every step of the way on your journey, I will be there with you.

It was a night of the pure love from the Divine Femine.

Dear God,

Thanks again for another sneaky moment of somehow keeping the obvious next step from me. Thanks for the surprise.

-Jazz

I’ve been asked many times after this. So how does being a Minister fall into all of this? My answer will always be the same. I just follow God’s will, and I don’t have any answers, until I’m told. I knew that it was a part of the plan, but the why behind it mattered none.

I took the time on the drive home, from the back seat, to tell the ladies rest of the story.

The Who I am, why I am here, and what’s to come to the best of my ability, which usually comes off as way too much to bite off at one time. Some of them, without me telling them, they were somehow were already on to me. Others didn’t believe anything I said.

I was graced with not only with this day, but complete graciousness from all of them. I had no idea how I’d pay the $200 in Minister fee’s after the fact, I figured a payment plan, and somehow someway it’d be paid. The very next day, I received a text from CJ.

Dear One,

I wanted to let you know the two gifts that were given to me after your ordination yesterday. They are monetary gifts to cover your ordination and dues in the ministry for next year 2020. The total comes to $200. You had quite a journey over the weekend, I am so excited for you my daughter, my sister, my friend. -CJ

Once again my heart is full, and open as I’ve received such endless support along this journey. It’s so clear how it’s everyone’s journey. We are all together in this.

Update to this post March 2020: One thing I did not mention in this post when I wrote it, was at one point on the car ride home, God wanted me to just blurt out my past as a prostitute in front of the other four women in the car. So of course, I did just that.

After my announcement spread among the other members that were part of the ministry, the money that was donated from other Madonna Ministries members towards my ordination cost was revoked from being able to put towards my ordination and I was told that my ordination was not official and would not be until I returned to California in the summer/fall of 2020.

Becoming Desireless

This is not surprising for me, but honestly it is surprising too especially when I go back and look at some of my earlier posts where I wrote about my experiences/realizations then. I’ve talked about it before. How enlightenment doesn’t mean, passively meditating, never moving the body to participate in helping in a “physical way”, never having human happenings like work, or taking care of children, and I stand by what I said, it is true. The process of awakening, at different stages will look completely different from one person to the next. Hey, some people might not want to go all the way, for awakening and full Christhood, embodying God in full, aren’t the same. .

But for me, as a human, and knowing Jazz as Jazz, I’m a little beside myself lately. In a good way. But it is one of those other, who am I ? moments. It makes me think of that day, August 24th when it all became crystal clear for the first time. For months this had been circling in my head. I wasn’t happy about finding out about Mary Magdalene. I was actually pretty peeved at first.

For months before I understood, my head was filtrated with thoughts like,

Why do I need to know that I am the reincarnation of Mary Magdalene?

Why would that hold any significance for me to know that?

What am I supposed to DO with that?

This was the night I found out, why I was told that. I know these blogs are tough to read out of order, so here is that link incase you haven’t read those posts.

https://arebelsjourneytoenlightenment.com/2019/10/02/you-can-find-my-freakout-caught-on-video-here/

Well I got my answer that night, that night, that I will always remember. And it was clear, that in order to become responsible in the way that I had just become responsible, that Jasmine was a chapter of life that had agreed to be the last chapter that would allow the continuation of an incomplete story from 2000 years ago. And the trek that I thought I was on, which was fully embodying God, the real purpose behind it, was not what I thought it was. I thought I’d embody God’s love fully, help people who were interested in their own journey home and chill like so many enlightened people do.

Throughout the spring and summer, I was shedding Jazz’s desires, her identities and her projected ideals of what her future would look like, in cycles. And it was happening very quickly.

I remembered me, as the human, me as the Jazz. Tough as nails, but as silly and sweet as candy I tell ya’. I was full of hugs, but also……I was motivated to get ish’ done, and to get it done well. If I wanted something, I’d narrow in on my focus, I didn’t give two fucks how long it would take to accomplish my mission, but I was getting the job done. Jazz was a BEAST at productivity.

Jazz wanted a house, a very specific house for like many years. Many many many years. This was my (Jazz’s) vision that I would doodle in every notebook or make a vision board, or do some silly meditation over.

A beach house, four bedrooms at least, open floor plan double deck attached to the master and first floor, extra space to build a dance studio for a stripper pole. And don’t forget the little studio to record music with all of my favorite recording artists that I’d one day collab with. Or how about the pool table that I’ll look at and hang a beer chandelier over, but I’ll probably never play pool, just watch my friends play. I wanted to see glass in my house. A lot of it. Ceiling to floor windows overlooking the Pacific. Add some Buddhist chants and coffee to go along with the sunrise in the morning and you are good to go. I mean this is what I talked about with anybody that knew me…..for years.

And now, here I am. 33, naked from the past, and the whole house thing, well, it’s not really a thing anymore.

Let’s change the subject to another desire I had. I think about the absolute love of my life awakening. I love that mother fucker so much, Judas, I love em’, I really really do, he’d laugh to still hear me call him by his per name, mother fucker :-). I imagined Judas somehow just, getting it, catapulting towards me with his own God realizations, not because I even guided him in that direction. For a year, I imagined him finally allowing his mental blocks to start to crumble. I imagined the fear, his internal conflict just dissipating into thousands of years of healed karma, and just becoming the love, the God that he is and directing all of that love, that God, towards himself, and the selfish add on, to me of course.

I used to think about it, I used to want it. I used to wonder why it was taking so long. Needless to say, I was entrenched with desire, just like the next person. And it ain’t nothin’ wrong with playing the game of desires.

But now, when it comes to desiring any of it.

I got nothing.

I’m all empty.

Now I don’t mean those basic desires, like getting dressed and eating food. Heehee. But lets even take that example. The specifics, like, what to wear, or what to eat. Anything that takes up extra thoughts, I just don’t go there often and I’m surprised! I really loved food and had desires, a lot of them. I loved Mai Tai’s and I desired them too, often.

Anyways, I still think about the house, I still think about Judas in a way of watching him awaken and being with him, but it’s not out of desire. It’s like watching a clip of a movie, and having warm thoughts as it passes through my awareness. It’s me watching, what exists in the nonphysical, and watching it past through. I really feel the love right here, as me with all of that being a part of me although its not grab-able.

Scary. It really is. Not bad scary though.

It’s like the scary in The Matrix when Neo wakes up suddenly from the Matrix and becomes unplugged, the look on his face, it’s like he’s coming through the birth canal. Being reborn. That kinda scary.

It reminds me of the years and years of listening to Law of Attraction material, how once you don’t want a thing anymore, that’s when it comes to you. I used to really really try to convince the universe that I so didn’t want that thing. A relationship, more money, recognition etc, and yet every week, or month, I’d check the calendar, wondering why that thing that I didn’t want anymore wasn’t here yet. I really didn’t get, that in all of that law of attraction stuff, what they were talking about what happens during the enlightenment process. You become a masterful manifestor, perhaps, but with little desire. And that is exactly the point. You can manifest things quite quickly, and yet the burning nag and need to have, has gone. And further I should add, is because of the details of what you wanted are completely let go of, when it comes back, it comes back as the highest and best energetically. It isnt even maybe a house at all, but still an energetic match to God’s highest plan for your life.

It is good news. Not to the human, but to the real me. To the human zeroing in on desire felt unnatural. That’s why it felt like dying. Thats why it felt sad or like some sort of a loss.

Now to the really good news.

I’ve got one desire that I’m full of. My desire is to help humanity awaken. I don’t desire the other things I mentioned, but I also don’t not desire them either. What it is, is there’s just this lack of putting any energetic investment into caring one way or the other. I have no interest in using any mental space to desire outside of…..being what i am.

God.

What I desire is that one thing. It’s alive and fiery in its passion. I know what a desire feels like, and none of the other stuff feels remotely close to the desire to become God in a body, the desire to become The Christ, to further aid the world in waking itself up. To act as God always through this body. To allow love to radiate out of me continuously with no end.

And another necessary mention is even that desire must be let go of. It’s still the ego keeping the game of want going.

Now I realize I’m in the emptying stage right now. My focus is on love, my focus is becoming the Christ. Once the ball gets rolling, I’m sure the humaness to some degree will smoothly integrate back. Maybe, Maybe not. This is all as new to me as it may be to some of you. But, I’m open.

