Things Start to Move When you Realize this was Never about a Twin Flame Union

Please read Twin Flame The Beginning first if possible. The total time of this journey has been two years, and yet the amount of healing, realizations and transformations I’ve gone through has been what someone would go through in lifetimes rather than in a two year period. This jacked up speed of enlightenment came from my eventual willingness to want the truth and only the truth. The truth in me.

Saying I love you

I was completely confused by why I felt so deeply for someone, in a way I couldn’t even put into words. Because of his emotional unavailability, I would flip between confusion and disappointment but quickly rebound into total love again especially during the first year. It was such a quick recovery, it was like the love was so consuming, staying upset with him was not possible. But the desire to spend time with him, the internal magnetic pull to want to be next to him, it was there, and I was embarrassed by it. I’d never been that way before towards a man. I was quite enthused by the thought of never being with a man for about six years before meeting him.

So as I chanted back in November, and my life purpose came through.

You are here for expressing Truth using the creative vehicle of writing/teaching and healing.

It made complete sense. I had always had an indescribable urge to to tell the truth and you’ll see me go into much detail about that truth in many of my posts.

So then the first step, was about a month later, I was awoken by a voice. A mental voice. I checked my clock 2:30 am. You must tell him how you feel.

Over and over the voice ran. I looked at the date, Nov. 19, 2019 my father’s birthday who had passed away 5 years before. I knew that I had to tell B the truth. That I was completely in love with him, and I couldn’t bare to keep it a secret any longer. After all, we’d been best friends and spending time together for a full year. I had one of those fitbit watches on, and my pulse normally is 50 bpm, well for 9 hours before seeing him that night, it fluctuated between 130-140 bpm. The thought of becoming vulnerable, of telling a man that I loved him, (and I knew there was no chance in hell that he’d admit it back), well I was petrified. I’m a tough cookie remember?

He agreed to stop by that night, and I did it, I said it.

It was so clear that he was in love with me as well, but the most he could mutter was, “Yeah I have feelings for you, (and jokingly) but if you fuck with me I’ll throw you on the highway.” Let’s just say that a warm delivery linguistically isn’t the guys strong suit. But the way I felt when he left, it was like a recalibration of energy that was expended or tied up, had now come back to me now that I had told the truth. I had felt that same sensation a month later when I walked away from my job.

He’s Your Twin Flame

So this mental voice continued and I said yes to whatever I heard, by this new, downloaded information from the universe thing. The more I said yes, the more information would unlock. Precognitive information about what was to come. Information about another person as soon as they’d open their mouth to speak to me. And sometimes the loop to reveal the information was so strong, it was as if I didn’t have a choice. I had to tell them whatever God wanted me to say, or else the loop would continue for days.

Fast Forward, It was just a month later when I heard the words from God (me, not realizing me and God were one in the same), “Twin Flame”. I couldn’t remember the meaning, but I thought of that old Greek story of how we were born with 4 arms and legs and then were split into two, forever searching for the other half of our soul? It went something like that I knew. That night a random twin flame video feed came on youtube. As I watched and listened, my jaw dropped, and I started to shake in disbelief. Everything that the video described, was exactly what I was experiencing with B. So of course the ego wanted to just make sure, so I watched another and another and another video, till I really felt I had a handle on all of it.

My Ping Pong Phase

At that time, I was still very attached to outcome, I was eagerly imagining the process of B waking up to the truth of our connection, and breaking free from the karmic relationship that he was in with another woman. So as I worked on my own triggers, I would wait to hear from him, hoping that perhaps things were starting to move on his end spiritually. He liked to be in control, and I didn’t mind, so I let him reach out whenever. He had major intimacy issues, so we hardly ever had sex, and what surprised me, was he was the one person that I wanted to be intimate with.

Everything that I desired in a connection: openness, intimacy, affection, honesty, he had a very weak relationship with. It broke me at that time. We would spend time together and sometimes, in our conversations, he would ‘get there.’ His vibration would raise, he would let some of the bullshit go, the false masks, and he would just be himself. But it seemed like as soon as he would get to that level, the next time we’d spend time together, he’d veer his body to the far end of the couch, hardly crack a smile or make any eye contact. He would retort back a snarky remark or he would make a lower vibrational statement masquerading as a question and I would instantly feel the trigger within me. He would drink every time we would spend time together, I mean every time. He wouldn’t necessarily get drunk, but I could see that it was a crutch for him, and a direct block to being able to truly connect with him. For the first year, I joined in on the drinking, but as I started to wake up, literally the taste for alcohol, especially regularly, just about vanished.

So we would bounce back and forth between, really deeply connecting, laughing, and sharing just about everything with eachother. He would gush over different work projects he was working on, and I’d enthusiastically listen. Then we’d bounce back into not communicating on the same level, so there would be a communication break down. When the latter would happen I disappear from sight to heal my triggers and take some distance and time to heal again. I would become quite sad for a day or two, and then I’d like a magnet, get pulled back into feeling that indescribably love for him. At that time, I was attached to wanting to be physically close. I was willing to see him as little or as often as possible, based on his wishes. The upcoming trigger to be healed within me, was setting boundaries.

From Jan 2019 to May 2019, my psychic abilities were increasing as well as the amount of peace I felt. I started to feel only peace in other areas of my life, but when it came to B, I would still bounce back and forth. Around my birthday, when he didn’t show up to come out for my birthday because he was busy spending time with his karmic we will call her Tess, or someone else who knows, I knew it was time to pretty much separate till further notice. We had one more time of spending time together, I felt it in my gut that I shouldn’t have gone, and for the first time, I left his house in tears.

I drove away and I heard from God,

That just unfolded exactly as planned

For me, there was an immediate shift into “operation self healing” that night.

Operation Self Healing

After a few days, the journey became about me, and for the first time it was just about me. From May till now, I mainly removed my concern as to whether he was starting to wake up or not. As soon as I would start to wonder if ‘progress’ was being made over there, I would feel the awareness of peace’s presence disappear for I was getting on my tippy toes trying to check out for the presence of my preferred outcome.

