Please read Twin Flame The Beginning first if possible. The total time of this journey has been two years, and yet the amount of healing, realizations and transformations I’ve gone through has been what someone would go through in lifetimes rather than in a two year period. This jacked up speed of enlightenment came from my eventual willingness to want the truth and only the truth. The truth in me.
Saying I love you
I was completely confused by why I felt so deeply for someone, in a way I couldn’t even put into words. Because of his emotional unavailability, I would flip between confusion and disappointment but quickly rebound into total love again especially during the first year. It was such a quick recovery, it was like the love was so consuming, staying upset with him was not possible. But the desire to spend time with him, the internal magnetic pull to want to be next to him, it was there, and I was embarrassed by it. I’d never been that way before towards a man. I was quite enthused by the thought of never being with a man for about six years before meeting him.
So as I chanted back in November, and my life purpose came through.
You are here for expressing Truth using the creative vehicle of writing/teaching and healing.
It made complete sense. I had always had an indescribable urge to to tell the truth and you’ll see me go into much detail about that truth in many of my posts.
So then the first step, was about a month later, I was awoken by a voice. A mental voice. I checked my clock 2:30 am. You must tell him how you feel.
Over and over the voice ran. I looked at the date, Nov. 19, 2019 my father’s birthday who had passed away 5 years before. I knew that I had to tell B the truth. That I was completely in love with him, and I couldn’t bare to keep it a secret any longer. After all, we’d been best friends and spending time together for a full year. I had one of those fitbit watches on, and my pulse normally is 50 bpm, well for 9 hours before seeing him that night, it fluctuated between 130-140 bpm. The thought of becoming vulnerable, of telling a man that I loved him, (and I knew there was no chance in hell that he’d admit it back), well I was petrified. I’m a tough cookie remember?
He agreed to stop by that night, and I did it, I said it.
It was so clear that he was in love with me as well, but the most he could mutter was, “Yeah I have feelings for you, (and jokingly) but if you fuck with me I’ll throw you on the highway.” Let’s just say that a warm delivery linguistically isn’t the guys strong suit. But the way I felt when he left, it was like a recalibration of energy that was expended or tied up, had now come back to me now that I had told the truth. I had felt that same sensation a month later when I walked away from my job.
He’s Your Twin Flame
So this mental voice continued and I said yes to whatever I heard, by this new, downloaded information from the universe thing. The more I said yes, the more information would unlock. Precognitive information about what was to come. Information about another person as soon as they’d open their mouth to speak to me. And sometimes the loop to reveal the information was so strong, it was as if I didn’t have a choice. I had to tell them whatever God wanted me to say, or else the loop would continue for days.
Fast Forward, It was just a month later when I heard the words from God (me, not realizing me and God were one in the same), “Twin Flame”. I couldn’t remember the meaning, but I thought of that old Greek story of how we were born with 4 arms and legs and then were split into two, forever searching for the other half of our soul? It went something like that I knew. That night a random twin flame video feed came on youtube. As I watched and listened, my jaw dropped, and I started to shake in disbelief. Everything that the video described, was exactly what I was experiencing with B. So of course the ego wanted to just make sure, so I watched another and another and another video, till I really felt I had a handle on all of it.
My Ping Pong Phase
At that time, I was still very attached to outcome, I was eagerly imagining the process of B waking up to the truth of our connection, and breaking free from the karmic relationship that he was in with another woman. So as I worked on my own triggers, I would wait to hear from him, hoping that perhaps things were starting to move on his end spiritually. He liked to be in control, and I didn’t mind, so I let him reach out whenever. He had major intimacy issues, so we hardly ever had sex, and what surprised me, was he was the one person that I wanted to be intimate with.