Things may be different, but this process that I’m going through is very human. I did not have five angels appear to me one day to tell me “Oh you are so divine, you’ve decided to become The Christ in this life time aid the world in saving itself.” I found out on a bathroom floor in San Clemente California.

I’m ordinary. Although I do not suffer anymore, I’m still very human. I still have sadness. I still have the full range of emotion. You still do as God.

What I do know is that this is the path of my life’s mission.

Some parts of this journey have been a little scary, because its new, as a forgotten God, it feels new. As a human, it feels new. And this is a new development. This no desirey thingy.

I do know that following the God of me and letting the rest be, is what’s right for me. I sit for a moment, and feel in for the one thing that keeps this going. And it’s the peace of God. Still there, furiously there, and growing each day.

Thank you for letting me share with you just another part of my journey:-).

Giving up everything for Dummies

What I’m getting at is, I know when we talk about this stuff, it can all sound very Shakespearean and poetic, making little relational sense, and the reason is, that words can only go so far, to explain all encompassing existence that precedes all words.

Feel me?

We are trying to, in truth, break down oneness to explain it. But the moment you break it down, it ain’t oneness no mo’. So we do the best we can with what we got, which is words. And we do this until you have something better, which is, your own experiences that will replace any explanation that could be given to you through words.

As this process has, lets say….intensified for me, one repetitive thing keeps popping up. It keeps popping up because its being brought to my attention that it needs to be revisited. The concept in enlightenment of giving up everything, is a concept known to many through out the stories of Jesus, the stories of The Buddha, and their teachings. They were avid mentioners of how necessary it is to Give up everything for God, or in the Buddhas case, for the mind to become empty of perceptions, to remove suffering to obtain Buddhahood or more commonly referred to as enlightenment.

Right below, here is a diagram that I made that tried to describe on paper the mind of a normal, unawakened human being. We will call this “the attachment chart”. It is a simple, generalized pie chart, to represent the attachments of the mind. I’m doing my best to oversimplify this explanation to make a point. I also get an excuse to act 9 years old, and color. Yippee!

As you can see, I have sections of the mind. titled, Career, Religion, Family, Marriage etc. Each section is larger, smaller or about the same size as another. The larger the space that is taken up within the attachment chart, the more heavily possessed the mind is to be attached to that particular category. Each human beings mind attachment chart will be unique to that particular person. In this chart you can see that the person has the deepest attachments to family and marriage as many people do. The point is not in the details of what the person is attached, the point is that in this diagram, the minds master in an unawakened normal human being, is the ego and not God. All attachment of any kind or causes suffering. In other words, the ego causes suffering, and the ego is what is running the show for the majority of human beings. The list goes on and on to the things that that a person is attached to typically. As you can see in the picture, I only included eight categories.

Now lets look at what happens when you start to go through the process of God realization, the process of enlightenment. The process, of becoming The Christ. Your mind becomes empty of all the human “stuff” first.

Now we’ve got a mind, that has some empty space now. Finally, the suffering starts to let up a bit after all those damn years! Can I get a hello, Amen, Hallelujah? We are makin’ progress. In the empty space, what used to be there, was an attachment to a car, a house, career, body and religion, but now thats missing. Now half of the mind has empty space in it. Once the mind becomes empty, this is what happens. You reach half christ mind, half human mind (for purposes of explaining I’m making this explanation very black and white). See below 50% Christ Mind Chart.

Or maybe more like 48% Christ mind because my lines are crooked.

What happens after your mind starts to empty is, God, like a rushing river that can’t be stopped, floods into your mind and into that empty space. This process is actually quite physical. the moment you detach from from the nagging need to have something, or you cleanse a fearful perception, or you un-cling to something you used to cling to, eventually you will be able to feel the emptying happen in your mind and your body and you feel God rush in. And the further you go into the removing the attachments of this world, the fears etc, the more intensified the emptying and God rushing in like a river to fill in the empty space becomes.

So does it mean that the person that goes through this process actually loses their car, house, family and religion etc? Whether they did or didn’t lose these things physically, is irrelevant to the point. If you are sincerely on this Christ journey, you ain’t pondering the answer to that question, or even really asking the question. Cause if we ask the question, then it means we still care which means they still have an attachment to outcome.

Anyways, to answer the question, it’s the attachment to the car, house, family and religion that was lost. In some cases the physical thing leaves and comes back later, in other cases things do not come back, in other cases it never leaves. What is always a part of the process, is the person was completely willing to surrender it all up. Let me repeat that. An unavoidable part of becoming The Christ is you must be completely willing to surrender it all up. And as a result of this, what leaves is your desire to have it one way over the other. As you barrel down into this process, your desire is to have God, to know God and lastly to become God. That desire replaces all other desires.

Now look at the last diagram here is ultimately what happens when you become God. When you Become the Christ. You go from the process of “emptying” out all of the egoic attachments and delusions to being completely filled with God, with truth.

You become whole for the first time.

God is not separate from “everything”, You are removing the illusion of everything as a human, for the truth of everything as God.

And when this happens, everything in truth, comes back as truth.

You experience your children as the truth, as God, as you, rather than your children that take on a temporary, impermanent form thats a part of this illusionary world.

You experience your mate as the truth, as God, rather than the temporary form that they are inhabiting in a body in an illusionary world.

You experience your house, your car, as an impermanent form thats something to appreciate and enjoy within the illusion, but you have no attachment to whether it’s here or not here.

If you have reached this level of realization, you have become the Christ, as Jesus. You have become the Buddha as Siddhartha did, (that’s the Buddha’s real name).

You have taken the little itty bitty humaness that you were living from your entire life, that 1% and you’ve integrated that into the oneness, the wholeness, the other infinite 99% of you, the God you.

Hard?

Yes and no.

It’s the hardest thing to remove yourself from what was never real, and yet it is the most natural thing you could ever do. Simple, and natural yes. But it ain’t easy.

The journey of becoming the Christ takes all of your attention, all of your commitment, and all of your focus. You can not half step the Christ journey and expect to become enlightened.

You are either in illusion, or your are the Christ. The mind cannot have two masters. It’s ego or God, not both.

This is not to scare you, or rush you even, this is to share the true meaning of what it is to give up everything.

So where am I?

I’m in the process of wringing out the towel. Meaning theres some emptying still happening, but we are nearing empty at this point. And once the emptying has occurred.

The Christ within will awaken fully.

And heres the fun part. You don’t become a Christ, then you wave your arms and say game over and give out hugs and smiles for the rest of your life.

Enlightened beings are all at different levels of enlightenment. There is no ceiling, no finish line to God and living as God through the body. Just like anything else, the Christ journey is expanding, enlightenment is expanding.

So to sum it up….

Now lets talk about what everything really is in this case.

We are gonna take this to another level.

The everything that you are asked to give up, is the “human everything” that you are attached to. That human everything, is the illusion of “everything”.

What you are being asked to give up in truth,

is nothing.

In truth, you are giving up nothing (what was never real), for everything, what’s eternal. And before I get carried away again, I’ll leave you with this.

Nothing real can be threatened

Nothing Unreal Exists

Herein lies the peace of God. T-In.2:1-4

Homelessness Never Looked So Good

Who knew I could learn so much in two weeks

Here’s what has been my new found awareness. People that are homeless, especially people that had been kicking around doing the homeless thing for quite some time, are some resourceful ass mofo’s.

I met Bear first. This was just before my homeless journey. I was sitting quietly waiting to be seen by one of the staff members at the “Family Assistance Ministries”, and I’m not sure who chatted up who first, but before you know it, Bear and I were buddies.

This guy was scruffy, and his hands looked like sand paper. It looked like he had used his fingers, like more than I thought was possible to ever use your hands and fingers. Bear had these piercing bright eyes, that looked like he knew something I didn’t. He started off by telling me his wild adventures of having a Black bear, like literally a bear, as a best friend for 6 years after many years in the circus.

It gets better.

He ran away from the circus because his girlfriend got pregnant. This guy had stories, and I was ready to listen to all of em’.

You see this cane here? He points down.

He held out this smoothly carved cane for me to witness with my eyes to confirm its au natural beauty.

I see it! 

I said, probably speaking too loud, doing that whole he’s older, so maybe he can’t hear judgement thingy that people do out of habit to older people.