At this time I was doing both books: “A Course in Miracles”, and “How to Become a Christ.” I was involved with several study groups over the summer. And as I learned more deeply the material and made it my job to be committed to, removing the blocks to loves presence as the course puts it, everything became about maintaining this state of inner peace I felt. I started to notice, that in stillness and in helping others, I felt a constant overflow of love that was let me tell you, unshakable. Through out the summer, it became the only thing I wanted to do. As I only focused on my healing and helping others, my journey took the fuck off, from 50 mph to 10,000 mph. I took my healing my misperceptions to new levels. It wasn’t just about B, it was about all of my misperceptions of men in my entire life.

Anyways, my suffering ceased, my body stopped responding to anger or fear, I would wake up in tears overwhelmed with joy. I would look at someone and immediately feel and see their pain in my body, and all of my prejudices towards them would be instantly dropped. I could physically feel just like with B, how separated each person felt from God. While I was on this Heal your Trigger Train ride, this is what hit me to heal.




Being Unseen/Unheard

Being Unappreciated/Not supported

As I healed these triggers, I became lighter, literally. I remained in a continual state of compassion towards B. I deeply realized that he was holding space for me to heal, really heal all of my hangups that have been with me perhaps for thousands of years, he just wasn’t playing that role consciously. I had asked for him to play this role for me in this lifetime. I had just forgotten.

Sometimes the ego would try its best to trick me and pretend that a trigger was healed, and I would go out and be with B again. But as he would stare at the Tv and zonk out while me being mid sentence of me telling him about my cousin who passed away or some other deep subject, it wasn’t long till the trigger would pop right back up and I would go back to feeling the wounds again.

Distance With Updates

When I would have huge breakthroughs with healing, I would feel the energy physiologically come back to my energetic vortex. When this would happen, I would get instructions to see B, only for purposes of updating him on what was happening to me spiritually. The guidance was never to tell him everything, but he was supposed to know about the Twin Flame bit among other things. He at least was spiritually open, but he didn’t understand everything. As soon as I’d share the information, I would typically leave his place.

So anyway, me updating him every few months, was like a energetic dump of information that would help the ascension on his end. But after I shared, I had to back off again so that the integration process could take place. For the first time, I watched the B’s ascension process from a birds eyes view. Now when the ego would do its best to kick back in, I would feel this:

Annoyed that I was “doing all the work”

Uncared for, alone and by myself on this journey but it “wasn’t fair.”

Feeling hopeless that me and B would never be able to connect again because he would never accept the changes within me because I related to people very differently now.

Impatient that he hadn’t gone through his transformation yet.

Annoyed, so annoyed that all he seemed to care about was surface based stuff. Making money, his job, and hanging out with friends and drinking.

Now the ego at this point didn’t have much airtime, I would observe the shift in my thoughts and emotions and I would know that I was off course. Sometimes I’d go down for a day, but I’d bounce right back.

Making the Cross Into Enlightenment….Finally

Now I’m on the God frequency just about all the time, and that is where B is truly in formlessness. So I feel him in truth everyday. He isn’t in my suffering, the blame and the pain. I’m disconnected when I feel those things. B is perfect, he always was. It was just the stories of my past that skewed my perception of his perfection.

The continuous peace came and only came, when I stopped focusing on my journey as one, separate unit. As I moved out of being Jazz and I became the world, I realized that this world needs people to live from their true nature. I became God in a body. My life became about aiding others to realize the same truth. I didn’t know it at the time, but I’m in the beginning stages of a love revolution that will will impact the entire world. This journey was never about me as a separate unit. It is about becoming the world to help the world take a journey out of suffering into peace.

When you really really get this, your whole path will transform. Your wandering thoughts of not being with your twin flame, will only be thoughts of “Thank you”.

It Ain’t About Them, It’s About You Boo.

When you realize, deeply realize that meeting your Twin Flame was always about you. You as you, and you as your twin flame. The two of you were never separate. He/she is right there as you, within you. You never had to go anywhere. When you stop looking at the clock, looking at progress, reading tarot cards, and nagging to be with your twin, the path will then take on a new level of ascension. You will ascend towards God. That in truth is where your twin is. As you develop this relationship with God, eventually you become God. When you become God, your concern is only spreading these God energies to others who will accept what was always theirs, through love, compassion and joy. As you hold this frequency for long enough, the universe starts to rearrange itself to put all of the puzzle pieces in place for you and your twin to physically unite. As the puzzle pieces come together, and you stay in the frequency, whats next is the perfect moment. The moment where you will never expect your twin to show up. It will catch you by such surprise just as it is supposed to. If you are trying to anticipate how it will play out, you are not on track. You must completely let go of your twin, and not with a timeline in place. You can’t give the universe an ultimatum. You must completely let go of him physically, because you realize you are him. You will try, and stumble. And just get right back up, and redirect yourself into peace. It comes down to helping others from the highest vibration. As soon as you dedicate yourself to helping strangers and wanting nothing. Like the Course states “giving and receiving are one”, you will know exactly what I mean. Your life will light up, and become almost unbearable to look at, because the joy inside of you is so bright. Write your twin right now a letter that you do not send. A letter where you thank him for everything he has held space for you to claim and heal within you. Really mean it, and watch the unconditional love surge through your being. That feeling you feel, is the vibration you must stay on consistently. You are almost there. I will talk with any of you, anytime. I love you all so much.

My Letter

Thank you B for holding space for me, to reclaim my life, my life purpose and my state of inner peace. Because of meeting you, because of falling in love with you, and because you changed nothing in your actions, it forced me to go within and stay within. And what I found was not only is the highest and best version of myself there in truth, I found that you are there too. I realized the dreams that I had for myself are small time, compared to the dreams I have for the world I want to see and every individual that crosses my path. I realize that in forgiving you, I am really forgiving myself for not seeing you as the perfection that you are. You are not your choices. You were never your behavior. You were always perfect, and you were always right here in truth. I never had to go anywhere to find you.

Because of meeting you, because of loving you, my life is dedicated to making this dream within the dream of the world a reality.