Everything that I desired in a connection: openness, intimacy, affection, honesty, he had a very weak relationship with. It broke me at that time. We would spend time together and sometimes, in our conversations, he would ‘get there.’ His vibration would raise, he would let some of the bullshit go, the false masks, and he would just be himself. But it seemed like as soon as he would get to that level, the next time we’d spend time together, he’d veer his body to the far end of the couch, hardly crack a smile or make any eye contact. He would retort back a snarky remark or he would make a lower vibrational statement masquerading as a question and I would instantly feel the trigger within me. He would drink every time we would spend time together, I mean every time. He wouldn’t necessarily get drunk, but I could see that it was a crutch for him, and a direct block to being able to truly connect with him. For the first year, I joined in on the drinking, but as I started to wake up, literally the taste for alcohol, especially regularly, just about vanished.
So we would bounce back and forth between, really deeply connecting, laughing, and sharing just about everything with eachother. He would gush over different work projects he was working on, and I’d enthusiastically listen. Then we’d bounce back into not communicating on the same level, so there would be a communication break down. When the latter would happen I disappear from sight to heal my triggers and take some distance and time to heal again. I would become quite sad for a day or two, and then I’d like a magnet, get pulled back into feeling that indescribably love for him. At that time, I was attached to wanting to be physically close. I was willing to see him as little or as often as possible, based on his wishes. The upcoming trigger to be healed within me, was setting boundaries.
From Jan 2019 to May 2019, my psychic abilities were increasing as well as the amount of peace I felt. I started to feel only peace in other areas of my life, but when it came to B, I would still bounce back and forth. Around my birthday, when he didn’t show up to come out for my birthday because he was busy spending time with his karmic we will call her Tess, or someone else who knows, I knew it was time to pretty much separate till further notice. We had one more time of spending time together, I felt it in my gut that I shouldn’t have gone, and for the first time, I left his house in tears.
I drove away and I heard from God,
That just unfolded exactly as planned
For me, there was an immediate shift into “operation self healing” that night.
Operation Self Healing
After a few days, the journey became about me, and for the first time it was just about me. From May till now, I mainly removed my concern as to whether he was starting to wake up or not. As soon as I would start to wonder if ‘progress’ was being made over there, I would feel the awareness of peace’s presence disappear for I was getting on my tippy toes trying to check out for the presence of my preferred outcome.
At this time I was doing both books: “A Course in Miracles”, and “How to Become a Christ.” I was involved with several study groups over the summer. And as I learned more deeply the material and made it my job to be committed to, removing the blocks to loves presence as the course puts it, everything became about maintaining this state of inner peace I felt. I started to notice, that in stillness and in helping others, I felt a constant overflow of love that was let me tell you, unshakable. Through out the summer, it became the only thing I wanted to do. As I only focused on my healing and helping others, my journey took the fuck off, from 50 mph to 10,000 mph. I took my healing my misperceptions to new levels. It wasn’t just about B, it was about all of my misperceptions of men in my entire life.
Anyways, my suffering ceased, my body stopped responding to anger or fear, I would wake up in tears overwhelmed with joy. I would look at someone and immediately feel and see their pain in my body, and all of my prejudices towards them would be instantly dropped. I could physically feel just like with B, how separated each person felt from God. While I was on this Heal your Trigger Train ride, this is what hit me to heal.
Being Unappreciated/Not supported
As I healed these triggers, I became lighter, literally. I remained in a continual state of compassion towards B. I deeply realized that he was holding space for me to heal, really heal all of my hangups that have been with me perhaps for thousands of years, he just wasn’t playing that role consciously. I had asked for him to play this role for me in this lifetime. I had just forgotten.
Sometimes the ego would try its best to trick me and pretend that a trigger was healed, and I would go out and be with B again. But as he would stare at the Tv and zonk out while me being mid sentence of me telling him about my cousin who passed away or some other deep subject, it wasn’t long till the trigger would pop right back up and I would go back to feeling the wounds again.
Distance With Updates
When I would have huge breakthroughs with healing, I would feel the energy physiologically come back to my energetic vortex. When this would happen, I would get instructions to see B, only for purposes of updating him on what was happening to me spiritually. The guidance was never to tell him everything, but he was supposed to know about the Twin Flame bit among other things. He at least was spiritually open, but he didn’t understand everything. As soon as I’d share the information, I would typically leave his place.