Well I hand carved this baby myself. I sell em’ all around town. I’ve actually sold about 30 since last Christmas. Everybody knows me around here, even all the way over in the Filipines they are buyin’ muh canes.

He was on a roll, so I let him go on for however long.

Ya know, why pay 100 on the beach they all say when you can get a handmade one for 40 dollars?

That’s BEAR KANES I call em’, and I’m on Facebook.

That’s B-E-A-R…. he was spelling it out now.

As he slouched over and I listened with A Course in Miracles sitting in my lap, (my faithful companion), we waited our turn to be seen, as he continued, this guy knew everything about everything. He was a homeless person Guru and homeless himself. He was resourceful, way more resourceful than me. He wasn’t depressed, and he wasn’t unhappily homeless. His consciousness was up there. He was free. It was a clear moment of unraveling a little bit of my personal homelessness stereotype that I had acquired over my 33 years.

Catch ya’ around out there.

 I wave to Bear and I was on my way.

I left that day, not with a place to stay, but a head full of insight and a heart full of wonder.

Let the Homelessness Begin

As I write this, it’s been however many days since the last day in the house on the 21st. Surprisingly, we’ve spent only about half of them in the car. That wasn’t as many as I expected. My friend Sabryna and her family graciously gave us a place to crash for a few nights, and my aunt and my friend Michael got us a hotel stay for several nights as well.

Inconveniences?

There were obvious inconveniences. Like all the things I’d never really given thought to before.

Being on your way somewhere and then going: Oh shit never mind, and stopping home to use the bathroom!  Well, more like: time to find the nearest Walmart so that I can use the bathroom and might as well bring my toothpaste and toothbrush with me! Showering is also an eight mile drive. Womp womp.

And what if its 2am and you have to pee in the middle of the night? .

You get the picture.

Then there is needing to use your phone like its your laptop for everything. For whatever reason, I can’t charge anything in my car, so it took a few days to figure out which playgrounds have outlets and bathrooms. So far, I found one that has both, so, we go there…a lot. We’ve become playground, library, Mcdonald’s play center junkies. The kids are happy about that. But the play center’s don’t have outlets because of people like me!

The biggest inconvenience is actually flattening out the back of the car and removing alllllll the bags and groceries out of the trunk and piling them to the passenger’s seat each night so we can sleep in the back part of the car trunk. Then every morning, taking allllllll the bags from the passenger’s seat, fixing the back seats back to normal position and putting the roll up mattress away and bags back into the trunk! It takes an hour! Fuck me.

The Godvice Being Sent my way

The direct information from God no ego influence, or what I call the Godvice. Relaying the truth had become my life, and expressing this truth was my full time job now. The direction was clear. I would not use my time for making money any longer. I would not enter some work program, or hurry up and get a job to afford rent somewhere. I was completely willing to, like I mentioned, reactivate my nursing license months before and work. But the moment I became willing to work, the answer came in that I would not work.

Say wha?

You heard.

YOU AREN’T WORKING.

I couldn’t lie, it felt like the truth, although I didn’t know the, How Momma gonna pay the bills if she ain’t workin’ answer, but with God, I never knew the “how” at first.

I did know that it felt true.

It felt like the Triflin’ Troof.

As I continued to say yes yes yes to the Godvice, the next set of instructions was…interesting. Each Homeless resource center I went to, I had to tell them the truth the whole troof’ and nothing but the troof’. The whole part about me going through this “God in a body transformation” So imagine how that could go.

::::::::whistle blows and someone yells “302, we need a 302 and straight jacket for this lady, she’s claiming she’s God in a Body and homeless because of it”::::::::::

That actually happened in my family, not to me, but we’ll save THAT for another time!

Anyway, I roll up to the Peace Center at the Saddleback church in Lake Forest. This absolutely massive campus, not what you would imagine when you hear the word “church.”

I finally get my appointment after several days with the appointed resource person for homelessness. A kind guy, teddy bear looking kinda’ guy, I’ll call him John. Comes to greet me in the waiting room.

He introduces himself.

You have to forgive me, I’ve been out for family matters for some time, and I’m just getting back to the swing of things.

Oh what a great time this will be for him, I secretly thought.

 I was curious to see the reaction, this was one of my first, “Hi nice to meet you, busy becoming god in a body, because I’ve got a job to do, its called saving the world” introductions to a stranger, and I was curious to see how that would be taken up.

He was curious, baffled but had questions that matched his interest.

To my utter surprise.

So, ya know my wife, she mentions that the Holy Spirit talks to her all the time. I gotta’ admit I just must not be a good listener. So what is it like, when that happens?

I was, over the moon to describe the ins and outs of “how God talks to us, and God is us, we’ve just gotta realize this all over again” stuff.

Hey this is going better than I expected, I thought to myself.

Well honestly Jazz, what you are doing, I’ve gotta’ say, it takes a lot of courage, and not many people are willing to fully surrender to God the way you are. But when it comes to qualifying for a place to take you in…..

He didn’t have to finish, I already knew the rest.

I knew my being there had noting to do with finding a place to live. I was sent there to was to say it out loud. To walk in there, to be fearless, and tell them what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. That I had giving up everything in my life, just about, in order to follow God’s Will.

And here is the other reason.

As I continued to make phone call after phone call. I called homeless resource hotline  211 from my phone  they would direct me to a place, say, Fam Assistance Ministries a place that has a transitional living spot or somewhere else. So I called, or I’d show up. Here is how it went.

Sorry we are all filled up.

Sorry we don’t take children over the age of ___

sorry we don’t take children at all.

sorry you have to be employed.

Sorry sorry sorry. but everybody I mean everybody had a referral to give you, a database of homeless resource numbers, which happened to be the people you already spoke to the hour before that said they are full. It was clear to me, that I was being sent to these resource places, not to actually find a place to live, but to have a clear idea of just how sparse resources are for finding people a bed to sleep in if you are homeless.

Phone calls

I pick up the phone for my weekly check in phone call with Life coach Leah.

Hey Leah, sorry my connection is bad in here!

Life coach Leah was someone around August that I had met in that appointed God kind of way that I mentioned. We met to originally be life coach accountability partners but within the first conversation, she mentioned she worked at a homeless shelter, and she also mentioned God, a lot. She didn’t know about my journey and how there were homeless projects that I knew I’d be working on in the future. When I met her, I had no idea I’d end up homeless myself actually, but I knew me meeting her had a lot more to do with some upcoming plans and projects that we’d be finding ourselves working on together. 

At that point I had updated her, about my blog, and my own personal homelessness. She’d been there for progress updates each Monday since August. Life Coach goals became more like having one Goal for me. Following the Will of God, so my updates were pretty unpredictable. She expected as much.

And so yeah, that’s’ pretty much whats been going on in my week, I pace back and forth trying to get an okay signal at the YMCA,

Wow Jazz so in order to see how things were in Orange County, in order to venture into working on homelessness in OC you had to actually become homeless. You had to become it! It makes so much sense!

It was also becoming crystal clear, just how pertinent actually becoming homeless was to this transformation I was undergoing. I needed to know how things are, by becoming educated by it. And in order to be educated by it, I needed to live it.

As last week came to a close, I rounded the week up with a phone call to aunt Helen.

Yo.

Yo Jazz.

Just for the record, how does any conversation start in a normal way ever again? I chuckled to Auntie.

She laughed, yeah exactly, it goes something like this. 

So Jazz, How’s the homelessness going?

I reply already halfway into a hysterical laugh.

Funny you should ask. Homelessness never looked so good on me. 

As we simultaneously crack back howling in cackles barely able to catch our breath from the sudden burst of laughter. She adds in, 

That’s it, we are getting t-shirts made with two thumbs pointing towards you that say:

“Homeless Never looked So Good”

I was just about the say the same thing. I’ll order the t-shirts  in bulk cause Homelessness just became a “thang”.

We were done. 3,000 miles away from each other and yet falling over in laughter at a joke that not a single soul would understand if they overheard our harmless but hairy humor.

The truth was, this wasn’t a sad time. Not for me, or my family.

The truth was in our laughter, in all of our smiles.

I’d actually never felt so spiritually boundless, and so curious as to what would become of me, and of this rebellious trek. Homelessness had acquired such a terrible stigma, and it didn’t have to be dreary.

 The Surprise

Each night in the car, as I lay my head down, and squish my large body to the side of the car to try to give the kids as much room as possible. I wait to hear their peaceful snoring and stare up at the greasy cars ceiling from all the times the boys smear their chicken fingered hands on it.