Be Real Bitch

You could say that this is a part 2 to “Get Real Bitch”. Yes this is how I talk. I mean Bitch in the most loving, gender neutral way possible by the way. I want to make this post all about what happened when I discovered that being me as me was the only thing I had of value to offer the world. This is a bit different than speaking the truth. This has to do with being my true self. A lot of enlightened guru’s love to talk about the concept of “there is no self”, and although on one hand that’s true, it is all God and all awareness, illusion or not, there is a platform in which this God is expressed from. I realized a few months ago that this platform is that of the personality. One of the enlightenment stereotypes is that the obliteration of the ego, of the personality and of all aspects of the illusion are let go of. I will say that it is more of an integration of the personality, of time and space, and of the ego that happens. Rather than solely living from these places, they get sewed back into the foundation, the wholeness, the God being expressed through the illusionary self. Otherwise, without the ego, a person doesn’t stay in their body for long.

So my personality you could say is one where I’ll crack a silly joke about just about anything, often when I’m the only one in the room. I dance around naked, and I also dance around with really large earphones while I’m buying mac’ n cheese at the grocery store. My earphones are usually on my head when I’m outside, I probably listen to 100 songs a day on Spotify and I have 4000 songs on various playlists of mine, or close. I love to sing and be musical.

I enjoy a ton of variety and I also love to learn about just about anything. My idea of a “good time”, is going to a weekend seminar to learn about Quantum Physics, or the 7 major world religions, or crop circles, yes crop circles. I guess you could said that I am a silly nerdy type. I’m also introverted, so I don’t prefer social interaction in group settings (unless music is involved) but although I’m introverted, I’m not shy. I guess one more common theme of my personality is that I’m very intense and people are often frightened by this intensity. Anything that I find in my vision, as long as there is passion, I give 110%. Although I know this tends to frighten people, I’ve never tried to be any other way because I deeply enjoy the intensity. I love hard runs, getting up at 3 am, rough language, extreme sports, not that I’ve tried them all but I would, and deep tissue massages. I’m the person that says “HARDER” to the massage therapist 15 times during a full body massage. I didn’t come here to be tickled, I wanna feel something baby gimme, your best or go home.

Half of the week, I end up dressing in baggy boy clothes cause I all about that comfy life and the other half of the week, I’ll straighten my hair, put some make up on and look very feminine cause I like to get my beauty on. I just go with the mood for the day, I really have no preference.

SO the platform in which I express love from is that of an intense, nerdy, silly, musical, approachable, introverted human being. There you go, that sums my personality up. What can I say, I like a lot of variety and the only time I’m still is when I’m reading or meditating.

Anyways, once I figured all of that out, I made it an intentional point to just be me. Never rude, but also no longer apologetic as to how being me comes across to others, and I can take one guess and say weird or CONFUSING. Do I get strange stares all the time from my baggy clothes, singing out loud and bulky headphones? From some sure. Others smile back at me as if they’d always wanted to do that in public.

So during this enlightenment journey what does using the platform of your personality to express love from do? From using your platform and noone eles, this allows you to connect with the people you were meant to connect with.

I go to a bunch of Course in Miracles discussion groups, and in the past also Buddhist meetings, and when I speak about something, I can always tell who is completely dialed in to what I’m saying. They look at me, I look them, and it is something in the eyes, there is just this shared space of knowing, of connection. Some are connected, some are confused by what I say, and others just don’t care for what I have to say. There is a reason behind this. We all come from different platforms, along with our own personal vibratory system that changes by the moment. This is going to impact who you resonate with. So you might as well use what you have, so that the people you were meant to connect with find you, and you find them.

It’s so liberating to no longer care, to no longer walk around with 15 false masks that you have to wear based on who you are hanging out with or even working with. For instance with your buddy Tom you have to wear about 13 masks, because you know those 13 aspects of your personality, he makes it clear he’s uncomfortable to be around. And him being uncomfortable makes you uncomfortable, thats what this really is about anyway, your discomfort to be yourself. Or your friend Sheila, you keep much less masks on, about 4 of them, but those deepest parts of you, you just KNOW she cant handle. Or could she?

What if it turned into never being about whether the other personal accepts all aspects of you or not. What if you were able to drop all of those expectations, and just show yourself as you are. Understand that the other person is simply projecting their “stuff” onto you, and if that makes you uncomfortable, it means they are mirroring things within your internal network that you need to heal. Now this is an advanced concept that we will cover later in other posts.

Back to being yourself, now, I’m not advising to show up naked to pick your kids up from school. You can do what you want, but we do have certain social standards that we’ve decided to agree on collectively. And of course I’m not suggesting being deliberately harmful towards another, intending ill will on them and then falling back on, “Well I was just being myself.” You know what I’m getting at folks, lets be real here.

So whether you are 55 or 18, drop the politeness, the people pleasing temptations, the delusional desire to come off as perfect (whatever the fuck that means, honestly, but I used to call myself a perfectionist), and be real bitch. I love you for even attempting this, and you will fall in love with this journey on day 1, if you try this out soon into your spiritual journey.

Being real means you are offering the only thing you really ever could’ve offered to another to begin with. A platform not only for you, but for them, to embrace themselves just as they are and if they choose, to show the world who they are fearlessly. Just as I am doing for you now. Because I love you and in truth, there is only one of us here.



Get Real Bitch

The gift of Truth overcomes all gifts.

The joy of Truth overcomes all pleasures.

The taste of Truth overcomes all sweetness….

The Buddha

A side note, yes Bitch. A word, that we assign such harsh connotations to. I use words like this purposefully, because in truth, this is how I speak in my everyday life. So my blog posts about truth must reflect the platform in which I express God from, which is one that curses….a lot

Ahhhh yes, as my awakening journey catapulted into a full-time process that I was focused on, I noticed almost immediately, the importance of letting go of the bullshit. Let me be a bit more specific. Throughout my childhood and teens, you can say, that I truly had a much closer relationship to living from an honest place, than most people I’d met. I’d told many of my family and friends some of my deepest secrets whether they wanted to know or not in my life. And I admit it, sometimes my honesty delivery was a bit abrasive back then.