So anyway, me updating him every few months, was like a energetic dump of information that would help the ascension on his end. But after I shared, I had to back off again so that the integration process could take place. For the first time, I watched the B’s ascension process from a birds eyes view. Now when the ego would do its best to kick back in, I would feel this:
Annoyed that I was “doing all the work”
Uncared for, alone and by myself on this journey but it “wasn’t fair.”
Feeling hopeless that me and B would never be able to connect again because he would never accept the changes within me because I related to people very differently now.
Impatient that he hadn’t gone through his transformation yet.
Annoyed, so annoyed that all he seemed to care about was surface based stuff. Making money, his job, and hanging out with friends and drinking.
Now the ego at this point didn’t have much airtime, I would observe the shift in my thoughts and emotions and I would know that I was off course. Sometimes I’d go down for a day, but I’d bounce right back.
Making the Cross Into Enlightenment….Finally
Now I’m on the God frequency just about all the time, and that is where B is truly in formlessness. So I feel him in truth everyday. He isn’t in my suffering, the blame and the pain. I’m disconnected when I feel those things. B is perfect, he always was. It was just the stories of my past that skewed my perception of his perfection.
The continuous peace came and only came, when I stopped focusing on my journey as one, separate unit. As I moved out of being Jazz and I became the world, I realized that this world needs people to live from their true nature. I became God in a body. My life became about aiding others to realize the same truth. I didn’t know it at the time, but I’m in the beginning stages of a love revolution that will will impact the entire world. This journey was never about me as a separate unit. It is about becoming the world to help the world take a journey out of suffering into peace.
When you really really get this, your whole path will transform. Your wandering thoughts of not being with your twin flame, will only be thoughts of “Thank you”.
It Ain’t About Them, It’s About You Boo.
When you realize, deeply realize that meeting your Twin Flame was always about you. You as you, and you as your twin flame. The two of you were never separate. He/she is right there as you, within you. You never had to go anywhere. When you stop looking at the clock, looking at progress, reading tarot cards, and nagging to be with your twin, the path will then take on a new level of ascension. You will ascend towards God. That in truth is where your twin is. As you develop this relationship with God, eventually you become God. When you become God, your concern is only spreading these God energies to others who will accept what was always theirs, through love, compassion and joy. As you hold this frequency for long enough, the universe starts to rearrange itself to put all of the puzzle pieces in place for you and your twin to physically unite. As the puzzle pieces come together, and you stay in the frequency, whats next is the perfect moment. The moment where you will never expect your twin to show up. It will catch you by such surprise just as it is supposed to. If you are trying to anticipate how it will play out, you are not on track. You must completely let go of your twin, and not with a timeline in place. You can’t give the universe an ultimatum. You must completely let go of him physically, because you realize you are him. You will try, and stumble. And just get right back up, and redirect yourself into peace. It comes down to helping others from the highest vibration. As soon as you dedicate yourself to helping strangers and wanting nothing. Like the Course states “giving and receiving are one”, you will know exactly what I mean. Your life will light up, and become almost unbearable to look at, because the joy inside of you is so bright. Write your twin right now a letter that you do not send. A letter where you thank him for everything he has held space for you to claim and heal within you. Really mean it, and watch the unconditional love surge through your being. That feeling you feel, is the vibration you must stay on consistently. You are almost there. I will talk with any of you, anytime. I love you all so much.
Thank you B for holding space for me, to reclaim my life, my life purpose and my state of inner peace. Because of meeting you, because of falling in love with you, and because you changed nothing in your actions, it forced me to go within and stay within. And what I found was not only is the highest and best version of myself there in truth, I found that you are there too. I realized the dreams that I had for myself are small time, compared to the dreams I have for the world I want to see and every individual that crosses my path. I realize that in forgiving you, I am really forgiving myself for not seeing you as the perfection that you are. You are not your choices. You were never your behavior. You were always perfect, and you were always right here in truth. I never had to go anywhere to find you.
Because of meeting you, because of loving you, my life is dedicated to making this dream within the dream of the world a reality.