Is this as “bad” as it gets? I remembered the fear of sleeping in the car playing in my head over and over again all of September once I knew that being evicted would be the next step in the becoming God in a body process and surrendering up the rest. I remember the fearful sensations in my body that I felt that would play like a broken record ever so often. They were for brief moments luckily, but the sensations were awful.

But then there I was, staring up at the ceiling as our hot breath fogged up the car windows. Living it. Where were those sensations? Where was the fear that would greet me from time to time? The little bit that I had, was gone. The minds version of this was way worse than my worse fear coming to life in realtime.

 And isn’t that how it always is?

When our minds dig into the worst case scenario. We live it like it’s here, (and in that moment it is here, in the ether, happening), and the fear, the shame and the guilt we feel is always way worse, compared to when the perceived catastrophe actually happens. It dawned on me, that if I was able to take on homelessness with an open heart, and fearlessly, what else could I be capable of?

 Oh shit, wait, God, don’t answer that yet. Give me a few days.

Homelessness just became a lot more valuable than I ever thought it was before. It just showed me what I’m made of.

I’m one solid mother fucker.

Who am I anyway? that’s right. A very very old soul.

A solid God particle that’s on her last “lifetime”.

I also learned that homelessness wasn’t nearly as dreadful as the stigma of it.

Or at least it didn’t have to be.

 It has to be God, otherwise, this shit don’t make sense. This story don’t make no sense. No one willingly volunteers themselves and their family to be homeless right? What could be fueling that? It sounds like insanity till you realize it isn’t. It was always a part of the plan. Of my plan. It had to be a part of this Rebel’s journey to Enlightenment. It had to be. I get it now.

It has to be God.

And all of it is.

A friend in Need

My heart wants to write about this today.

I’ve been on the receiving end of a lot of love, a lot of help, and even encouragement. To be in this position, to be the receiver of all of this, has been very healing for me. I had past stories in my mind for years that I allowed to still follow me. Back in Jasmine’s early days of adulthood, the help I was used to from others, in my mind usually came with strings. It came with rules, expectation, and control.

And this time around, I had a very different experience.

The Unconditional Help

There was a crew of people that I was surrounded by, I don’t know how it turned out that way, I actually do know, but lucky me. A crew of people that knew some of the in’s and out’s of what I was experiencing, because of their own Christ journey. They know that becoming the love of God is no easy feat, and it requires 100% commitment. A crew that knew that it takes a very strong determination to do what I’m doing. A crew that sees the willingness to be homeless as as a part of the plan as strength, not weakness or misfortune. Most of these people I met later in life, but one or two were family.

The Officer

I have to mention this lovely guy.

This officer went well out of his way, to let us stay in the house for 5 days after our lockout. Then, after us moving, he went well out of his way to make many phone calls on our behalf, to get us some information about shelter resources. He even took his work phone home with him each night, and continued to communicate with me several days after leaving the house. Forreal? I landed an angel.

My Family and Friends

I’ve pulled aunt Helen into this journey whether she liked it or not maybe almost a year ago, because I knew sooner or later, she’d catch on, and she has. She’s been one of my biggest cheerleaders, comedians and filling in any gaps with proactively taking the steering wheel and inserting assistance where she thought I could use it. No judgement towards me, just support on the phone. Me so lucky.

You’ve got my other buddy who hooked me up with my membership to the YMCA, for showers and workouts. A dear friend of mine since I moved to California 6 years ago. Deuces to you my friend.

Then there is my friend Sabryna and my sister Angela. I sometimes plug away at life, and I forget to stop and really ask for assistance. With these two, I never had to even ask over the last few weeks. It wasn’t a “let me know if you need anything,” or a “poor you, you must be so stressed out”.

It was more like a…

I support you, and I’m sending you money for gas, here is my house for a few days, I’m babysitting for free, we are coming to help you move.

They were just there, no questions asked, both of them.

My Ministerial Teacher and Group

This dear woman, I hope she doesn’t mind me calling her CJ here, has been there. She said to me the other week,

I knew from meeting you that the two of us have work to do together. I’m honored to be your mentor, and I am dedicated to you.

Her willingness to support my family has been, completely gracious. Max and Xander had the opportunity to go to one of the members son’s birthday parties. I had to be at the Agape International that day in Beverly Hills, so CJ was willing to be their chaperone for the party.

A few weeks ago over lunch, CJ gazes at me

If you are okay with this, I would like to throw a little birthday party for the boys.

So last weekend after class, the group surprises Max and Xander with a little birthday party. Cake, presents, and playtime. The twins were beside themselves.

Dude where do these people even come from?

Oh that’s right,

God.

Instead of feeling sorry, or bad for me. They noticed, the peace, the laughs, and the obvious strength that I was exuding from my “situation” which is not really a situation, it just is and the isness of it is a part of my God in a body process.

Unconditionally Giving Because It’s all God.

There is a different kind of help, that is not the same kind of help as the first one. I remember this funny scene from Nursing School. One of my professors was clear to mention,

Please don’t become that Nurse that is inching her back towards the exit door of the patients room and she says, “Well, let me know if you need anything.” Rather than her saying “Tell me what I can do to help?”

There is a huge difference between the two statements.

Or what about this kind of help?

Oh I feel bad that you are in this situation, so i need to help you.

Back in the day, I would’ve been the first one to give a homeless person money, because i felt “sorry” for them.

When this happens, we are giving from a place of guilt, a place of seeing the other person as suffering, and not whole. We are clearly not seeing them as God or anywhere near God, if we feel sorry for them. If we don’t see another through this God lens, then we can’t know ourselves as God either.

Once you open your eyes, you look around and you see life. When you see life and replace the word life with God. You move through the scenes of God without your own value judgements, of what is fortunate and misfortunate. It is all neutral, neither good nor bad. You see God, experiencing God through different scenes, different forms, and different experiences. All temporary, all impermanent, and ever-changing.

You see God as God experiencing homelessness.

You see God as God experiencing losing a job.

You see God as God experiencing God as even losing a child.

It is all God.

All of it.

And when the pain is there, when it just feels so unloving to call these events in life….God, thats okay too. Sometimes the truth of God can be seen as very unloving to person who is suffering. And thats understandable on every level. It could mean that the truth should be laid aside for awhile….

But back to what I was saying, us as people can choose to see a world apart from God as long as we choose to.

You can still choose to see an incomplete world.

You can choose to still see someone’s circumstances as unfortunate and feel sorry for them.

You can choose to not see the truth.

You can always choose to not see God in yourself and another.

It’s irrelevant to whether that person that you are looking at, knows their true God nature or not, or the truth in what they are experiencing. But it’s you, seeing them clearly for who they really are as they experience being homeless, being diagnosed with cancer, or losing all of their life savings.

The information that they are nothing less than the love of God is for us to know, and for us to keep. That knowledge is given to us for us to treat them from a place of unlimitedness, non judgement, expansion, and light.

Without the value judgements, and stepping into naked awareness towards another, the projections we place on what another is experiencing; what replaces this is a deepened respect. A respect in knowing that God in another is experiencing what it desires to experience whether consciously or unconsciously.

As you are giving to another from this space of no obligation, and no conditions and seeing another for who they really are…

You are directly and immediately giving to yourself.

The friends and family I have mentioned have completely mastered unconditional giving. The art of giving and receiving being one. It’s a secret that most people think is one of those sing-alongs that have no meaning. Even the bible has some truth that you can’t misinterpret.

Do unto others as you would yourself.

Love you neighbor as yourself.

Or this beautiful piece from ACIM.

When you meet anyone remember it is a holy encounter

As you see him you will see yourself.

As you treat him you will treat yourself.

As you think of him you will think of yourself.

Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself, or lose yourself. A Course in Miracles, T-8.III.P-9:1

Literally in this experience, They saw themselves as me, and me as themselves.

Envision a world on the foundation of each individual projecting self empowerment onto the world? Imagine seeing everyone as whole, and seeing the human experience as an endless river, that has different currents, speeds, currents and curriculums? Yet…

It’s just one ever flowing river.

All integrated, overlapping and continuous.

It always comes back to this.

There is only one of us here.

Preparing for Homeless

This is about the aftermath after October 10th, the Officer Coming to my house to drop off the eviction notice.