One thing I will mentioned that I had a habit of, was cutting corners, in a dishonest way when it came to governmental, or corporation type of stuff. Honestly I got a kick out of it. Somehow I had normalized that fudging on your resume and saying you worked somewhere 5 years instead of 1 was fine. Or taking it to another level, I totally thought it was completely acceptable to make up pay stubs that say I made X amount__ to qualify for that government program or scholarship or whatever, since the money I made was under the table, so who cared, and hey, I payed taxes? This level of dishonesty, I completely normalized, and yet cutting corners, and being dishonest in order to qualify for something, was in no shape way or form for my highest good. I just wasn’t dialed in to realize it.

Now moving to the last few years, as I mentioned in the last post, I asked to know my life purpose. It took a few months, but the answer came back and it was: Truth expressed through the creative vehicle of writing/speaking/teaching. When that came back as the answer I’m pretty sure I let out an audible “ohhhhhhhhhhhh”. I started to make it my mission, to tell the truth and act out of truth. I dropped a mortgage job that I wasn’t wowed with, I was very outspoken with my Buddhist practice in regards to things that I believed needed some restructuring within the organization that I belonged to at the time, anyone who would listen, I was ready and willing to tell them the truth about anything. I did deeply understand that the truth was received by some, and rejected by others. Based on peoples perception. I also realized that coming from this integral space truly wasn’t about pulling someone in into believing me, just the mere words being spoken were enough for me to feel the relief within.

As I continued to make this my priority, I noticed a few things. I could physically feel the energy release from some secret I’d been keeping, finally be spoken about out loud. It was like a tangible surge of energy coming back to me. As my mind relaxed into shedding the layers of bullshit with a friend, family member or even a stranger, my body would start to relax into my minds new level of awareness.

With some of my reveals, I could also sometimes see a level of relaxation come over the other person. Sometimes, right then and there, it would enable someone to feel like they could as well, share something that they’d been hiding. As I opened the door to transparency, and put myself in a position to be vulnerable with another, a bond of trust was instantly strengthened. As a side note, don’t worry, I will be sharing the specifics of some of these “truths” in later posts:-). Making it a journey that unfolds is always more fun.

In the event that they were “put off” by whatever I shared usually non-verbally, I quickly realized, that it was only because they were deeply holding onto their personal judgements about themselves, and couldn’t bare to break free from that model of judging themselves. Most of the time for people, holding yourself in some sort of contempt is more familiar than releasing it. A lot of the times, those people would allow the information that I shared with them to “settle in”, and come back around to feeling slightly more open, more receptive the next time we’d spend time together.

I amped up my honesty skills, and decided to make it all about creating a space of liberation for anyone I met throughout my day. I started sharing honestly in group settings, like full monte transparency kinda honesty. I could instantly see the looks of surprise, and pure comfort in another’s eyes from sharing from my heart, my truth. Sometimes they’d identify with my truth as their own, and it would allow them a foundational platform, to also speak up, and also, use their mouth or eyes to agree with me, or not.

If you were to read these blog posts and decide that you only wanted to get one nugget of value on the spiritual awakening journey, pick telling the truth and acting out of integrity. Telling the truth about how you feel, what you think of yourself, and a situation. It isn’t done in a way to be judgmental, or hurt another’s feelings. It is done out of a desire to be completely transparent. It isn’t even done in hopes that the other person agrees with you. To give the gift of truth to another, is in the same breath, giving the gift to yourself. As A Course in Miracles puts it: “Giving and receiving are one.” Whether the other accepts your gift of truth is up to them, and coming from experience, they usually do.

My Twin Flame. The Beginning.

I will do this portion of my story in parts, mainly because the Twin Flame journey is still ongoing, it always will be to some extent. But my Spiritual Awakening Journey went from 50 mph to a 10,000 MPH journey once I met B. I will call him B. Later on I reveal who is consciousness is from a past incarnation. I will then call him by that name after that blog entry.

I landed in 2016 into two new places in my life. I went to a massage one day, and this man let’s call him Andy, was my masseuse, he happened to be Buddhist and he was telling me all about his Buddhist practice, and chanting Nam-yoho-renge-kyo. As I lay there, half awake, I admited to myself that I liked the massage, but at best I was half listening. He gave me a card and told me to go to a Buddhist meeting sometime. I kept the “Nam-Yo-Ho-Renge-Kyo” card in the back of my mind, but that was the best I could do.

It began began around June 2017. For years, I had zero interest in romantically settling down with a partner, or anything remotely close. I had a lot of big whopper Karma involving men still lurking around, and all of those ghost stories were still hanging out with me in 2017. But I started to have these warm feelings, these feelings of wanting to be in love. There was no one in my life that I had my eye on, and I was surrounded by men. I couldn’t explain the sensation. I started buying red candles and was doing some visualization about what would being in love with another feel like. I remember thinking.

Okay, Jazz buy your candles you nerd, but this is a bit much don’t you think?

I even went to a psychic to see if she would pick up on anything.

As I sit there one gloomy day in July drinking rum and coke during the day, alone wondering where my life was headed, I started to think about the card this Buddhist man had given me. It was a year and half later from that first massage, and I had a sudden urge to go to a Buddhist meeting. It took two weeks for me to gather the courage, and I entered nervously into someones house that I’d never met for a “district” meeting, a place where everyone takes their shoes off and sits down in a circle and chants and smiles in someone’s house.

Everyone was very nice, and I felt instantly welcome. A few minutes after the meeting started, there was a man that walked in by himself. He was my height, strong and masculine build but thick, not crazy chiseled. He was handsome, but in a rough around the edges kind of way. He looked nothing like any man I’d ever had my eye on in the past. But yet like a magnet, I felt drawn to want to know him and I was definitely attracted, but there was something else deeper than that that was drawing me in.

He spoke up maybe a time or two at the first few meetings I saw him at, but we never spoke directly to each other. Personality wise, he came off a bit smug, arrogant to me although overall, he carved out a very polite presentation in a group setting. I felt this energy of him pretty much having a “back off” label assigned to his head, and of course, our behaviors were mirroring each other, he could’ve thought I gave off that “back off” energy as well and I’ve been told by many men that I do. I kept hearing the word “girlfriend” in my head, so I took that as a sign to leave him be and not strike up a conversation to get to know him. So here I was slightly rubbed the wrong way on the surface, he was so opposite from anyone I’d looked twice at, and yet, I felt drawn to want to know him, I actually felt like I did already know him. the meetings rolled by, and he continued to feel familiar to me, but like I said, I decided it was best to leave him alone.