That video is here.

The Moves.

In September, some reorganizing started. One fun thing to watch, has been the parallels that continue to happen with people that are awakening themselves in my immediate circle. The people that I am also the closest to. As I inched myself closer and closer into the realization that yes, I would be moving, and yes I had no idea where to. Another breaking free of a fear came time. To talk to my sister who had lived with me exactly for two years in California.

The text went something like this.

Hey Angie, so I can no longer afford to live here in this house. I’m so sorry for the short notice. You are welcome to still stay with us but I don’t know what will happen next.

I repeat, it went something like that.

Unbeknownst to me, just two days before, Angela had come to her own realization after living with me for two years. She explained to one of her friends that,

no matter where she lived, she realized that her happiness wasn’t dependent on it, She realized that she was taking herself with her

She explained all of this to me. To hear her talk in that way, not that she wasn’t receptive before, but she literally transformed before my eyes in the last two years. And to be only 22! I was just. and I’m still just at a loss for words.

So don’t worry Jazz,

We stand across from each other in my bedroom on her lunch break, and she reassures me with a smile and a hug. She continues. I feel for some reason I am supposed to move back to New Jersey. It isn’t that I don’t love California I do, but it seems like something is there in Jersey, I’m not sure what. So the plan would be for her to move back to our mom’s apartment. Not that my mom was thrilled of the news.

Angie’s move date was set for Oct 16, the same day as her move to come live with me two years before.

Simultaneous to that, Laura, my brother’s gf (but I refer to her as my sister as well) was going through her own spiritual transmuting. Her and my brother although as close as can be for the last six years, did not have the relationship that Laura imagined. She imagined an unconditional one. One where the truth, where God was put first. One that wasn’t co-dependent on any level. She became determined to make that happen at any cost, even if it meant the two of them separating for some time, for however long. Sound familiar? Another Twin Flame dynamic. Hers paralleling with mine, and mine with hers.

So the timing once again, was set for Anthony, my brother to move back to my moms and out of Laura’s, a day or two before my sister’s arrival to the East Coast. Everyone starting right back where they started from. Good ole’ South Jersey. And my mom on the receiving end of this, being blindsided. Being hit with changes from every corner of her life, all at once. One kid enthusiastically welcoming homelessness, and two others moving home. 10 years from now this will make a GREAT laugh, and a great remember the time when… story.

Promise mom. Hang in there.

Oh, I’m not done.

It’s October 15th, and I’m watching the neighbors literally move IN to the house next to me. Parallel city. I couldn’t help but chuckle. All of my other neighbors although polite, secretly hated our existence because of my kids wild, rebellious ways, mainly the twins. They pee in the backyard, but who hasn’t at some point in life peed in their own backyard and ran around naked? We were the only family with young children pretty much on the street. But the family moving in next door, had two young boys. I peek through the window to see that they were already running around, barefoot and without pants on, in the front lawn for the world to see. Naked and not afraid. Hah!

The Final Sun

I’m watching the California sunset with my sister and Max and Xander, my boys, half hidden by the overcast. I think we both knew, that we were setting into a new beginning, that would be make us both unrecognizable yet again, just a year from then. Waves of mixed emotions overcame me as I watched the twins dance around a pregnant lady nearby who was in the middle of a very serious beach/glam/pregnant person photoshoot.

Whoops.

I realized I was getting very used to the rug being swept from underneath me. I was becoming very accustomed, to project nowhere and just be here, in presence. Anticipate no future step, and just….. watch the sunset. The thoughts were comforted by the peekaboo sunset view. Half hidden, and yet beautiful in the mystery of just, not knowing what was coming.

The next day as Angela is headed back on to the plane to Philly/Jersey, I realize, that up until then, I hadn’t made a decision. I was still stuck between fighting to stay in my current house longer, demanding that I get seen by the eviction court (I was never given a date to show up in court, I was just served eviction papers,) when deep down, I knew it was time to completely step into the unknown, just like that sunset. Just like my sisters’ and brothers full circled, new beginning.

And so, it hit me.

How was fighting to stay put in a house for a few months where I couldn’t pay the rent a good fit for everyone involved? It wasn’t. I was thinking about just my family. Not the company that bought the house, not the potential future renters that could benefit from living there. And that’s when I realized that my back and forth about should I fight to stay or leave…vanished.

Another it hit me moment.

Damien, my oldest son, 16, should avoid the storm and move back to Philly too I thought. Now this would require me asking my grandmother for assistance. Which, is not my favorite thing to do. I had experienced much “expectations” upon ever receiving assistance, especially from family members. I felt like the moment I accepted help, I in some way became obligated to become the martyr, to take a conversational beating. But I did it anyway. I asked for help.

She graciously accepted Damien to stay with her in Philly until at least through the Holidays. That at least was one relief.

As I drive back from Lax at 5 in the morning that Friday, Operation Storage unit was the name of the game now as I watched the few hundred dollars I have, turn into 50. And I looked at my pretty little baby grand piano back at home.

And knew that I was supposed to give it away. God business. It’s funny how when things are totally free, people become very suspicious. No one likes strings I guess. I put my $3,000 mini grand piano up on the app LetGo that I had bought 10 months before, for $200.

How sweet, I can pay my cellphone with it.

And, I found the buyer. I just knew she was the one.

Her beautiful response:

Just something about me I’m not sure why I’m so drawn to your piano but I grew up playing piano and violin I was my only solace in my family because I was very  Severely ADD extremely shy super bullied at home and in school music was my escape in my salvation and I haven’t had a chance to play for over a decade and have restaurants I saw your piano and you I needed to have it and it would be a fresh start for me to reclaim music without any of the negative things that I grew up with. t would be the world to me to be able to have your baby grand gorgeous white piano.I can’t think of anything had rather like from Christmas and my birthday which is a week after  Christmas than your piano. —

A little later, My dear friend Sabryna and her boyfriend help me get my tv off the wall and show me how my back seats to my SUV go all the way flat. Oh wow. I can take a lot more with me to the storage unit than I thought.

As I eyed the flat back on my SUV, I had a feeling that very quiclkly that’d be becoming our new bed for while.

The piano lady finally comes to get the piano. But not before engulfing me in what? take a guess. Prayer!

Lord Father God, please guide Jazz in this time, to know that you are with her every step of the way. Please give her the courage to keep one foot in front of the other and trust your every move….

I smile.

God sure knows how to pick em‘, I thought.

As I listened to her sincere concern, I could tell that she felt guilty. Guilty for taking the piano off my hands when she didn’t realize it was all a very deliberate part of the plan. Here is this prayer warrior standing in front of my living room, who landed herself, a brand new grand piano for almost for free. I could see how it looked to her. It looked sad. But I knew it was just one more step into the giving up for me. I stood there in the deepest internal knowing that giving and receiving are one.

I felt full of love. Full.

As half of my house was packed, and the other half I vowed to leave behind, (it just felt right), I woke up the next morning, Monday morning, knowing today would be “the day”. It would be the day where I had to leave the house willingly. The Officer who was due to lock me out, and never came back on Oct 16th. He told me, not to worry, her would give me a few extra days. And that was a kind move on his end. It was now that Monday, five days after the lock out date. I was ready to be the one to make the move first. I was physically tired, but spiritually filled up. I knew it was time to go.

go on now Bessie, get goin’ get outta here.

I sit quietly clutching with my final cup of coffee and a mug I’d leave behind. Xander turns to me, Mom you know what is a great idea. You should go to the wishing well, and make a wish.

I knew exactly what he was talking about. The little Make a wish Penny Fountain at the mall. “It’s funny Xander,” I started knowing not much of how much this my six year old would get. “I only have one wish, and it is to follow God. The money comes when it is time buddy.” He smiled at me, laid his head down softly in my lap, and I felt overwhelmed with appreciation for his suggestion.

I sent the kids to school, wrapped the house up, and said goodbye, to it. So much had happened. And I once again realized, that the person that walked into that house in 2016, was not the same person stading there waving farewell that day. My bedroom had become sacred ground to me in those three years.

The realizations. All of them, happened there. In that room.

It was a moment. A long moment that I had with the longest address name ever. EAST AVENIDA DE LOS LOBOS MARINOS.

Yeesh.

As I looked at the date, October 21, I thought of October 14, 2014, the day I landed in California 5 years before. The beginning of the real beginning.

….and here we were again. At another beginning to an even bigger beginning.

I sat in the driveway and fired on my cell phone.

I wrapped it up with an email to the officer and left the God stuff out.

To: Officer __

From: Jasmine Elder

Subject: Jasmine Elder Lock-Out

I couldn’t find anyone to help with some information on getting a court date, before being locked out.
It will remain a mystery as to why i wasn’t given a court date I guess.
I’ve officially given up. Thank you for the extra days at the house, that was very helpful. 
The house is locked up, and the key is under the mat. I could not afford take any of the belongings that we left, they can throw it all out.
Thanks. 

I found myself in Mission Viejo, not entirely sure what to make of the day, I decide to go for a stroll in the mall.

And as I pace back and forth back and forth from upper level to the lower level, I see something from the corner of my eye.

OMG, how could I have forgotten.

The penny fountain! As I get a closer look. I see it. All the wishes, all the pennies were gone and the entire well was dried up, except for a little bit of dirty water hanging out as a remembered of what used to exist. I hadn’t even thought about going to the mall because of the wishing well, and here I was standing in front of it.

I couldn’t help but see the symbolism. The well was how things look. How they “looked” hopeless. To the point where all of the wish making was gone. And so, I dug around in my back pocket and found a dime. I was gonna make a wish, at Xander’s request.

And I knew which one I was gonna make.

No matter where this road goes, no matter what I have to lose, no matter how bleak things “appear” to look on the outside, I will follow the Will of God, I will stay with truth and I will stay with peace.

That’s it.

Thats my wish. And it was clear, that that that wish had already been granted by me to me.

Jazz Check this out.

A text later in the day from my sister.

On the way back to Philly you could see the shadow of our plane in the clouds. surrounding the shadow of the plane the whole video

is a rainbow.

As I watched the video, I could clearly see it. I was even happier to see how my sister was paying attention to the miracles all around us now. She had cracked the door of spirit open. Her life would never be the same.

I knew the meaning. All the moves were just as they should be.

Laura and Anthony

My sister,

Damien

and me.

Everyone is exactly where they should be. Following the will of God, and to think that this is all just getting started…..

And so there I was without a home and overwhelmed with an abundant amount of peace.

Shocker.

Operation Homelessness Preparation complete.

The Love I had Before This Love

If you are wondering at this point, Okay is this B for real? Is her life, her past, was it really all this? How could one person have so many moving parts, so many unusual stories all in one? I wish I could answer that question. It’s legit for real. Well as it pertains to living in an illusionary world, it’s legit. My consciousness had plans to have a wild as F platform in this lifetime. Okayyyyyy Boi. As crazy as some of these stories are, there isn’t one beefy bit that I’d change. Especially now since I’m less of a character in my movie, and I’m observing the reel on the projector screen and enjoying all of the colors whiz by.

Yipeeee!

Okay anyway, this post has to do with the man I once knew that played a very important role in my journey to where I am now. He has no idea, and as I send this post to him after writing this, it will all be news to him. And probably very hard for him to hear, but maybe not.

We are going back to New Jersey, to 2013 for this part of my life. One day, like many many many days, I was perusing the internet. And stumbled upon an ad. I wish I still had it. It was a Sugar Daddy Seeking a Sugar Baby post. But this ad, was long, and it had an overly detailed, militant feel to it. This guy seemed to know what he wanted man. I almost didn’t responded to it, because it seemed so high maintenance for my taste. But I did.

SD in search of intellegicent, classy, beautiful SB

Something like that. Weeks later we met in good old Atlantic City, Harah’s and I was nervous as hell.

I met him, and he seemed nice, easy going, way different than the ad he had posted so I silently phewed. He mentioned he wanted to get together about once a month or so. That seemed reasonable. I was open but skeptical of his consistency. The Sugar/escorting/prostitution blah blah all the same business is very inconsistent, just like many service industry businesses. People talk a mean game about being the best, most reliable client you ever had. Blah blah blah.

Many times, someone’s your client and poof they aren’t anymore. Now this guy, we will call him Jonathan, he’d laugh at that name. Now Jonathan you see, he wanted to be the only one.

Oh boy here we go I thought, another one that has the illusionary “I’m the only one” syndrome going on. WORK WORK WORK, I thought, but I went along with it for months until I couldn’t bare the lies anymore.

As the weeks and then months went by, I actually grew quite fond of this guy. He was funny, really funny. Twice my age, also married, although I never made someone’s marital status my business. We would go to lunch, among other “things” and sometimes go shopping. Then it turned into occasional day trips to Baltimore for some Crab cakes, baseball games all kinds of things. These day trips turned to night trips; Boston, Cape Cod and good ole’ NYC.

I couldn’t help but admit as the months went by, that I really looked forward to spending time with him. But at the same time I really couldn’t believe it.

I was surprised. And a little mad at myself.

I started to consider him to be a best friend. I noticed my hard edges, my protective mechanisms that I had worked so hard to create, especially in the sex work industry, the rigidities started to melt away. I remember one time I said I’m just so surprised that I spend so much time with you, and I’m not annoyed by you. You grew on me.

Like mold? He chummed back.

LOL that was my way of saying, hey you are sumthin’ to me, and there is sumthin’ to this.

As I approached the summer perhaps it had been 4-5 months at this point, I knew that I had to tell him my plans for the following year. I had to tell him that I was leaving for California. I could tell that he had no intentions of disappearing and ending this arrangement suddenly. I had developed feelings and the thought of hurting him was tough. As we strolled around the mall, we did that a lot, I got the courage to say it.

I don’t know how to tell you this, but next summer, in about 11 months, I have plans to move to move to California.

As the relationship continued over that following year, nothing on my end was held back. I knew I had somehow fallen in love with him. Against all logic. So for me, with love comes truth all the truth. The naked on the freeway in bumper to bumper traffic truth. I let everything out and I mean errrr-thang. The fact that I was seeing other clients, my oh so wild past and life and that I was leaving for CA. As he digested all of it, he was able to come clean about his “other” women too, and his wild escapades. In some areas, he had me beat. At one point he even drove me around to be my chauffeur while I popped around to see other clients. I asked his opinion on how I should respond to such and such requests from this client and that. The whole thing, well, it was completely liberating to just be stark naked in truth, together.

Besides our laughs, that was the most magical thing about being with Jonathan. I taught him to tell the truth by just being a pure example of it always. I showed him how it looks to to hold nothing back. He was not used to that. Most people aren’t. I taught myself how important the truth is from the practice that I had in that relationship.

And That Stuck With Me.

Now as the end of the year in 2014 approached I knew the end of our relationship was nearing. There was all this talk of staying best friends and talking all the time. Or him moving to California, and leaving his whole world behind. But deep deep down, I knew what it was. He was a catalyst of love for me as I was for him. I didn’t know what for at the time. But I knew deep down that that relationship had a specific beginning and end. It was real, but it was time sensitive. I could feel so clearly that California was where the road would end for us.

At the time I didn’t imagine ever falling for someone again, falling in love again I mean. I figured it’d make sense to brand myself in some sort of way, so that when I moved, it would remind me of that year and a half. Like I said, it really was somethin’ else.

So I changed my last name to his. Because I wanted a symbol to remember the love by.

And as the rumors ran around in the family that I hadn’t even mentioned Jonathan to.

Are you married?

Some friends and family would ask. I really didn’t put much effort up to explain anything. Sometimes I get secret entertainment out of sitting back and watching people come to their own conclusions I guess.

It was my little secret. I changed my last name to remember the secret love that I once had, that I decided I’d never have again.

After changing my name, every time I said the last name “Elder” I’d feel a little twinge of delight, of remembrance.

That love taught me how to pivot onto the road of loving someone unconditionally. I’d never practiced such total transparency before until Jonathan. I had such a pure existence, living and being the truth in that relationship, and my ability to feel that again came from the practice I had with Jonathan.

The love I had for him was a catalyst to me falling in love with my twin flame, with Judas….and from there, the deepest love of all. The pure unrefuted, unconditional love for myself, love for God that was in truth the love I had been searching for all along.

Now my capacity to love has further evolved because I have evolved since 2014. To think I was able to love again, and then to experience love at this magnitude, the love that I have for Judas. I’m speechless. How Cheesy, but I am. Speechless.