I still remember like it was yesterday, the day he approached me at a meeting. The day he came up to me and complimented me on what I was wearing. It could’ve been a dress, actually it was a dress because he mentioned that he had an online store that sold similar clothing. I remember feeling instantly softened. Like I had regressed back to not being so hard, not being so tough, but of course I kept it together, smiled, and tried not to blush as I told him where I got the dress from.

That was the very beginning and it all began at a Buddhist meeting, that it took me a whole year and a half to decide to go to. This is the less detailed story, but it wasn’t long before we were best friends, and I found myself deeply in love with him. Underneath his hard edge, there was a heart that was so pure, even innocent, I began to notice that he just had allowed so much other “stuff” to cover it up. There was a look of him feeling and being totally relaxed, with me, like he could drop so much of the over bearing tough guy stuff and just be himself.

As the months went on, spending time together felt like freedom for both of us. We’d share things with each other with no fear of being judged. We both deeply believed in each other’s abilities, and we’d bounce off of each other, sharing innovative ideas that involved our careers and relationships. There was no co-dependency, and also no competitiveness, we were a team. We just genuinely saw the best in each other. Eventually, we had sex, and it was….well my body just got goosebumps from writing this just now, so you get the picture. It wasn’t like sex that I’d had in the past, and I had had plenty.

For me falling in love though, wasn’t in the plan in my life, although I had recently developed warm feelings of wanting to be in love before meeting him like I mentioned, I didn’t really expect to get what I’d ask for so soon. And although he would show some openness, more often than not, he was completely guarded, totally dialed in to just focus on work, and he was in a part time relationship with another woman that he did his best to hide in the beginning of us spending time together.

There were so many obvious road blocks, and yet I couldn’t get past, feeling like I was deeply bonded to another part of me, through him. I felt like I was looking at myself, and yet how could I be when on the surface he appeared to be so different from me? Needless to say, I was very confused. I would go from warm overwhelming feelings of love for him, to being deeply triggered by his lack of affection, or deceitful behaviors, or defensiveness when I would discuss something he didn’t quite understand, he would lash back and shut me down. I would always bounce back into loving him so quickly, a lot of the times, spending time with him much of the time, was like watching someone be at war with themselves.

I always took my Buddhist practice very seriously, and I started chanting even more hardcore in Oct 2018. I had no idea why I fell so hard for this man a year before, this man that I felt more comfortable around then any other human being. And yet he had so many opposing characteristics of someone that would be ideal to fall in love with. I wanted fucking answers and I wanted them ASAP.

I sat wide awake on the edge of my bed at 2:30 in the morning with my second cup of coffee, fluffy purple socks and I fiercly rubbed my palms together staring at the Gohonzon infront of me.

I began to chant.


I chanted for 3 hours and I chanted for two things. These two things were what marked the beginning of my rebellious journey towards enlightenment.

Please show me the truth of my own life and life in general, the truth that I know goes well beyond my five senses.

Please tell me my life purpose, why am I here, what is my mission?

And it took a few months, but I got answers. I will leave this post as is, because this is a story that I would like to do in sections. The Twin Flame journey has had many many moving parts, and played a significant role in my healing process. The Twin Flame Journey was what took my process from awakening, to a journey back towards enlightenment. And for quite a while I had no idea what I was getting myself into. That is how this all began.

Update: To anyone who may read these out of order. In the beginning of this journey, I met Judas (Ben) in 2017. I was not told that Jesus/Yeshua was incarnated as well. Judas for me at the time that I wrote this, acted as a catalyst to the awakening of the Feminine Christ within me. Judas, Mary and Jesus are all of the same consciousness expressed three ways. It turns out that much of the prophetic visions that I saw, involving Judas were indeed actually visions involving Yeshua but I hadn’t met Yeshua just yet. Because of the love of God that I found first through Judas, and everything I went through, I walked right into the arms of my Yeshua in January 2020.

The State of Peace that Never Leaves

I feel like a started this blog off with quite a few tougher topics involving the enlightenment journey. Honestly, I did that for a reason. As I went through, and continue to go through some of the previous experiences I’ve mentioned, there is little to no material online about the tougher parts of the enlightenment process. Now there is information about the process of spiritual awakening, but they are two very different journeys and are not the same.

On to the positive, the most earth shattering realization to enlightenment: INNER PEACE. Now, as I continued on the journey of ‘healing my shit’, over a course of a few months (not a few years), I became increasingly “lighter”. I used to be a rigid planner, obsessed with being on time, and keeping commitments if it was the last thing I did on earth. One could say that is a fine way to be, but there were two problems. I felt stressed being so strict with myself, and I held other people to the same standard that I held myself to. So the moment someone didn’t help me with X, Y, Z like they said they would, or didn’t show up to such and such event and dropped a commitment, I was ready to keep a tally and use their perceived neglect as a weapon, or drop the relationship entirely. I’d like to do a separate blog post all about “shifting your perception from fear to love by removing the blocks to loves presence” as it is called in A Course in Miracles. This is all about removing the fearful programming that the ego attaches to certain people, places and things. Before we enter into an experience, we enter in with an invisible backpack of past fear and judgements. But for now, I will just talk about the result after healing the programming, the whole “inner peace” thing.