Jonathan pops into my mind from time to time and here is what I hope for him. I hope that through the pain and anger of losing our relationship, that he not only finds peace, but can eventually see the reason why I showed up, as I’ve discovered the reason why our paths crossed and what purpose it brought to my path. I hope he can see that it was the liberation, the freeing himself from truth that was the gift that I brought him. To live a life unafraid of what the consequences are of being transparent. That was the reason all along that I showed up.

When the pain subsides and we can see clearly, you can see relationships for what they were, they were always the most valuable for the creative value they brought, and the lessons and truths you learned about yourself. It has been years, since I’ve moved. 6 to be exact almost to the date.

And I can only hope, that his heart is free like mine is 🙂

When they Think You’re Cray, and that’s Okay

Or delusional, or on drugs, or in a cult.

See parts of this story, I did know about before it happened. I had hints to knew which people in my life would be on the in crowd when it came to this journey I was undertaking in the beginning. Meaning which people would hold space for me, whether they believed me our not, they just held space.

They either met me later in my life, or had a dis-identified relationship with me. What I mean by dis-identified, is they weren’t wrapped up in who I was in relationship to a particular identity that they associated me with. For instance, take my younger sister. She lived with me for the last two years, and our relationship is more like a close friendship rather me as “the big sister”. Because she wasn’t heavily wrapped up in the identity of the “sister” she was able to expand her mind further out into knowing me as a person who was going through a very intense spiritual something.

Same thing as my Aunt Helen. Now she isn’t heavily wrapped up in the identity of me being her niece, she is my best friend. So there is equality in the relationship, and no heavy identifications to skew perceptions. Same thing for my sister in law Laura. Closeness, and outside of the identification stuff of “big sister”.

The people who supported me, a few of them in some cases had, physically witnessed with their own eyes the transformation that I had started to undergo, and some of the miracles that had followed around my transformation. Since March, I was in this wonderful Course in Miracles discussion group with a lovely group of about 10 people in Tustin. Things were happening to me that you just couldn’t make up. These gems, my people, they were so close to the situation, and they nothing but provide arms of and support for I went through a tough transition (and ongoing). All the way down to me blurting out through tears, I’m Mary Magdalene and we are walking into the Second Coming of the Christ.

My group on Monday nights for How to Become a Christ. They hadn’t known me as long as the other group, only since July 2019, but they were going through their own physical processes of God-realization. They were going through their own transformations, and so many of them got it.

Then, there was everyone else.

My Grandmother, mother, and aunt and many other people that I shared the blog with a this particular time, that I didn’t know on a deep deep level. I will at least say, that when it comes to my mom, she’d go down defending me towards anybody till the end. Cuz ain’t nobody messin’ with my daughter you hear? Gotta love her for that momma cub stuff. There may still be judgement and misunderstanding, but underneath it, there is a deep loyalty that she has to me as her daughter. I do appreciate it. But my grandmother? My other Aunt? No. The capacity simply isn’t there to bring either of them to any level of understanding. So, naturally, they think I’m in a cult.

My twin flame would be supportive if I was around more, but he still doesn’t understand, and he also doesn’t have the capacity right now to understand. But he would at least like to understand on some level, so that he can again come to understand me. That I sense, so he gets points for that. But distance is just the right thing for now. Words don’t teach! I think that’s Abraham Hicks’ line actually.

So then, who is my people?

They all are in truth, my people. They are me. It’s all God.

Generally speaking even if someone is wrapped up in separation from the truth. Even if they are confusing love with fear, projecting judgements, demands, and guilt onto you, they don’t become not your people. Everyone is the Christ. Whether they realize this themselves or not, whether they live separately from God or not, caught up in the illusion of separation, of judgement and of fear, they are still God. It all is.

Now, does that mean that I or you entertain their misperceptions, entertain their dream of separation, of duality? Nope. We just see them clearly, for the truth of who they are in every moment.

Does it mean that I have to keep them all physically close to me during this process that I’m going through? Nope. The body’s that separate us have nothing to do with how near or close we are to another.

Does it mean that I love them not because I choose to be physically distant? Nope, in truth there is no distance in the mind of God.

Love has nothing to do with how near someone is in your life or not. It also has nothing to do with entertaining, placating, or being obligated to comply out of family obligation, guilt or anything else.

On another note, Speaking of being Called Crazy…

If Jesus Never Called Himself God, How did He Become One?

As I took that in, I said this to myself.

Do you really think you’ll realize your true nature, if you are too afraid to tell the world who you are?

Now I had already done so much cleaning out, and so much healing. That fear within me is very faint. When the news came in that I had to upload the youtube video the night I found out what my mission was for the Second Coming, from that moment on, the next step was to always tell the truth even to more of an umpteenth degree that I had.

What is it again?

I am God, and so are you.

God is love and so are you.

See people with Jesus missed that what Jesus really did was Jesus realized his true nature and shared it with the rest of us. That’s it! That’s what he did. It’s the nature that all of us posses, but we are walking around as God with amnesia remember? He done WOKE UP. Then he had to not keep the information to himself, see you have to proclaim it once you know it. Not because it makes you special but because it is the truth!

So I told the truth. And the more I said it, the more I became it, and I’m still becoming it, every day and every moment. For the realization of God through the eyes of human separation is a journey.

What is God?

Love. Unconditional, the eternal essence. That’s it.

But Wait!

Was I willing to proclaim this at the expense of everyone thinking I’m crazy except the 15-20 people I mentioned? Hell to the Nizzy, yes. (leave me be, I make up words!)

At the expense of losing some friends, and having physically distant relationships with family members? Damn Skippy.

At the expense of no one believing me!? Of course!

By why! Why! WHY?

Because it’s all God for me now. I’m too far into the God journey to turn back. That is what happens. It’s what will happen to you when you want it to, or perhaps its already started. When this journey back home to love picks up momentum, it is the only journey you want to be on. You are consumed with the truth, with peace, with knowing the God that you are. You are willing to put anything on the line for the truth of who you are. You’ll look crazy but you see the world clearer and clearer with each yes you give to loving unconditionally. You can have your entire family and network angry with you. You can have anything taken away from you. Anything. Because you know what happens next.

Everything that comes back, comes back in truth. Comes back as God.

Nothing Real Can be Threatened.

Nothing Unreal Exists.

Herein Lies The Peace Of God

ACIM Introduction 2.

There is only one of us here.

The Car Accident

It is funny that even so far along on this path, I still think, oh well there will never come a day where I will share that piece of information will I? If the human me wasn’t almost fully integrated into the God me, this as a normal person, would be such a tough thing to write out. The voice that tries to scream,

Don’t share that!

You could scare someone.

You’ll sound crazy.

It’s just so faint now. The voice of fear is a weak, wimpy whisper.

Spring 2019

I’ve mentioned different time lines of different extra-sensory abilities, unlocking at different points. Remember I mentioned that it was around spring when the origination of my consciousness or “soul” was revealed. I had already at this point, started to become distant towards my Twin Flame Ben/Judas. The more information that would come in, the more I would integrate, and then this would create more and more of a gap between us that I couldn’t fill.

It got to the point where what was there to talk about? What would I say when he asks,

Him: Hey, What’s going on Jazz?

Me: Oh ya know, just going through the process of becoming God in a body and all, becoming the love that I am, and pretty much shedding off an old layer of myself each week, and patiently waiting for your awakening process to start.

Me: Oh, and how are you Judas?

Clearly, there were no words to bring him into understanding me and there never will be words. In the same way I’ve experienced God, and that is how I’ve come to know the truth of what I’m doing here, he’d have to too if that’s part of his path. Words don’t teach. Experience does. I went through my ups and downs of acceptance of this, sometimes days where I felt completely isolated, and walking into a world of God that although would prove to be more real, and more magnificent, it was all one big mystery as to what I was walking into, and I was definitely walking into it alone.

So a few weeks before I was headed to Philly, the information presented to me was that me and Judas, were in on this together. But there was nothing, I mean nothing, on his end externally that was showing even slight signs of his own Christ awakening.

So one day I’m home, relaxed, but still confused. So I start talking. To me. The real me. Otherwise known as God.

Me To God: Yeah, But how is this whole situation going to shift, how does an unawakened person just, poof realize God, realize their life purpose, overnight? What the fuck?

Okay, it’s more like a rap.