I should mention the above is just one aspect of many things I healed over the course of several months. As my Karmic load lightened, I became freer in situations that used to trigger me. Small things like my kids screaming at the top of their lungs while I drive, or while they get a bath, or honestly while doing most activities, to larger things like my purse being stolen out of my car and having to cancel my credit cards. Even the story of an event being “big or small” kind of evaporated. As my God Self was more in the front seat of my life, the value judgements on a particular life experience being “good or bad” vanished. And I mean in a general sense, big ticket topics like, cancer, divorce, and even suicide. I found myself not numb, but viewing the world engulfed in “Naked Awareness”, I’d like to call it. Now the process of healing is not instant. As I accepted the journey of ‘healing my shit’, the process unfolded over a course of the last year. Somewhere in there, I noticed that as I entered into situations that I used to have judgements, and grievances about, as my mind healed, my body physiologically stopped responding and dissociated the event as a reason to be “triggered”. You know someone cuts you off in traffic, you grit your teeth, your face gets red and your heart races, till finally you let out a bold “FUCK YOU, MOTHER FUCKER.” Or maybe it is just me, but you and another person closely enter a busy line, and you hurriedly inch forward, pretending not see them as you aimlessly propel yourself infront of them at the checkout line pretending you were first all along? Yep, that part of me was no longer in the front seat. I found myself having mental thoughts about the other person who was in a hurry like, “gosh who knows where he’s off to, he might have a bathroom emergency he needs to take care of.” The point was, in these situations and all, it no longer became my job to know the “why” behind anything. “I do not know what anything is for.” As A Course in Miracles states in workbook lesson. As more serious things occurred, like watching a few friends and family members transition to the other side, I went through a normal process of feeling sad, but it was very short lived. I was no longer searching for a “why” or a “fairness” explanation. I was no longer putting my personal projections on what I thought “should” have happened. That this person SHOULD be alive and how unfair it is to them, to me, to my family and theirs. I also didn’t feel the deep deep identification loss because I still felt the person, even more so than I had when they were in their bodies. Let me explain. Years ago when my dad died I felt this deep drop of identity. He was my dad, I was his only child. When he died, a few first thoughts I had were: Who would be my children’s grandfather now and watch them throw a football around? Who would sing classic rock and Jazz tunes with me? Who would walk me down the aisle one day on my wedding day? Who would be there to cheer me up on the end of the telephone line with a corny joke when I felt a little down? I didn’t realize it then, but most of my sadness, had to do with the ego’s loss of identity. It wasn’t about his choice to transition, or what was better for him, it was about my projection of what I thought was right for him based on what I had “lost,” and the negative connotation that I had to “death”. Now getting to this realization, let me tell you, it did not happen overnight. The ego’s favorite fear to cling to is the death thought system. That death is real, death is sad and not a good thing, and death means separation. A person cannot hear the truth if there is that heavy death identification in the way, and of course for most people who lose someone in form, the heavy identification of loss is naturally in the way. My point in all this, is that even in the largest humanistic state of loss, it was still accompanied with this undercurrent of peace that never left me. In the most seemingly tragic situations, I had proof that it was here to stay, and the way I had come to know myself for 33 years was indeed now very very different.

I am sharing all of this, to share my story with you. If you don’t feel inner peace all the time yet, or don’t even desire to, that is okay! This is about deeply describing the in’s and out’s of the Enlightenment process as it occurred for me, so that if you desire to go on this journey or are on it now, you have a platform in which to look upon and refer back to. It is just someone shining a light to transparently show you what happened to them.

I will end this with, there is always only peace. This peace is within is the space that I now live in all the time. I no longer project my past programming or story onto any situation I encounter. I look at it as something to give me the opportunity to learn about another aspect of myself. For instance, I get to know “Who am I being in relationship, to this experience, and this experience is neither good nor bad.” Naked awareness, the platform in which inner peace is expressed is a game changer. This does not mean you stop having preferences all together. Now you can take that approach, but I still discern and have preferences about which experiences I’d like over another, but there is an indifference to outcome.

I should also mention that out there in the world, my personal position of naked awareness is never projected on those around me. I speak about my new found awareness on things very infrequently, unless I am asked, what is it that I am “doing” differently. And the only real difference is I allow things to be as they are within the experience, without the value judgements, the old grievances and stories from the past that were never put to bed. If you allow the unhealed portions of the past to do the perceiving for you, it will LOVE to be a part of your present moment, the past would love to keep its invisible backpack of 30 pound bricks on your back to help to skew your perception and bring judgement into your experience. That is the place in which most live from on earth. And because I know that, I hold so much understanding in my being for what it is to live in life from a place of living in the past. The anger from the past, the fear, the judgments, its such a heavy way to live. I see only the truth, even in those that cannot see or feel their own peace. I allow my being to overflow with this inner state, so that without words, it can be felt from any/all who are willing to accept this truth within themselves. And the choice is always theres to receive or to wait to receive, but my position of seeing only peace remains as a constant.

There is only one of us here, there is only love here and when you experience this for yourself, everything changes.



You must give up Everything in order to gain Everything

It seems like I am starting off with the tougher topics of the enlightenment journey. I’m sure there is some reason for that. I want to clarify this common stereotype of enlightenment. That you must give up all of your physical possessions (including people), in order to become enlightened. The truth is, you aren’t required to do anything. The enlightenment journey, truly has nothing to do with the doing of anything, it only has to do with awareness of the being behind the doing which is always….inner peace. Let me speak on my story specifically.

In some cases, I made a personal decision to physically give up some things. My journey intensified one evening with a Fireplace, a Beachhouse and A Course In Miracles in my lap last Decemeber. Something changed within me that week. As I immersed myself in the course, I realized I needed to free up as much mental space in order to make room for this new way of life. I decided to give up a job that I hated. I felt the fear, but I picked up the phone, and told my boss before I was even fully sure yet, that I wanted to take a break. As soon as I did that, I felt a wave of energy that had been tied up, come back to my being. I felt liberated, more liberated than fearful. So in that case, yes I “gave up” something physical.

What this line really means “You must give up everything, in order to gain everything.” Is that you must give up the attachment to the thing, in order for your God Self to restructure the universe to give you a incomprehensible version of what you originally wanted. For instance, I was and am still very much in love with my Twin Flame and I always will be. But it wasn’t time for union yet, not even close. I had to give up the expectation that we would even come into union one day, I had to give up the expectation that he would awaken to his true path. I still see him, although not often, I still love him, but I have no attachment to being with him. My agenda is dropped (although it took a while), and now the Universe can like a boom-a-rang, bring back the highest and best physical manifestation, of what would be best from an energetic standpoint for both of us. But I ain’t even wondering about the outcome no’ mo’.

Real talk, giving up attachments to things, and not physically removing the “thing” is really hard and tricky. Your ego will convince you that you’ve let go of the attachment. The boyfriend, the job, food, and whatever else. But you’ll notice you’ve been tricked when things that you view with your eyes start to go in an unexpected direction. The boyfriend wants to breakup, or the job demotes you, if you havent given up the attachment, you’ll start to cling and even suffer at the thought of losing it. I can tell you that some monks deliberately give up all of their shit, because it is much easier to let go this way, when stuff is physically finito’, out of your physical world. But the truth is, we really were all meant to live physically and non physically abundant lives. You can be that hardcore if you want to.

As ACIM calls “special relationships”, this refers to any particular investment you have with a particular thing, person, or situation, must be dropped in order for your God Self to work miracles of abundance. All of those “things” are temporary forms, that will shape shift into something else, and then something else. We must stop worshiping the idol and follow the only thing which is true formlessness of God. God is all of it, but in its formlessness, God in truth, is everlasting in nature.

Now if you have a part time commitment to dropping things (I did at first), that is okay, but it means the journey will slow down for you, and that isn’t a bad thing. It is whatever you decide for you in a given moment. I decided that I wanted to be on the fast track, so I physically or non-physically dropped everything. The point of this post, is to unscare you and debunk yet another misnomer. Enlightenment, even when you are deep into the process, does not mean you will live with nothing but a little food, a roof over your head and a few clothes. This is a big, incorrect stereotype that acts as a great argument to our egos position of not wanting change. I will talk in later posts about how everything physically comes back to you once you give up attachments. I will also give many many details in regards to what happened in my “giving up” phase. It was way more intense than what I’ve mentioned. We will visit intensity in certain levels, I’m not trying to kill you here.

I go into more detail about my personal process of giving up, because it was and is, the most intense process of this journey. At least it has been for me.

Wanting to Connect, But No one Understands

One thing that has continued to follow me in this journey, is as things became more intense, more unique, and closer to the truth in this awakening process, my ego wanted to find someone, anyone who understands what the self is going through. The journey towards enlightenment or a journey back to enlightenment one could say, started like any other spiritual awakening process. Years ago, being more sensitive towards others, caring a little more about the environment and eating healthy, and starting to grasp the concept of “we create our own reality.” Now I want to point out, that 10 years ago, the spiritual awakening process was still within the strong limits of the personal “ego” self, it almost becomes more tricky, because now you think you’ve “arrived”, when you go through an awakening. Many get stuck, in the ‘spiritual teacher’ phase of the awakening process, I did too for a while. A person in this phase becomes unteachable, and they do not further progress because of their belief that they’ve arrived at their destination. With the personal self still in the front of the driver’s seat, it is still very much a dualistic journey at that point, and it stays that way for quite a while. It stayed that way for me for a while.

But as my journey intensified, the people that I would have been called ‘more awake’ I started to not connect as smoothly with. So I started searching everywhere and I mean everywhere. Spiritual Meetups, Course in Miracles groups etc. I often would meet people in the spiritual world for much longer than I had been, people in their 50’s and 60’s. They appeared to have quite a bit of contextual knowledge, but when it came to experiences, well they just weren’t having the same intense, ego death, a two by four slammed me in the back of my head, experiences. Now keep in mind, I’m getting at all good experiences here, but INTENSE.

Now understand that at that time, my need to connect came from the personal self, but who could blame me? I had been me, as Jazz for 33 years, and thousands of years before that I had been a separated aspect of God living in a body, the forgotten God living as a human for who knows how many lifetimes. And in a matter of an intense 8 months, all of that humanistic identification was shedding off of me. Now I had experiences such as seeing distinct past lives of mine that were still relevant to the life that I was living now, (I will explain that at some point down the road.) I was able to see aspects of the future in the “now”. Things that I couldn’t possible know was coming, I knew that I was now pivoted in the direction of a particular outcome in my life as well as others. My five senses became more pronounced, my physiological sensations changed as my body would increases its energy capacity. I would shake some nights from the intense surges of energy radiating up and down my spine. I couldn’t help but walk around with a heart so full of love and empty of all fear.

But no matter where I turned, I couldn’t find anyone to lean on, even just a little. So then I became focused on ‘finding a teacher’, someone, anyone who had been on this journey for longer than I had, that could hold space for me with what I was experiencing. Every time I thought I’d met someone, I quickly realized that I was the one mainly teaching them. And not to say that I didn’t learn anything from them, it is just the dynamics of the relationship were not what I was hoping for. All I felt was peace all the time, and yet my friends/family still ping-ponged with good days and bad days of course. Their conversations often still circled around “and can you believe what she said? I mean what would you do if you were in my situation?” All of my answers would circle around compassion, forgiveness and the craziest part was I sincerely MEANT it. This often would cause confusion/disconnection especially to those that knew me before. Another thing I tried out, was telling a few family members that I knew had a deeper sense of Spirit in their journey. But because they were so heavily identified with me being the younger family member or grandchild, etc, their ability to receive information from me in order to create a space of resonance was mainly blocked. Not for all, but some.

In addition to that, I would share something really profound to me, this was all new to me so I was like a kid in the candy store especially in the beginning. and maybe even quite exciting to me that had happened and their reaction would be completely flat and unenthused. There was this sense of “you aren’t telling me anything I haven’t already been through” kind of vibe, yet you could tell by there lackluster expression, that they hadn’t been through it. The moment that I would sense that vibe coming from the person, I’d quickly realize that there would never be any words to pull them in to believe me. I admit I became a bit disheartened each time that that would occur. I found myself for a while, picking up the phone less, and speaking less to people I knew. I felt so alone for a few months. I felt so happy, yet alone and even guilty at times for my pure, newly innocent way of feeling and viewing the world. Some thought maybe I was suppressing how I really felt, and I couldn’t help but feel tempted to reassure them that, no, I just only felt peace now. Of course this is not relatable and reassurance can become a draining process.

What happened next...