The information maybe came in a few days later. As I lay in bed one night, eventually relaxed, I started to see flashes. Flashes of a car, an accident, flashes of a hospital bed, and flashes of Judas being in the bed. Flashes on me kneeling at his bedside along with his family.

Round and around my mind went. I decided

NO, even if it is true, I can’t handle it. I decided to check in with one person.

I have not mentioned her much just yet, but my sister in-law Laura, went through her own very deep awakening process around the same time I did. She was also getting flashes of information overnight, visions.

So I sent her a text.

Hey Laura, this is weird but there is something about Judas. Something that is to go on with him in the future. I can’t tell if its good or bad. When you meditate, will you let me know if you get anything?

I kept the information that I was getting private, because I didn’t want her to be influenced in anyway by what I was seeing. After I didn’t hear back from her, I decided to put it all in the back of my mind. Seal it away, and try to forget about it.

The Flashes of the Future

So now several weeks later I am traveling. It always feels like magic to me hopping off of a plane and poof! I’m on the other side of the country. So now there I am visiting Philadelphia for my aunt Helen’s wedding. Long rides in the rental car, visiting this family member and that family member. Ping ping ping.

I’m spending time with Laura and my brother Anthony, we are kicking around at my moms house on the couch. I say goodbye to them, I was headed down to the shore.

See y’all at the wedding. I wave back as I slam the door behind me.

As I hop in the car I realize, shoot let me run back in to get my charger.

I go back inside, and Laura has a worried look on her face and

starts with,

Laura: Jazz, I’ve been wrestling with telling you this for a few weeks, because I really don’t know what it means. But as I meditated, when it came to Judas, two words came up, just two words. Car accident. I cant tell if its him specifically, or if he’s somehow involved.

FUCK. FUCK FUCK.

Just that one conversation that day between me and Laura, unlocked more details over the following weeks in my awareness and hers. More flashes and details came in. This was us the night of the wedding. Laura is on the right.

As I huffed and puffed from a beach run about about a month later in June, catching my breath between the flashes of information coming in. I started writing myself a text on my phone.

Me to God: I don’t know what to do. I can’t see him. What the fuck is the purpose of me knowing this beforehand? I can’t even look at him. I can’t see him. I’m not telling him this. I’m not doing it.

And, no I’m not done, how is a car accident going to bring him to awaken? It still doesn’t make sense. It would take a whole lot more than just that. There has to be more to the story.

I started to get flashes, of someone else, in the car. He was driving, but apparently, he wasn’t alone and I still don’t even want to think about it or write about it. And I still don’t.

I knew there had to be more to the story. I knew it’d be only a matter of weeks before somehow it would be revealed.

One ordinary evening in July, snuggled up and just about ready for my early ass bedtime, Laura texts me.

Laura: It all came in in meditation. With the car accident, Judas is going to have a Near Death Experience, an NDE, that is what is going to occur. That’s how he will come to know God and awaken to his true purpose. Youtube it. There is so much online about them.

The most severe goosebumps attack my body, and the wave of knowing came in. Everything she was saying, was instantly confirmed. I dizzily spit back text after text.

Just as she texts me more information back about what she saw, about the NDE, I crank my neck around to the tv behind me, as if in on our texting the character on the tv says.

“My brother had a near death experience and it was the best thing that ever happened to him in his life. We are now closer than ever.

I look over to see who’s even watching the tv and what it could be. I check the tv, a random you tube video that one of my twins happened to be watching. I snatch the remote from my son Xander and I rewind to hear the words one more time.

It was best thing that ever happened to him in is life. We are now closer than ever.

I wanted to know the purpose of this information coming in. I wanted answers and I got them.

The Future is always Now

So how is a thing like premonitions even possible?

I was still thinking to some degree that God is somewhere out there. I am God. And as I’ve taken a journey back into that awareness, God resides in the present moment. Within every now moment, the past, present and future possibility exist as one continuum. What the information wont provide is a set timeline for any occurrence. In the now there is no time, months and years are our humanistic creation.

But the future isn’t predetermined?

Yes and no.

Every possible outcome, every effect to every cause, is already predetermined by you, by God. But the one you choose on this platform called “earth”, is always up to your free will. Think of a video game. Every possible move, level, achievement and score is already written onto the software of the video game. You can play the game, and choose from move to move where you go and what you do. But every possibility, already exists, and you experience it in the game, based on your ability to unlock that particular possibility.

You see as humans, we are creating our future in every moment of the now, with our thoughts, either consciously creating, or unconsciously mis-creating our reality. It isn’t a God out there, punishing us or holding a scroll revealing our predetermined fate out for us to see ahead of time. It is us as humans, as god with amnesia, sealing our fate in each moment that we choose to create with our thoughts. It’s just that people don’t realize that they are choosing their future in every moment, so they often make causes that lead to effects or outcomes in their life that they don’t want to see on a conscious level. So, what happens in an awakening like the one that happened to me, is you completely tap into the now. Within the now, resides the future information in which you or another person is pivoted towards.

Can a premoniton be wrong?

I want to answer this in a certain way. God is always in the now, right here as the hidden and totality of who we are. Every occurrence that happens in the now, is absolutely perfect. So for reasons beyond my level of human understanding, in the now, a particular vision is shown to me. It’s my job to receive, and invest nothing into what I saw and be open to all possibilities outside of what I saw, also including the possibility I saw. Many a times I’ve seen/heard something at a particular time from God, and months later, I realize how important it was for me to see/hear what I heard at that given time regardless of changes that occurred in what I heard. Cause it pivoted me further in a direction of growth

Can the future be changed?

On another note from the above paragraph, Yes. But it is up to the person. Future changes are not likely for human beings that are creating with their thoughts from a place of the past. Their mind is not in the present moment and with a mind in the past, the causes they make are also products of the past. Therefore they are walking into a predetermined future or “effect” to the cause. But is changing the future possible? Within each moment, it is possible to change the future.

Let me talk more abut the now, and how the past present and future are one. I am deliberately over simplifying this explanation to make a point. Look at these spirals of dominos.

Lets call each individual colored spiral a track. Track Green is the green dominos, and Blue is the blue dominos. Lets focus on those two sets of dominos and not the other colors. Now within track Green, look at each individual green domino as a cause and effect or “outcome”. Lets say in the now, I tap into track green. Regardless of what point I am on on track green, I can behind me and see all the causes and effects of the past, and I can look ahead of me and see all of the causes and effects of the future related to the green track.

But then somewhere along the line, a cause/intention/decision is made that pivots me onto track blue, the blue dominos. At any point in the continuum of blue dominos, now the future you are walking into has completely changed, because the causes you are making in your life have changed.

Now the truth is there is an infinite number of “domino tracks”, that hold future possibilities, not just six. And God, the real you, knows every infinite possibility of past/present/future continuums that exist in the now. Just people living as a god with amnesia, only have conscious access in the now, to a limited amount of information or “tracks”.

This is an observation not a judgement. But this is why you can know someone, not see them for ten years, and they are singing the same song they were singing 10 years ago. Same money problems, same relationship problems, same family problems. It is because they are operating at the same level of cause making that they were 10 years ago. They were on the “green track”, and they are still on the green track 10 years later. Living from the past and walking into a predetermined future.

Me

When it comes to what is to come possibly in the future, I have to do my part. Which is to be there when the time is right. I will be by his side, and out of hiding, when the time comes, one way or another. I have to keep my emotions out of this, and understand that we all choose what future we want to walk into and it simply isn’t my choice. I’m the observer. The truth is, I love him. And in no way do I want physical harm to come his way, but I have to accept that it isn’t my choice. It has been very hard to carry this information for as long as I have in silence and writing this out has been an outlet for me. I see as this blog has continued, many of it’s posts involve me revealing privately kept information, that turns into me healing a fear as I write it out and express it to the world.

I can only imagine, what I will be writing about in the “future”.

Update: To anyone who may read these out of order. In the beginning of this journey, I met Judas (Ben) in 2017. I was not told that Jesus/Yeshua was incarnated as well. Judas for me at the time that I wrote this, acted as a catalyst to the awakening of the Feminine Christ within me. Judas, Mary and Jesus are all of the same consciousness expressed three ways. It turns out that much of the prophetic visions that I saw, involving Judas were indeed actually visions involving Yeshua but I hadn’t met Yeshua just yet. Because of the love of God that I found first through Judas, and everything I went through, I walked right into the arms of my Yeshua in January 2020.