Was I realized that this is the new me. and although the layers continue to peel off, and I go through some sort of a rebirth every few weeks, I could no longer silently pretend to still view the world as the other Jazz. I realized that in my explanations, less is more. So now I use less words, and more emissions of silent joy, smiles, and understanding. With family and friends, I pick up the phone less, I see them less, but the nonphysical care is more pure, and the level of peace I feel towards them is heightened and stable. I am always very sensitive now to make sure compassion is sensed from every space through and me even in silence.

I had to realize that being there for others God Realization journey is my life purpose. Aiding people in their own personal trek to ending their own suffering is my life purpose. Keeping close friendships and relationships with family is now an identification that is less important to me. I can stay connected but no longer have the same identity within those relationships that I used to. I let go of my personal guilt and I feel free now. I no longer need anyone to understand what is happening to me, because this is my journey, and they simply cannot understand a journey that I was meant to experience, in this body…. alone. I couldn’t find a leader or a teacher, because I was supposed to come to the realization, that I am leading myself, I am my own teacher. I go into more detail about healing that here

If You are Like Me

If you are feeling lonely in your awakening process, it is safe to say that this is normal. You will connect with people, heal and then ascend to a new level of consciousness and then find a new way to relate to those relationships, or not. The choice will be yours. This is an emerging process within the enlightenment journey until you stop identifying closeness with old identities that you used to be a part of. Luckily, you can remain close without being physically close. This takes time, to detach from the old self and make peace with the God that you are. You are God in a body relating to your God self in others. This becomes primary over being a daughter, a mother, and friend. You may participate in parental duties and always from a space of love, but you realize that you are someone much more beyond any temporary identification that has been placed on you. It is normal to have guilt during this process of undoing. When you reach this level, this is what you have to count on. The few stories like this that can help you to not feel alone. I am here for you, and it does get easier and brighter. Awakening is usually a gentle process, and it is for reasons like this. It takes many many levels of adjustments throughout the ascension process and it doesn’t usually happen in a few months. All is well. You are exactly where you should be in your journey.

Breaking Down The Enlightenment Stereotype

A lot of these subjects intersected and overlapped. There are so many misnomers about enlightenment, thanks to the wonderful ego of todays planet. What I hope to accomplish in this blog and eventual book, is to provide a platform of bringing even more light to the subject. No enlightenment is not something that happens to “special” people, or only men, or only people who give up their family and all possessions.  It is not a hard set rule that enlightenment takes years to achieve. Everything I mentioned above, has to do with action orientation or “doingness”, enlightenment, is always about beingness. Consciousness is expanding at a rapid speed. Everything is speeding up. Just a bit over a 100 years ago, we communicated through writing letters, now you can facetime Grandma on Christmas, watch netflix, and cook mac and cheese all at the same time. You can look at enlightenment as a sacred symbol for the eternal self which is GOD. This God self is what we all possess and it simply is, any word added to the word GOD, lessens the meaning. God simply IS. And yes, we are all one, there is only one of us really here, and we take the journey to enlightenment in our illusionary bodies when our eternally expressed “self” decides to. It gets pretty trippy, and that’s the thing about words attempting to explain life. They are only symbols, and they will attempt to explain something that can only truly be experienced. But what this blog can have  a shot of doing, is break down the pre-conceived paradigms that can in a sense block someone’s understanding of what Enlightenment/God- realization  is all about. You are already God, you just haven’t come to realization of this truth just yet. I said it. Yep. I will say it again. You are God.  The only difference is the realization of your God Self  hasn’t been brought into your awareness just yet.

If you do make it through this blog, and do not throw your laptop across the wall in anger or confusion, as you read, you will realize that in many parts of the book, the words are symbols that represent information that you will remember on a cellular level. You will feel a peculiar surge of not conceptually knowing how it could be right what I’m saying, but you will feel like the truth being spoken here is truer than anything you’ve been told in the past. That is because most of what you have been told about enlightenment and life have not been accurate. And I will take it a step further and tell you that enlightenment and life mean the same thing. You are currently living in a dream, a dream that appears to be very real. Enlightenment is the process of waking from the dream to realize that you are life itself, you are God, and all this time you were simply pretending not be.

I want to leave this post as a general overview. Consider this post an introduction to many more subdivisions of the Enlightenment stereotype that we will cover in the future. This for now, is me painting the canvas, one color to circle back and revisit more of this subject in greater depth later on, creating a much more robust portrait.

And so it Begins…

When you realize you are God, you become the world.

When you realize you are God, you become the World.

This is the first post on my new blog. This is all about the journey I began, and the journey I continue to be on. This is for anyone who has been curious of what enlightenment, God-realization really is. This is for anyone who has ever felt deep down, that there is a power in them that they cannot explain, or put into words, yet, they do not feel powerful. This is for anyone mildly curious even to read about someone who took a journey back to the only thing that truly exists. Inner peace. As I began my awakening and the journey intensified, I did not find a ton of personal first-hand resources about enlightenment.

And because of this, this blog was born.

Update: The origination of this blog is a funny story. August 2019, I was instructed to start a blog and “just write”. The information of the real purpose of this blog didn’t come into my awareness until several blog posts in. This blog is intended to account for the specifics of my personal transformation that I’ve been through over the last year and everything preceding up to this past year. The second purpose is to inform you all and continue to update you all of what’s ahead for all of that are called to stay informed

It is going to be a real funky time.

It is Nice to Remember You

Where to begin? I will give you a brief intro to me. As time goes on, I expect my blogs to really partially introduce me to you. It is funner that way. Who really wants to listen to someone’s bio? Meh. Basically my life was always a non-traditional one. Everything from my upbringing, to my unusual sensitivity coupled with my desire to REBEL everything. I have three children, and it is me raising them. I live in California, but originally, I am from the tough streets of Philly. Well not so tough considering I lived in a Suburb pretty much. Why I tell you all of this is there is nothing about my personality, my childhood, or my life now that screams “Poster Child for Enlightenment” This is important to understand. As you read, I will fill in the blanks to this Rebellious road I took to end up with the view of the world and me that I have today. What I want you to know is that I very well may be just like you, maybe a little nuttier (most likely). We are remembering each other right now. Let’s take a journey, down the Rebel’s Road to Enlightenment.